


Empty Apartment

by crissmera



Category: Glee
Genre: BadBoy!Blaine, College!Kurt, Endgame!Klaine, Klaine, M/M, Roommates, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2018-12-18 11:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 58,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11872962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crissmera/pseuds/crissmera
Summary: Kurt finally makes to New York City, only problem is: He doesn't know anybody and he must find an apartment as soon as possible. By coincidence he meets this guy at a coffee shop, Nick, whose band buddy, Blaine, is looking for a roommate. Kurt is definitely on board, though he doesn't know that aside from messy and somewhat hot, Blaine is trouble indeed. But desperate times calls for desperate measures, so Kurt will have to learn how to deal with it, or better yet, how do deal with him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, @crissccoIfer from twitter here. You all showed interest in this prompt and I felt like writing a long Klaine fic instead of the old one shots I used to do here and there so here I am! This fic is based on the song Empty Apartment by Yellowcard (I know, I'm old!), and I hope you really like it. I enjoyed writing this and I hope to update soon! Please let me know what you think here or on twitter and I will get back at you! xx
> 
> I don't have anyone editing the fic so any mistake, just blame on me.

He pictured this so many different ways, that his first step in the city would be magical, even if it wasn’t his first time actually stepping there, something about knowing that this would now be his home should feel magical. He thought it would feel comforting, like finding that missing puzzle piece that matches that hole in your chest perfectly. He even, at some point, considered it would feel kinda lonely, kinda new and that everything would be just uncomfortable and insanely too much. But, out of every scenario Kurt could possible think of during all those nights up planning and dreaming about his future, he never thought this would be it. 

 

Truth be told, a part of him was kind of disappointed, but as soon as he stepped in New York City, the place he dreamed about arriving since, since always, the only thing he could think of was hot freaking hot it was. Seriously, it was the begging of August and it sure wasn’t supposed to feel as if the sun was trying to burn his _oh_ so pale skin. So besides that, the only thing he was feeling was sweaty. But excited none the last. 

 

Of course there was nothing to complain. If there was one thing Kurt learned after feeling miserable for a long period of his life is that being negative would never help him fix any of his problems. So, being the positive person he was, the first thing he did was put this whole weather issue aside, leave his bags at the hotel room his dad managed to get him for 5 days _(yep, that was how much time he had to find a roommate and an apartment in the budget),_ and go explore crazy hot New York City. Nothing would come if he sat around with the AC on and waited for someone to magically offer him a place to live. 

 

If only Kurt knew anyone in the city, he was sure this would be so much easier. But being all alone there had it perks. For instance he could have a fresh start. He was after all starting his first semester at NYU, so not only it meant that he was one step closer to became a journalist, he was also about to meet a bunch of new people who probably also loved to write and to communicate and were friendship-material, and above everything Kurt was determined to find happiness and so he would. 

 

Many people don’t get it, and Kurt doesn’t expect everyone to, but being a gay kid in a small town filled with small minded people is so much more difficult than it sounds. The name calling, the bullying, the fear, all of that is awful sure, but not being able to be yourself is by far the worst. And now he didn’t have to anymore. Even if back in Lima he didn't hide his sexuality, he always felt like part of him, as long as he stayed there, would somehow want to hide, and now he didn't had to anymore. In New York no one cared if he liked dick or how much his clothes were ‘too much’ and by that he means fabulous, or if he was different, if he walked differently, if he talked differently, and if being different meant being weird, and unnatural and being called names every single day for not matching what society expected him to be, he would take this label and rock it all around the city that no one cared how different he was. He was going to be Kurt, and that would feel awesome. 

 

And suddenly, as he walked through the crowded streets, in that scalding hot weather, he felt something he never pictured before but that now seemed more fitting than ever. Relief. Kurt felt as if for the first time in his life he could just take a really deep, lung filling breath and exale calmly. This was it. In all of those dreams he always knew someday he would be be sitting in a little loft above the New York City sky and he was going to be watching people stumbling over cracks in the road, and frantic tourists getting lost. He knew he would recognize himself in the sadness of some others, but he was sure he was going to be happy. He was going to be okay. And he was going to know that his life is just beginning. And now it really was. And when it finally hit him, relief was all he could feel. 

 

Though, to match this marvelous plan, he needed to find that damn loft as soon as possible. But besides being a super positive person, Kurt Hummel was a man that also believed in the power of caffeine. And as he spotted that Starbucks around the corner he smiled brightly, that might  be a sign, but for now he really needed an iced coffee.

 

* * *

 

Nick was having a very stressful day. 

 

It was hot, the band had a two hours rehearse in one hour, and to top all that Jeff had no time to finish that blowjob in the morning so he was sure he was about to die with a serious case of blue balls. And as if he didn’t had enough problems, Blaine decided to play cute today and simply don’t pick up his phone. So that rehearse would probably turn into a huge mess, since Blaine would show up late, and since he would be late the whole thing would be late, Nick would waste forty minutes screaming at him about compromises and the importance of showing up in time and all those things that Blaine already knew. Which would end up with him rolling his eyes and shrugging, grabbing his guitar and doing vocal warm ups. And so they would rehearse for luckily an hour and they wouldn’t be nearly as prepared to their gig as Nick expected them to be.

 

He was a planner, and every since he and the boys, Blaine, Jeff, Wes and David, became a band he felt like each day they were finding new ways of testing his limit. Of course none of them were lucky like Jeff, because whenever Jeff reached that limit, sex was always fixed everything. But for the other assholes he worked with, even if he loved every one of them dearly and as if they were family, sometimes he just wished they would cooperate and make everything easier.

 

 ** _“Hey, you reached for Blaine, get a life and fuck off.”_** _Beep._

 

 “Blaine I am calling again you little fucker, I know you are only ignoring my calls because you want to make me suffer or maybe because you are screwing some random dude but please, please I beg you do not come late for the rehearse today okay? Please promise me, promise me!” Nick sighed, “And here comes messages forty seven.” 

 

It wasn’t a great day. 

 

Nick thanked the cashier and grabbed his coffee and as he managed to type Blaine’s number and yet again it went straight to voice mail, he barely made his way to door when a something, or better yet someone suddenly pushed him, making his phone to land on the floor along with his coffee. 

 

“What the fuck?” Nick groaned making everyone in the coffee shop stare while he turned his body to find whoever pushed him, “Seriously God has got to be testing me today!” 

 

The stranger’s blue bright, Bambi alike eyes were wide as he froze on his feet, “Oh my god, I am so sorry!” 

 

Nick rolled his eyes, “I bet you are, not only you made me waste all my coffee but I almost shattered my phone screen! Why don’t you watch where you are going dude?” 

 

The man had the same look on his face as if he expected Nick to punch him or to yell some more, “Look please let me buy you another cup of coffee, and I promise you I will never bother again.”

 

Nick raised an eyebrow, “You sure isn’t a New Yorker. You are too kind.” 

 

The stranger shrugged, “It’s my first day, let me make it up for you okay, and again I am so sorry.” 

 

Nick shook his head, feeling guilty about screaming at the guy, “Hey, it’s okay man, just an accident, though I do accept the coffee, thank you…”

 

“Kurt! Kurt Hummel.” The man, Kurt, said offering him his hand.

 

Nick smiled, “Nick, Nick Duval. So Kurt, what brings you to the city that never sleeps?” 

 

“I am about to start my semester at NYU” Kurt said smiling brightly.

 

“Oh my god that is great, congrats! My band always plays at this pub nearby, you should come someday!” Nick said smiling, “Though isn’t it a little late to move in if you are about to start your semester, I mean shouldn’t you be like doing apartment hunts or finding a job?” Nick asked.

 

Kurt nodded frenetically, “Absolutely, I am right now looking for apartments, I just needed a coffee to know where to begin.” He laughed.

 

Nick nodded, “I totally get you, my caffeine always helps me think straight before anything.” 

 

“Hun, you have a band? That is great! I would totally love to see you guys playing some time!” 

 

“We are playing in this pub next Friday, that if my stupid band actually show up to rehearse so we can actually do a decent fucking job!” 

 

Nick noticed he went a little overboard with the information as an awkward silence filled the air, but before he could think of something nice to say, Kurt was quick to change to subject, “So Nick, are you a New Yorker?” He asked as he paid for the coffees and waited until they handed them to him.

 

“I firmly believe that some New Yorkers are born and some are made, I might not have been born and raised here but I sure am a New Yorker.” 

 

Kurt smiled so big and Nick almost laughed, he looked so young and he probably was if this was his first semester of college and everything. Nick was 22 years old, and even if he didn't consider himself old, far from that in fact, he missed being new to the town. Everything looked so big when he first moved in, and now it just seemed to be more crowded than before.

 

“This is so good! I can’t wait until I feel like a New Yorker, because as if for now, all I feel like is a lost tourist who only managed to ruin someone’s coffee order all day.” 

 

Nick laughed, “Hey, it’s all good. It was really nice meeting you even if the circumstances weren’t the best.” 

 

The brunette man smiled, but that instantly faded away when Kurt noticed Nick was about to leave. He didn’t want to sound creepy or do any other thing wrong today but Nick was the closest thing to a friend he had and honestly, he might be helpful. 

 

“Hey Nick, I don’t wanna sound creepy but, would you like to be my friend?” 

 

 _Yep_ , Nick thought, _he definitely isn’t from here_ , “Of course...Kind of an odd question but you are a cool guy, so why not?”

 

“Thanks, you are cool too. But, uhh how do you feel about helping me find an apartment?” He asked hopeful. 

 

Nick stared at him for a good minute. Not only it had been quite some time since he last went looking for an apartment in this huge city but that also sounded very boring. And besides he had to find Blaine and drag his ass to rehearse and somehow find time to meet up with Jeff and solve his ball’s problem and…

 

“Wait!” Nick said, making Kurt’s face look more confused than ever, “I know someone who can help! This guy from my band, he totally has a spare room and it is close to your new college.”

 

Kurt stares at him for a good minute, was Nick suggesting him what he thought he was? Would that be fate working along with him? Because if that was it, he was so loving New York already, “Oh my god are you for real?” 

 

“ _Abso-fucking-lutely!_ We can go there right now, come on I will get us a cab.” 

 

Kurt could hardly believe his luck, this was destiny and he was so glad he ruined Nick’s coffee earlier because really he would be saving so much time now that his new friend, who was in a freaking band, just saved his day. If this was anyone else Kurt would’ve thought this was some crazy guy trying to kidnap him, but Nick sounded genuinely nice and Kurt knew he was actually trying to help him, so he wouldn’t miss this opportunity, even if at some level it sounded dangerous. 

 

Meanwhile Nick wasn’t even sure what was going to happen to him. Well, Blaine did have a spare room and honestly, who in New York wasn’t looking for someone to pay half of the rent in this economy? Sure, Blaine had his father's taking care of this part of his life, but his best friend deserved better than to have his father only caring about his bills. And besides, maybe with a roommate there Blaine would learn a little bit about discipline and would stop screwing around every single guy in town in order to avoid his issues and stop skipping important meetings and band rehearses and maybe he would quit drinking and getting shit faced during week days, and maybe, just maybe, became a better human being. 

 

It sounded kinda unfair to project all of this on Kurt, a new kid who was probably barely legal, who just arrived here. But then again, the kid needed friends and a place to stay and he was a nice guy, Blaine would totally like Kurt.

 

And besides the sooner they got there, the sooner Nick could drag Blaine to this damn rehearse and they would totally be there on time. So there, he not only managed to help Kurt with his problem, but he managed to cross one item of the list of things that were making today a sucky day. 

 

“Let’s go.” He said, opening the cab door to Kurt, who smiled hopeful and got in the car.

 

* * *

 

The building they walked in seemed very friendly. The doorman even knew Nick’s name and all in all it seemed to be a save neighborhood, which was one of Kurt’s main concerns, along with having a great roommate and finding an apartment in the budget. And since Nick only said great things about Blaine during the short cab ride, Kurt was thrilled as everything seemed to flow in his favor. 

 

Once the elevator’s door opened on the 8th floor, Nick leaded the way until a plain white door that which Kurt assumed would be his new home. What weirded him out though, was when instead of knocking, Nick slammed the door three times and screamed for Blaine. Kurt frowned but decided to not put a lot of thought into it, maybe that was the dynamic of their friendship. 

 

Both men were able to listen to a quiet “Fuck”, that came from inside, and Nick recognized this as the ‘waking up with a really bad hungover headache’ mood, in which consisted with Blaine using the word _fuck_ in the begging of every sentence. 

 

The door opened slightly, as if the man was trying to avoid even the quietest noise and when it fully opened, Kurt did his best not to frown, because really, the guy was a mess. His hair looked as if it needed to be combed ASAP and his shirt had so many stains that it could have easily been thru a war, plus he wasn’t waring any pants, just some dumb star wars boxers, that almost made Kurt roll his eyes – even if positive person, like every human being he had his judge bitch moments. His eyes were puffy and heavy and he had scruffy facial hair, which usually wound’t be a turn off for Kurt but, being literal here, the guy needed a shower. Deep down, maybe after a thirty minute bubble bath, with expensive bath bombs, the guy, Blaine, would be somewhat a very attractive man, but for now, the only thing Kurt could think of was how the hell he was supposed to live with this guy.

 

“Fuck, Nick couldn’t you just call? I'm not even late!” The man said, scratching the back of his neck and looking pissed.

 

Nick rolled his eyes, “Well I did, fifty times. And you would know that if you had picked up, which you didn’t, hence me being here right now. So quit acting like a bitch and let us in.” 

 

Blaine looked as if he was about to come back with a witty remark but when he hear Nick saying ‘us’, he than noticed his best friend wasn’t alone. 

 

“Who is this?” 

 

Kurt tried to give the best friendly smiled he could, but he was pretty sure he ended up giving Blaine the same smile he used to give to Rachel Berry whenever she asked about his opinions on her hideous animal sweaters. 

 

Nick pointed at him, “This is Kurt, your new roommate.” 

 

Blaine snorted, “I am not looking for a roommate, dude.” 

 

“Oh, you are. Can we please go inside so we can have a proper talk?” 

 

Blaine stared at Kurt for a good five seconds, making the boy very uncomfortable and then finally led the way inside, in which he laughed as he quietly told them to don’t mind the mess, which Kurt wasn’t sure he meant himself or the apartment, which was _wow_ , so messy he couldn’t believe someone actually lived there. 

 

“Kurt?” Nick asked, trying to get the boy’s attention, “We will be inside discussing about you moving in, are you okay waiting here?” 

 

Kurt gave him an odd look, “Nick I really don’t wanna bother, are you sure it is okay for me to be here?” 

 

Nick nodded, “Absolutely sure, Blaine and I will have a quick chat but we will be right okay?” He asked and Kurt nodded, “B? Blaine!” 

 

Blaine gave Nick a funny smiled as he was caught staring at his, apparently new roomie’s ass. Kurt gave Nick a mortified look and Nick gave him an apologetic one, hoping that even after this whole mess, literally, Kurt would still be down with moving in. 

 

Blaine followed his best friend into his room and closed the door behind him, just waiting for this whole thing to make sense.

 

“Some people give presents to their best friends, it can be a nice shirt, or maybe a video game, sometimes even cars if you are rich. But really is that a new thing to gift complete strangers to someone, because if that’s so I’m not sure if I'm into that, Nicky.” 

 

Nick rolled his eyes, “You never had a problem fucking complete strangers so I thought you would like it.”

 

Blaine smiled, “ _Touché_.”

 

“Seriously,” Nick said, motioning to his friend to sit down on his bed, “I know you will say this is me completely overreacting, but I worry about you a lot.” And with that, Blaine almost laughed, “I am trying to be serious here, B. I know you have this whole I don’t give a fuck attitude going on, but believe me I know you do. Not only because you seem to be using alcohol to solve your problems since what happened in Christmas, and I get it and I am not judging, but whenever you are drunk and not going after random boys that sometimes aren’t even cute, you whine about hating your dad and wanting to become an independent man who doesn’t rely on his dad’s money, which honestly? If you showed up in time for the rehearses we would probably be a lot more famous by now, just saying, anyways,” Nick took a deep breath as his best friend seemed to be dying of boredom, “Long story short, Kurt ran into me, he seemed like a nice guy, we became sorta of friends, he asked me to come help him look for an apartment, and I thought about that spare room you have here, and how awesome you would feel being able to pay your half of the rent with the money we make with the band, that way you would be able to ditch your asshole of a father and also do a good thing for once.”

 

“Do you know you sound insane right now, right? I get this is another episode of Nick trying to save the day, and I appreciate it, but fore real though?” Blaine asked, “It is one thing for me to sleep with strangers, everyone does that. But having one living with me? What if he is a serial killer? What do you know about this guy?”

 

“I know he wouldn’t hurt a fly, he asked me to pay for my coffee after he accidentally made me dropped it! Who does that? Nice fucking people.” Blaine kinda nodded, “And about this whole sleeping with strangers thing you just mentioned, dude sometimes the guys you sleep with actually sleep in this hole you call a home,” he ignored Blaines _‘hey!’_ and smiled, “and they are all most likely to be serial killers than Kurt.” 

 

 Blaine shrugged, “Fine whatever, but I'm still not doing this. The last thing I need is some nearly adult, going thru my things and messing up with my home. Yes my dad is a jackass but let the asshole do something for me.”

 

“Blaine, last Christmas he said he would rather had you aborted than to have you as his son.”

 

Blaine sighed, “Which was bad enough to hear once, thank you very much.”

 

“Sorry,” Nick said completely regretting his previous words, “But you see? You don’t deserve him, or his disgusting money. It is time to cut the strings with him and tell him to fuck off. You don’t need his money, not if Kurt moves in and you pay for only half of the rent. It is logical, and efficient.”

 

“How so?”

 

“The earlier you stop using his money, the earlier he will stop expecting something from you, the earlier you will be able to be and feel free, and the earlier you will be happier and quit drinking. Simple.” 

 

Blaine laughed, “See? I knew it, this is another episode of Nick trying to save the day. You make everything sound fucking simple, and it isn’t. For starters, I think the guy in my couch right now probably won’t want to move in this, as you so nicely put, hole of a home.” 

 

“Kurt?” Nick asked, “Oh no man, trust me, the guy is desperate for a home. And I told him you were pretty nice.”

 

Blaine licked his lips, “Nice.”

 

“Don’t even.” Nick warned, “I am doing this for you to not only stop this drinking nonsense but to also get rid of your abusive father. This is not, by any means, me bringing someone here for you to get laid.” Nick pointed at the used condom on the floor, “After all, you seem to be doing a pretty good job in this business.” 

 

The curly haired man shrugged, “Hey, at least I am being save!”

 

“True, but did you listen to me? Don’t. Even. Consider. This.” 

 

“Fine, fine.” Blaine said. It was true, part of him wanted to crawl into his father’s arms and beg him to love him, which he knew it would never happen since his father hated everything about the person Blaine was. And he was over it, he didn’t care, he knew he didn’t, he knew there wasn’t a way for him to fix this fucked up relationship. He was what he was, and that was a gay man in a band with no college degree, and if for his father this meant an abomination, than so be it. His dad had threatened him a billion times, _‘Get into college or I will throw you in the streets’_ , _‘Find a nice woman to start a family with or you will become a homeless pathetic man’_ , among other things, but Blaine knew he wouldn’t actually cut him off like that. But Nick’s speech made sense, that damn bastard knew how to sound convincing. What happened last Christmas was still affecting him and he didn’t want to be relying on someone who made him feel like that. It was logical, and than again, this guy Kurt was pretty hot.  

 

“Let’s go tell tight ass jeans that he can move in.” 

 

“Blaine.” Nick sounded like his mother. 

 

The man laughed, “Kidding, kidding. Let’s just go.”

 

At the living room, they found a vey bored Kurt sitting on the couch who seemed to be counting the tiles on the kitchen wall across the room. Nick smiled at the sight, Kurt was a really cool guy and he deserved to find nice people in this crazy town, and even Blaine was somewhat inappropriate, often a douche-bag and 11 out of 10 words that left his mouth were simply disgusting, he knew his best friend was a nice guy, and maybe some of Blaine’s bad boy-ish personality would stick to the new guy and make Kurt a bit more thick-skinned to face New York City and whatever hell he was about to face here. 

 

“Kurt, if you still want to,” Nick said, and the Bambi blue eyes were again staring at him as if Nick just brought him back to reality, “Welcome home.” 

 

“Or to hell, as some of us call.” Blaine said, giving him a devilish smile that made the soon-to-be New Yorker feel a shiver going down his spine, and he wasn’t sure if it was something good or not. 

 

But one thing was more than clear: Everything about this Blaine guy screamed trouble, and if he was actually going to live here, in _hell_ as Blaine himself put, he should prepare himself. In some part of his brain, he knew that this idea was insane and that this would never work out, but this was also his new begging and he needed to get out of his comfort zone and do something crazy for once. He wasn’t sure if it was something crazy good or crazy bad, but even uncertain and at some level even scared, he knew he was about to find out. 

 

Kurt opened his biggest smile and said, “I am in.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,  
> First of all thank you for the amazing response you guys gave to this fic! I wasn't expecting this AT ALL and I was so happy when it hit more than 100 notes on tumblr. I am still shook about it, and overall so so so grateful.  
> I am posting again this week so I could explain how my schedule with this one will work. So I am planning on publishing every week, probably every Saturday, but in case I have test coming up or something happens I will find a way to let you know (probably on twitter @crissccoifer or at tumblr: klaineternalove.tumblr.com), but for now I will keep my word and update it regularly every week!  
> Again I don't have a beta to edit this so any mistake, blame me. 
> 
> P.S: Do not worry, Sebastian is not someone to loathe in this story, as for his friend James. Wait and see. [inserts evil laugh] 
> 
> TW: mentions of alcohol abuse

“Nick!” Jeff screamed and run into his boyfriend’s arms.

Blaine rolled his eyes as soon as they walked in Wes’ apartment, there was their rehearse space since the band began. Truth be told, it was kinda disgusting how Nick and Jeff, even after all those years together, including high school, still managed to be all over each other whenever they were in were breathing the same air. Really, if they were in the same room they would most likely be trying to eat each other’s face and dry hump against every possible wall. 

“God, and we still have two hours of _that_ ahead of us,” David said shaking his head.

Wes shrugged, “Can we talk about the actual surprising thing? Blaine is here and he is here on time!” 

“Funny,” Blaine said grabbing his guitar and sitting on his stool, “Nick can you please not? You got me here on time stop trying to stretch your boyfriend and let’s get over with this bullshit.”

Jeff, who was almost rolling his eyes with pleasure as his boyfriend kissed his ear and whispered sweet nothings, actually had the courage to push Nick a little bit away to say, “Blaine you know how I feel when you talk like that about the band!”

“Not cool man, have a little love in your heart and respect for our family.” David said, as he watched Jeff and Nick come closer, both men spotting very awkward erections and by the way Nick was awfully and unusually quiet, David bet he was going to explode with the blue balls. 

Wes was sitting in the couch eating a bowl of chips and rolled his eyes as soon as Jeff grabbed a handful of _his_ chips when he sat next to him on the couch. “Anyways, why you are not late?” 

Blaine sighed, “Nick decided to give me a very unpleasant surprise today.”

Jeff frowned, "If he is cheating on me with you I am so kicking your ass." 

The guys laughed and Blaine said something like _'I would love to see you try'_ which made the blonde man almost jump on his band mate, “No, it was a very smart, very good surprise,” Nick said, "And Jeff, really? Do you think I'd go from you to that?"

"Hey!" Blaine said with his hand on his heart, mocking an offensive look.

“Anyways, I happen to be the king of great ideas and today I had a brilliant one.” Nick said.

“No he didn’t, he had a terrible idea and now I am the one who will have to deal with this bullshit, so thank you Nick, really, thank you for this. I really would have liked it better if you had showed up butt naked with that pale ass of yours on my door steps than this bullshit.” 

Clearly, Blaine was still in disbelief with what happened. In the moment, after that little speech Nick threw at him, he agreed and accepted the deal, but as the minutes passed by since they handed Kurt the extra pair of keys and told him to come back with his things in the morning, Blaine started to put more and more thought into it and he just couldn’t find the light in the end of the tunnel. It hit him like a truck that Nick only did this to find a way, maybe an excuse to make him stop drinking, that whole thing about his father was just bullshit, which made him wonder why they cared so much about his drinking habits anyways?

They probably made some sorta of deal or maybe Nick even hired Kurt to keep an eye on him, to keep him sober, as if he actually was drunk all the time. Or maybe Kurt was a master of hypnosis and he was there to mess with his brain, make him suddenly hate alcohol or whatever they wanted him to feel. Or just maybe he was going mad a few hours without drinking and his brain was a pro of creating those ridiculous scenarios, but he still didn't have a problem, far from that. 

Part of him wondered if the circumstances were really that bad, because really, in his head it wasn’t like he had an addiction or anything. Sure, he did drink a lot but plenty people do that. And yes, a few months for now it started to became more and more frequent, but then again, he is rockstar, the booze and the cigs were his brand, along with a ridiculous amount of talent and his impeccable ways of getting laid. 

“I found him a roommate.” Nick said simply, taking a sip of water, “I met this guy, he needed a place to live, Blaine had a spare room and needed someone to share rent with, so I saved the day.”

David frowned, “Blaine was looking for someone to share rent with?” 

“Yes, he was.” Nick answered firmly, probably his way of saying _‘this conversation is over, let's not talk about this now, later okay?_ ’and David just shrugged, except from Nick and Jeff who shared an apartment for obvious proposes, the rest of the band choose to have their own space for their own sake, they had been together for ages now after all, the five of them being best friends since high school, and really no love or brotherhood or band would survive if the five of them shared a place. But still, knowing Blaine for all those years and knowing how much his temperamental friend enjoyed his own space and also knowing the ridiculous amount of money his family had, David couldn't help but feel confused with this whole roommate thing.

Jeff, who was still busy devouring Wes' chips, just managed to say “Is he cute?” before swallowing another handful of chips, making his boyfriend roll his eyes. 

Blaine had to think for a second, “He is…” he tried to look for an adjective, and of course he did spent a few long seconds staring at the guy’s ass, so he couldn’t deny Kurt was attractive. But since he was there to pretty much kill the only joy Blaine had in his life in the moment, so naturally he could only find hateful words, “a fucking nightmare.”   
****

Wes snorted, “Really, he is _that_ hot?” 

“What is his name?” David asked, rolling his eyes.

“Kurt,” Blaine answered “He is a fucking teenagers and now I will have to live with a fucking kid that probably doesn’t even know how to ride the subway, and I swear on my dick, that if this kid expects me to play nanny I will kick him out of the apartment myself, and you all know how much I value my dick.”

Jeff laughs, “After you did that guy James who had that sociopath look all over his face, I am not so sure about that.”

Blaine gave him the finger and all the boys laughed at him.

“Blaine is just in a bad mood because now that he has a roomie he can’t be drunk 24/7.” Nick pointed out.

David yelled, “Finally!” 

Jeff smiled so big, “I am so happy, this is the best day of my life!” 

“You guys are pathetic.” Blaine said rolling his eyes. 

“We are pathetic? Dude you were shit faced last Wednesday, at 2pm. That is more than pathetic though, that is dangerous.” David said serious.

Everyone went quiet for a while, what was there to say anyway? Blaine was clearly in denial, big time denial, nothing said would make a difference. Nick looked at the people around them and could feel how tense was the air they were breathing, and instantly he knew everything that would happen. And what a huge mess that would be. Blaine needed help, that much was true, but confronting and pushing him was not how they were going to solve this mess.

“Wait, wait, wait, do you guys really think I need an alcohol intervention?” Blaine asked unbelieved. 

David and Wes traded a look and nodded frenetically their heads, “Yes! I mean come on B, you know that you need one.” David said and Nick closed his eyes, already feeling the headache coming.

“No I don’t, everyone drinks, everyone enjoys it. Wes, you got fucking drunk last Saturday with me, and I don’t see any of those assholes trying to make you stop or suggesting that you are an alcoh–”

He couldn’t even say the word and Wes just sighed, “B, I may have went a little overboard with the beers last Saturday, but you went a little overboard with every liquor on the bar every day that week.”

Blaine frowned, “That is not true!” 

“That is true.” Jeff said.

Nick nodded, “I am sorry Blaine.”

David sighed, “He was just stating facts B.” 

Blaine stood up from the stool and gave his best friends the biggest offended look in history. How could they say something like that? He felt as if he was sinking while he could see everyone calmly swimming by his side. Like there was something everyone knew, and everyone knew how to do it perfectly and he was just drowning in deep, dark waters and no one was bothered enough to throw him a life jacket or even try to reach out for him. They were just screaming that he was drowning but none of them were trying to help and make him learn how to swim. 

“Blaine, I say this out of pure love, but you keep behaving like a fucking alcoholic, of course we worry, we are family.” Wes said, standing up next to him and resting a hand on his shoulder, which Blaine quickly shrugged away.

“If you knew me at all you would know I have no such problem.”

Jeff shrugged and sat behind his drums, “You know, the first phase is denial.” 

“Fuck you!” Blaine screamed, “Fuck this, I am out of here, this is bullshit.” 

“No!” Nick said, “Come on, let’s put this aside, let’s rehearse so we can do a good show on Thursday. We promise we won’t push you anymore.”

Blaine shook his head, “No, you all don’t get it. I don’t have a problem, okay? You don’t have to push anything because there isn’t anything to even fucking push. Yes I drink, I happen to enjoy alcohol, so what? I am 22 years old, I know what I am doing. You guys are being so insensitive right now. Like, we are different people, we deal with everything differently, and if that is my way of dealing with my crap, than don’t fucking bother me, let me live. It is not your life, it is mine. So, can you guys please stop being on my fucking ass, trying to control me, control how sad I can get and how I deal with this stuff, and instead just live your damn happy lives? I don’t have such problem. I don’t. I know myself, and I am not an alcoh– I am not that! I already accepted living with that fucking guy and that is already fucking enough. Give me a damn break, okay?” 

And with that, Blaine stormed outside. Childish as it may sound, the day had been simply too much. A lot of things happened in such short amount of time and he just wanted a fucking break. Those guys were his best friend since ever, since before everything became a huge mess, since before everything that made sense in his life decided to slip through his fingers and since before things stopped making sense. And as if for recently, nothing seemed to make sense at all.

But that’s what they say, if you can’t be happy, you can at least be drunk. Maybe that was why they worried, maybe they actually felt as is Blaine was using alcohol as an excuse to not face his feelings. Nick had this whole metaphor about how repressed feelings will come back to bite you in the ass later on in the worst possible way, after all. And this was probably just Nick trying to prove himself right with this pathetic logic, they didn’t in fact believe he had alcohol problems.

But when he noticed, his legs were leading the way until the closest pub, he was sitting on the bar and had his order already in his mind, literally a few words away, and then it hit him really hard that maybe, there were a real possibility of him actually having a problem. Everyone knows that addictions begin with the hope that something “out there” can instantly fill up the emptiness inside. And when it comes to drinking, that’s why people get addicted to it, this is why they do it, either to feel something that used to exist, or to kill something that still exists. And Blaine did it for both reasons. 

Blaine stared at the labels across the bar from him, all those bottles and liquors to him meant nothing more than different ways to lose himself. It was true. It wasn’t until after he drowned himself in vodka for the first time, that he finally understood why it is so good. And why alcohol is used to replace love and pain and all that crap. Because until then, alcohol was something fun he did with his friends to kill stress and have a good time, and now, as he looked at those bottles and the first thought that crossed his mind was to drink until everything felt numb, Blaine had to even take a step back, because it felt weird, wrong. He sighed, drinking was bad, but still, the reason why he drank was worse. 

* * *

When Kurt finally came out of the cab from Blaine's apartment, _his_ new apartment, he literally had to take a few long breaths to absorb everything that happened. In less than 24 hours he had arrived to New York, had made a friend in New York, and had managed to find an apartment in New York. And no, he couldn’t stop thinking about all of that and well, his mind most definitely wouldn’t shut up about New York. And it wasn’t like he was trying to stop. 

Kurt got a little reflexive in the cab ride back to the hotel. He often thought about the hard times of his past, they were nothing more than bad memories, nothing more than cracks on the road that he, as usual, managed to get over and learn something from them. He often looked back at the storms and hurricanes he once had to face and now, he finally was able to see how far he had come since that. And really, what a journey that was. 

Logically, the only feeling consuming his chest was pride, along with a terrible anxiety of what it would be like to leave with someone like Blaine, a guy who managed to be rude with Kurt in less than five sentences. Lucky for him, he was an adult and planned to have a very independent life, _thank you very much_ , so if anything went a little too overboard he would do what he always did: Manage the circumstances, keep thinking positive and find a solution to the problem. Besides, Blaine wasn't going to be that bad, he _knew_ it.

He was so overwhelmed with everything that happened that he, yet again lost in his thoughts, managed to run into another stranger. Seriously if this became a habit Kurt would simply give up ever becoming a New Yorker, since all he seemed to do was fuck up and annoy strangers. Well at least this time no coffee was wasted. But maybe this was the way the universe wanted him to meet all of his friends, since after he apologize the man shrugged and said smiling, “Is that vintage Marc Jacobs?”

Kurt opened the biggest smile ever, even bigger than when he actually got this jacket last Christmas, “Yes! Good eye. I am impressed.” 

The man was a little taller than him and had a good taste in fashion as well, as Kurt could judge by the Versace loafers, “My name is Sebastian.”

“I'm Kurt, and so sorry again for stumbling on you, today is not my best walking day.” He said laughing. 

The man, Sebastian smiled, “No worries. It isn’t everyday that we get to meet someone who knows how to actually dress. I know, you would think that New Yorkers would know a thing or two about fashion but you would be surprised by the amount of people who still wear sandals with socks.” 

“Eww!” Kurt said laughing, _yep_ this was totally the universe helping him making friends, “I swear this is why I want to become a fashion journalist, not only I will get to dictate fashion but I will luckily be surrounded by people who know how to dress.” 

Sebastian’s face lit up, “My major is journalism too! I'm in my second semester at NYU.”

“Shut up! I start my first semester there this month!” 

“Okay this is fate Kurt, we are best friend officially. Thank you universe for throwing someone decent at my way.” 

Kurt smiled, he was in New York for a day and he already had better friends than he had in Lima, “This is insane.”

“Fucking amazing, come on let me buy you coffee so we can talk and bitch about people’s poor clothing choices.” 

Kurt laughed and nodded as he followed the taller boy until the closest coffee place. In their way, Sebastian started to tell Kurt all about the teachers he should avoid and told him about the projects he probably would have in that semester, he even shared with his new friend all the information of best hook up places on campus and the ones to avoid. And promised him that whatever he needed he could gladly count on him, since well, Sebastian did after all use the term best friends. And really, it already felt like it. Both boys hit right away as they drank their fancy lattes and chatted about everything in life, and when Sebastian asked, “Where are you living? There is an available apartment in my building, you should totally move there!” Kurt gave him a sad smile.

“Believe it or not but I found an apartment and a roommate earlier today, so I think I am good to go.” Though his words were everything but convincing. 

Sebastian nodded understanding, “I see. Are you sharing the apartment with someone from college too?” 

Kurt took a sip of coffee shaking his head, “Not really, the apartment is very close to the campus, though. I became friends with this guy Nick I met earlier today and next thing I know he arranged for me to move in with his friend Blaine. They probably live around because they have a band and they tend to play on pubs nearby or I don’t know really.”

Sebastian, who was carefully listening and sipping on his coffee as well, almost choked when he put two and two together. The names sounded familiar but when Kurt mentioned a band everything fitted perfectly. 

“You are Blaine Anderson’s roommate?” 

Kurt frowned, “I guess. I don’t know his last name and now it sounds like I am the least responsible person ever but I swear I am not, I was just very desperate for an apartment. By the way, do you know him?” 

Sebastian seemed to think about a proper answer but then just shrugged, “I do, a lot of people know him and the band, they are pretty famous at college and stuff. But I will be honest, and I am not saying this to kill your vibe or anything, but not only I know him but I despise him.” 

Kurt laughed, “Okay, now you’ve got to tell me. Did you guys…?” 

“God, no!” Sebastian screamed in pure horror, “For christ’s sake Kurt you have known me for half an hour now and we already are great friends, you must know me better than that. I don’t have a thing for unruly haired hobbits.” 

Kurt snorted, “He isn’t that bad.” 

“Oh my God,” Sebastian gave him an alarmed look, “Since I can see in your bright baby eyes that you think he is an attractive man, which in some level he is, just really not my type, I will tell you this but only because I care: The guy is the biggest asshole in history, and if you don’t believe me ask every gay men on campus, they will tell you.”

The younger man frowned, “Come on, you say as if he is a maniac sociopath.” 

“He might as well be, as far as I am concerned something is very off with this guy, because really nothing could justify his attitudes other than some serious issues,” Sebastian told him, “He is worst than the _‘take them than leave them’_ guys, his game includes making guys fall for him, for the way he sings, the way he talks, the way he looks at them and then after screwing their brains out he just waves goodbye and closes his, well now yours too, door at their faces.”

“Okay, this sounds a lot like you were one of those trapped by the Blaine beast.” Kurt said, smirking.

Sebastian shook his head, “I swear to you I didn’t, but I had this very close friend, James, oh boy, Jamie did fell hard. So hard he transferred to a different college. It sucked so much, he was one of my closest friends and just because fucked up Anderson decided it would be great to use him, he felt so ashamed and cheap he couldn’t take the rumors and the gossip around campus. It was too much for him and I totally get that, Blaine destroyed him.”

“Wow.” It was all Kurt managed to say.

Sebastian shrugged, “I don’t hold any hard feelings against Blaine towards that, I swear I don’t, Jamie is very happy right now and he moved on. Blaine is still an asshole though and I do despise him so Kurt, promise me you will be careful.”

“Please Seb, you don’t have to worry about this stuff with me. This year is about me and I don’t even care if it sounds selfish, but I plan on focusing on Kurt for a while, I owe this to my teenage self who always dreamed about living in New York, and no man could come between me and my first and only true love.” 

The older man chuckled and than smiled at his new friend, this friendship was already proving to be one of those who would last for a long time. He raised his cup and said, “To you, New York, new begins and most definitely new friendships, may your future as a New Yorker be as bright as you dreamed.” 

Kurt smiled brightly, cheering with his new friend, “I will drink to that!” 

* * *

When Kurt got back to the hotel, he took a nice, calming shower and did his moisturizing routine. He smiled as Sebastian sent him a text message of some hideous outfit he spotted in the subway and he couldn’t believe how much he loved their friendship dynamic already. Luckily he would meet nice people like Sebastian at college and everything would be perfect. 

Well almost perfect, since this whole Blaine thing made him even more unsure about living with him. What Sebastian had told him was enough to prove to Kurt that there wasn’t hope of a friendship with Blaine. Of course, he knew better than to base his judgements on someone because of their past. Maybe Blaine was a decent person now and maybe they would eventually become good friends. He would one day wake up and decide to bake his famous cookies and he and Blaine would bond over chocolate milk and mouth watering cookies. Or maybe they would just be tolerable with each other and respectful, though the way Blaine stared at his ass proved to Kurt that this whole respectful part might already be already too late.

He sighed. Sebastian did had mentioned the extra apartment in his building, and really how awesome it would be to live basically with his new closest friend? But then again, Nick would probably be upset with him, and he didn’t want Nick to dislike him, even if well, he didn’t warn about Blaine like Sebastian did. Maybe he should consider moving in to Seb’s building, he only had the apartment’s key so far after all, he hadn’t signed anything or moved his stuff there just yet. He had a few hours to think about that at least. 

His ringtone went off and Kurt smiled as he saw his father’s face on the phone screen, “I was wondering when you would call me.”

“Call you? You should’ve called me when you landed, you left your old man all worried all day kiddo,” Burt said, trying to sound mad but failing miserably.

Kurt smiled, “Sorry dad, I had a busy day. Though if you really want to know, I landed just fine and this is so much better than I could ever picture.”

“The city is treating you good then, I suppose?” 

“Good?!” Kurt nearly screamed, “Everything is huge and bright and the people, they are awesome, I mean the fact is that no one cares dad. No one even notices me walking down the street, or what I am wearing, or the way I walk, or they way my hair is much more shiny and perfectly styled than most boys would actually care for. I am allowed to be myself in every street here and I am living every second of it.”

Burt was wearing a big smile and Kurt could almost see it as his father said, “I am so happy for you, son. I was scared you wouldn’t make it.”

And at that Kurt frowned a bit. He was more than used to with people doubting him and his goals, some of them even dared to laugh at his face. And though his father never was explicit about it, this was really the first time Kurt was hearing this doubtful tone in his dad’s voice, his defense mechanism was instantly turned on. He needed to prove to everyone, for once and for all, that he had made it there and he would make it everywhere. He needed everyone to remember that even though they always, even if _some_ of them weren’t apparently as obvious about it, doubted him, he always believed in himself and always would. 

But, when the words, “Wouldn’t make it? Dad I already found an apartment and a roommate, everything on the budget and as a matter of fact I am moving there tomorrow.” He not only knew he already had made his decision about this whole Blaine deal without even putting a little more thought into it but he also knew that there was no going back.

The shook in Burt’s voice when he said, “Really?” was what made Kurt don’t regret his words as much as he thought he would. He was used with people doubting him, but not his dad.

“You sound so surprised that I am actually starting to question how much you actually believe in me.” He said, trying not to sound hurt but failing anyways.

“Kurt, you know how much I believe in you and how much I know you matter. I have no doubt in my mind that you will achieve all your goals and that you won’t rest until you became the person you want to be. But forgive your father for worrying, it is a big city, and during life we hear so many stories about failed dreams that I had to make sure you were actually okay. And if this is not the case, you know you don’t have to pretend with me, right? If everything is not like you pictured or you don’t feel ready, I won’t judge you if you come back.”

He was definitely okay, way more than okay. He was most definitely ready. So fucking ready. Despise the roomie drama, he was living his dream and he was, someway or another, making it to the city. And he was going to do whatever it took, even if it meant living with Blaine, to prove everyone, including his father, wrong. 

“I promise dad, I have never been better.” 

* * *

On the next morning, Kurt was standing in front of Blaine’s apartment – his new home – very early with the morning. It was a Wednesday morning and while for some it would be completely normal to be up by 8am, Kurt new his roommate wasn’t the case. 

So it was safe to say that Kurt was more than surprised when he opened the door using his own key for the very first time – _it felt so amazing!_ – and found his roommate sitting in one of the living room chairs staring at the TV but clearly not paying attention to a single image on it. He quietly managed to put his three huge bags next to the door before closing it, and Blaine didn’t seem to even notice his presence. 

“Hi there, good morning,” Kurt said calmly, partly because he wanted to sound friendly, part because it seemed like his roommate was sleeping with his eyes opened and he didn’t want to disturb or to anything to make Blaine pissed in the morning, not in their first day living together anyways.

The man sitting in the chair seemed to be brought back to reality, he looked worst than he did the day before, he did look cleaner though, Kurt was sure he had a shower, but the mess inside of him seemed louder this time, his eyes looked darker and tired, it was clear that Blaine didn’t get any sleep, the frown in between his brows seemed almost like a permanent expression and overall, even not knowing the guy at all, it was clear that he looked sad.

Blaine was having a harder time with this whole not drinking thing than he thought he would’ve. Honestly, he wasn’t an alcoholic. Far from that. Wes was overreacting when he used the term on the previous day. After putting a lot of thought into it, Blaine figured out why his friends thought such thing. You see, he was a very intense person, so logically, whenever he drank, he would drink intensely. Sure, sometimes he ignored his limits and forgot everything bad alcohol could cause him, since the throwing up part to the leaving an extremely embarrassing message to random boys part. But overall, and as sad as it was to admit it, he loved everything about being drunk. The forgetting who you are, and with that all the bad things you’ve done, the losing yourself in the moment, the danger of whatever situation alcohol could get you in. But after a few comas here and there, and a lot of nights waking up covered in his own vomit, Blaine knew Nick and the boys had a point when they begged him to clean his alcohol stash,  – All of it, even his hiding places – to have a fresh start with this whole roomie adventure. He needed to stop but not because he was an alcoholic. _He wasn't!_ But because he needed to slow down a little bit with all this intensity. 

And by the fact that he wasn’t able to shut his eyes for a single second at night because he was sober and among other things he wasn’t ready to even wrap his mind around just yet, he was more than sure that this roomie thing along with the sober thing would be worst than he imagined. 

“Fuck,” Was the first word that left Blaine’s mouth, and it made Kurt wince. He immediately thought about the day before when every sentence the older boy said started with the word ‘fuck’ as well. Maybe Blaine was drunk, that would explain the mess, and if that was the answer, something told Kurt that the man used to get drunk a lot. And that not only scared him, but made him doubt this whole moving in idea yet again. 

“Are you okay?” 

Blaine rolled his eyes and stood up, “Listen, you are hot and all but this idea still doesn’t please me. So I am going to tell you how this will work, so just nod if you understand.”

Kurt frowned, not liking at all how this was going, “Excuse me?” 

“Just nod Kurt, it isn’t that hard even for a kid like you.”

The younger man almost grabbed his bags and left without even an explanation, honestly it wasn’t like Blaine deserved one. If Kurt still had doubts that Blaine was a completely asshole, they were long gone. But for the sake of being the positive human being he was, he nodded anyways.

“Good boy,” Blaine mocked and the taller man rolled his eyes, “so this is how things will work; You don’t touch my stuff, you don’t come anywhere near my room, and you don’t complain about me smoking in the apartment.” Kurt tried to open his mouth to protest but Blaine kept talking, “My music is as loud as I please and don’t ever bother me when I am working. Oh and before you bring someone in here you gotta ask for my permission. I know I am hot and all but I promised Nick I wouldn’t do you, so for my own sake, don’t walk shirtless around the house, I have a thing for virgins and I won’t be able to stop myself if you do.” And he fucking winked.

“Fuck you.” Kurt managed to say.

And for some reason, that sounded very New Yorker of him.

Blaine smirked, “Don’t talk dirty to me either, that makes it even harder to fight the urge to bend you on that table and take your V card.” 

“You are an asshole, you know that?” Kurt was in disbelief. 

“I’ve heard a thing or too like that before.” He shrugged, “But listen pretty boy, if I can’t get my booze, you can’t get everything that you want either.”

Kurt frowned, “How is that fair? You are giving up on one thing and I am pretty much not free to do nothing besides stay on my room and shower, oh no wait, am I allowed to shower, or that would trigger your virgin’s radar?” 

Blaine licked his lips, avoiding the best he could the urge to bite them, “Bitchy, I like it. Though I don’t think it will be a good vibe for our home, Kurt.” 

“Our home with your rules.”

The older man shrugged, “Adult life is not fair, get over it.” 

Kurt swallowed his pride right there. Maybe this was part of the whole adult package. Not this whole apartment rules bullshit but not getting what he wanted. He could easily walk away, go back to the hotel room, call Sebastian about that free apartment in his building, but than again, he would have to call his dad again and let him know that things weren’t going so nice as he made they sound, not to forget how impressed Burt sounded when Kurt mentioned already having everything figured out. Plus whenever things got too much, he had Sebastian, who seemed to be the best thing that could possible happen to him in this place and time. So really, what was living with an asshole when you can manage and learn how to deal with stuff? 

Kurt gave Blaine a short nod and a weak smile, Blaine won this fight. “If you excuse me, I am going to my room.”

Blaine stared at him confused for a second or two, before blinking and answering, “Second door at the right.” 

He watched as the younger boy, that for some reason, looked even younger know, managed to drag his three huge bags to the room by himself without another word. Blaine wanted to feel bad about being an asshole, but then again it wasn’t on his DNA to feel bad for his actions. It was who he was and fuck whoever had a problem with it. Kurt was probably some privileged kid with a supportive parents that never had to deal with shit. This whole treatment would help him learn. Tough love, as they say. 

Some part of him knew this whole thing started off in the wrong feet and that, later on, he would either regret this because Kurt would tell everything to Nick and his best friend would kick his ass, or because that good side of him that used to show up every once in a while would totally confront him about how he treated the poor kid.

But for now, Blaine just wanted to manage to shut every voice in his head, including his father’s, that seemed to be screaming loudly and non stop. Keeping him from sleeping and making it even hard to breath. He just wanted everything to be quiet. And maybe, a bottle of vodka. Yeah, that would make everything better.

Blaine sighed, as he curled into the chair once again and tried to focus on the TV. The minutes seemed longer and the seconds to tick in his head. The apartment was so quiet it was as if he was alone, maybe Kurt was good at following rules and he wouldn’t cause Blaine any headache. Unlike the voices in his head who seemed to be louder than ever and were killing his head. 

A sip of alcohol would make everything better. But than again, he had to manage to prove to his friends that he wasn't an alcoholic. That he didn't had such problem. And right now, as painful as it was, he would have to deal with his pounding head. 

 _For now, at least._ One of the voices whispered, and it was the last thing Blaine remembered before falling asleep. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves! I almost thought this one wasn't coming...This week was a mess, I have the worse flu in history plus I broke my notebook so I had barely no time to write aside from today but luckily everything is fine now!  
> I hope you like this one and please keep commenting and leaving me kudos because they help a lot! also feel free to follow me on tumblr (klaineternalove) to ask questions or whatever and on twitter as well (@crissccoifer)!  
> A big thanks to Laurie, this chapter is dedicated to her because really, I couldn't love her more.  
> Again any mistakes is because I suck.  
> Love you all! 
> 
> Chapter Warnings: Blaine being an asshole and oral sex.

After a crazy long day full of pretty much nothing, since Kurt technically wasn’t allowed to leave the room, and to be honest, he actually didn’t want to leave the room to face Blaine and whatever mood his asshole of a roommate was dealing with, Kurt did at least expect his first night at the apartment to be a good one. 

The day before was filled with him trying to make his space look more like well, him. He was able to organize his wardrobe and add some framed pics he brought home with him, he managed to organize his moisturizing creams on the bathroom and he even managed to light some candles to try to take away the smell that this room seemed to be permanently stuck with. It was sort of an old, musty smell that made Kurt simply disgusted and in need to just do a whole make over in his so called space. 

He did also spent the whole day kinda worried about Blaine, kinda still very pissed at the older man. The fact that he was about to live with a crazy moody drunk at 8am guy was making every living fiber of his body doubt this decision even more. But really, how worse it could get? 

Sure, Blaine had set some pathetic rules. And that whole virgin thing? Where the hell had that come from? Kurt knew he looked young and somewhat innocent, but from that to pass as a virgin, which he was most certainly not? Yeah, that was pretty surprising. But back at the rules, he wasn’t even sure how he would manage to live like that. If it wasn’t for the time he heard Blaine going to his room and closing the door Kurt wouldn’t even leave the room to get some food that day. He felt trapped, and yet like he was agreeing with that. And all in all, this whole situation made him pissed.

But his positive side always spoke louder, so naturally before he went to bed he still managed to find a happy side in this whole situation. He was in New York, he had friends in New York, he had a place to live in New York, and despise everything, it couldn’t get worse from now on, only better. 

If only this time he didn’t jinx it. 

Kurt opened his eyes way too early for his liking. It was not that he wasn’t a morning person, it was just that he hated to be woken up by anything, let alone _someone._  

So when a incredibly, very unwanted and loud guitar started to play at nothing less than 6am, the barely New Yorker nearly fell from the bed while had a mini heart attack. Honestly, what the fuck?

Apparently it could get worse, and apparently it was too early for even Kurt try to take a deep breath and be positive. He tried for a second to process what was happening. Sure Blaine had all the rights to not want to have him as a roommate, Blaine had even the right to dislike him. But torture him like that? For no reason besides the fact that he being there for some reason meant he would have to quit drinking?  Kurt have had it. So, without even noticing he was missing a shirt and with that, broking one of the pathetic rules Blaine had set up, Kurt slammed Blaine’s room door open only to find a very sweaty, very shirtless as well, Blaine doing push ups on the floor. 

“You are shirtless.” Kurt stated eyeing tattoos on the man's exposed arms, as Blaine brought his head up and actually noticed the other man was in the room due the music, he smirked from the floor and made his way up on his feet to turn off the music. 

“So are you, and breaking one of the rules by the way.” 

Kurt immediately looked down at his body and frowned, he was in fact shirtless and being like that in front of Blaine was just too much. He braced himself with his long, pale arms and frowned at the man, “Seriously, you had to simply wake me and probably half of the neighborhood with that loud and unnecessary music at 6am?” 

Blaine shrugged, drying the messy curls at the end of his neck and looking out the window, “Sure thing. If I can’t have a peaceful sleep, why should you or anyone else?”

“Wow, that is…kinda very selfish.”

The older man shrugged again, “Selfish is you walking around naked after I told you not to since I am not allowed to touch you. That is very fucking selfish, Kurt.” 

Kurt rolled his eyes, “It is not like you’ve never seen a shirtless man before, or maybe you haven’t and you are projecting the, _very false_ , virgin label on me because you are the actual virgin.” 

Blaine had to take a step back after staring at the boy for a few seconds because he thought he would pass out of laughing and at least this way he would be closer to the bed. He wanted to tell Kurt about all those men he had in this room, against those walls, in this apartment, on the couch Kurt was sitting on the day Nick brought him in for the first time, on the kitchen table, on the bed Kurt was actually sleeping on. But even though Blaine was not the guy who would miss the opportunity to brag about his oh, so amazing sex life, something in Kurt’s sentence caught his attention, as he started to breath through the laughs and actually stared the blue eyed boy in the eyes. 

“What do you mean very false?” 

Kurt rolled his eyes yet again and than sighed, “Look Blaine, I know you hate this, and I get it, I even respect you and your reasons. Can you please at least make this living space tolerable so we can both live in peace? I will pretend you don’t exist and I will follow the rules so you can pretend I don’t exist, deal?” 

Blaine looked at Kurt’s hand as the guy offered it for him to shake it. He looked at the now a bit more exposed body since there was no longer one of those gorgeous arms covering it, leaving a lot of space for his imagination to think of one hundred different hickeys he would gladly leave everywhere. Sure, Kurt was the enemy or something like that but Jesus he had to be that hot? Blaine was going to shake it off, he knew he would. The first guy he let suck his dick nice and slowly would be more than enough to forget all about that damn smooth, creamy skin that he wanted to mark so badly.

He licked his lips and came closer, watching as Kurt’s eyes went from certain to Bambi desperate ones. Seriously, the guy was so effortless sexy it wasn’t even funny.

He reached for Kurt’s hands in a handshake and smile at the way Kurt almost immediately took his hand back after they touched. _Virgins_ , Blaine thought, after all he wasn’t buying what Kurt said before. The guy had to have his V card and Blaine only knew it because he was desperate to take it from him. But for now, “Deal.” 

Kurt searched in his face for any hint of lies or that he was actually planning something evil but he could only find hazel eyes, sparkling hazel eyes. With weird but somewhat attractive triangle brows on top of them, along with the shadow of a soon to be beard and a few droplets of sweat that were trying to run down his sideburns. He found a few curls stinging to his forehead and the strange urge to fix them so he could either use this as an excuse to caress that hair that looked so messy yet soft, or to take a better look at that gorgeous face that Blaine, despise being an asshole, undeniably had. He had to fight the urge to look down at the shirtless abdomen, or his very naked and toned arms and just stare at the endless olive skin with some ink marks that, only by a handshake, he knew was so warm. And he also found a smirk, followed by a little brow raise when he noticed that not only this had became the longest handshake in history but also, he was staring. 

Kurt turned around and closed the door as fast as he possible could and took a deep breath after it. He could listen to Blaine as the older man went back to his workout routine, this time with the music at a bearable volume and sighed yet again. Maybe it would be harder to ignore his asshole of a roommate than he thought. 

But then again this was Manhattan, he could find attractive men everywhere. And he most certainly would. 

* * *

“You look like you slept on the wrong side of the bed,” Sebastian stated as Kurt met him outside of his building for them to go grab coffee and explore the area.

Kurt gave him a very unfriendly look and shook his head, “Blaine is an asshole, but I think I managed to fix the situation.”

Sebastian stopped the walk and actually grabbed Kurt’s arms so he would look at him, “Dude, did you suck him?” 

“Bas! What the fuck, no!” 

The older man shrugged, “You said you fixed the ‘situation’” He did the air quotes, which made his new best friend roll his eyes. 

“Yes, unlike you some people actually use communication to solve their problems, not blowjobs.”

Sebastian shrugged, “Prude.” 

Kurt laughed and pushed Sebastian a little bit. Even after the morning incident he still managed to get a few hours of sleep before he had to actually wake up and meet up with his friend, and in fact this had everything to be a great day. Blaine’s band was playing at the nearby college pub and he and Sebastian were totally going. Kurt couldn’t wait to meet up with the rest of the band and see the guys playing and actually enjoy a night out in the city. Blaine left the apartment a few minutes earlier than Kurt, so maybe he did took this whole band thing seriously and was going to a rehearse or something. He was excited to see what would happen that night and that morning incident wouldn’t bother him.

“Have you seen them playing before?” Kurt asked Sebastian as they sat at a little table on the corner and sipped their lattes. 

Sebastian nodded, “A few times. They are good, I will say that. Nick is an awesome guy and he and his boyfriend are pretty cute.”

“Nick has a boyfriend?”

Sebastian frowned, “Honestly? They are pretty much married, I am surprised his first words to you weren’t ‘Hi my name is Jeff’s boyfriend Nick.’” 

Kurt laughed, “This is cute! I am getting more and more excited to see them.”

“I hope you get to meet Santana,” Sebastian started, “She is this latina girl that sometimes, when Blaine is too shit faced to sing, covers his parts and she is truly amazing, better than him if you ask me.”

The younger man shrugged and smiled, “I want to meet as many people as I can, I need more friends in this place and since it is a college bar, I am guessing I will get to start the semester feeling a little bit less of an outcast.” 

Sebastian placed a hand in his heart and mocked an offensive look, “How dare you want more friends than me?” Both man laughed, “Seriously though, I will introduce you to all hot guys that campus provide and luckily get you laid.”

“Already? I have been here for a minute, I don’t want to start off as the campus whore or something Bas.”

“Don’t worry Kurt, that label is mine and no one is taking it from me.” Sebastian smirked and winked, making his friend snort, “Like you said, a minute, do you know you can make a baby in a minute?” 

“Ew!” Kurt said, “Thank God I can’t get pregnant.”

“Indeed. Maternity clothes are just…offensive.” Sebastian said shaking his head in disbelief.

Kurt nodded, “I have an idea, why don’t you introduce me to some nice guy that you think is my taste?”

“If your taste in man is as good as your taste in clothes, I am pretty sure I am not finding him at some college pub, Kurt.” 

“Good point,” Kurt said smiling thoughtfully, “So, find me someone cute to flirt?”

Sebastian smirked and raised his glass, apparently this was his thing, “That I can manage. To a great night with cute guys.” 

“To a great night with cute guys with nice taste in clothes!” Kurt said, emphatically making Sebastian laugh.

“Amen! I will drink to that!” 

* * *

After working out, Blaine decided to take a shower, and later on, to a nap, sure thing he hadn’t be able to sleep proper since what felt like forever ago but he had a show to do after all so he had to, at least try and rest a bit. And it did work, when he woke up around 11am he was supposed to go straight to Wes’ place to rehearse for the night’s show. But it had been a day or so since that damn argument he had with the boys. Sure, he was no longer mad or even upset with his friends, and besides, since none of that was actually 100% true he had no reason to be.

But than again, that did not mean he was even a little bit feeling like facing his friend’s bullshit again. Specially since he knew Nick already did a whole speech demanding them ‘not to mention the subject anywhere near Blaine’ and now everyone would be acting awkwardly and it would just suck. 

So naturally, when a very cute boy Blaine had met last year when he decided it would be a good idea to try and work out at a gym, – what a waste of time that was, doing it on his house to annoy the neighbors and now Kurt, was so much better –  messaged him, something long the lines of _‘I haven’t seen you forever’_ and _‘I miss your cock’_ were what pretty much made Blaine decide to skip stupid rehearse and drag his ass to the boy’s house. It wasn’t like he needed to rehearse. He was great anyways. 

Now Blaine currently had his back against the door and his cock on the guy’s mouth. The guy, Gabe, welcomed Blaine in a very naked way, and Jesus that did make Blaine’s mood better. He could tell though, by the time the boy kissed him and then started to undo his jeans and trail the kisses down his neck and try to masturbate him over his boxers that something was off.

Even know, with his cock hard and down the guy’s throat he wasn’t being able to shut everything on his stupid brain and enjoy, or even relax. He had a gorgeous man on his knees in front of him, very sexily looking up at him as he devoured his dick and played with his balls. The man was sucking it so good and it was clear as day that he was very much enjoying it, and unfortunately and very unlikely, Blaine couldn’t say the same. 

Sex had been his favorite relaxing activity since before alcohol. And he loved this mutual thing boys had to just get off and get out. Boy, was he lucky to be gay. Booty calls everywhere and any time, no bullshit about swallowing cum, pretty much no gag reflex, and to top all of that, no vaginas. He didn’t had an aversion towards them or anything, but if anything he ever caught Wes or David watching on porn videos were the deal, it sure wasn’t his cup of tea.  

So it felt strange to feel almost nothing when he had pleading for cum eyes staring at him and his cock nearly pulsating, ready to let go. But it felt as if there was no way his brain would just literally let go and relax. 

“God,” Gabe said breathlessly, his hand around his cock keeping it hard and in place and everything was just so wet and messy and hot and dear God Blaine wanted to cum so bad and what the fuck was happening, “I want to taste you so bad.” 

Blaine closed his eyes and decided to stop thinking about anything besides Gabe and this blowjob. He wouldn’t think of alcohol and how much it sucked to be sober and not be able to sleep or to ignore his father’s hatred for him when he wasn’t drunk. How it sucked to feel watched by his best friends and how they didn’t trust him, or even worse, how they felt the need to worry about him over something that in his mind wasn’t a big deal, but if everyday without a drop of liquor proved anything to him, it was that actually it was a very big deal for him. 

He wouldn’t think about Kurt. Or the way he looked all hot and bothered in the morning when Blaine woke up him with the music. How he has a perfect lean chest, and perfect toned arms that tried to cover that delicious body from him but that only made him look more delicious. How he was witty and at the same time had baby jesus eyes that he just knew that if it was Kurt’s eyes looking up at him right now with that pleading expression he wouldn’t be able to even hold longer than a minute. How, even despise all of that, he absolutely hated the boy and how he was the reason this mess was even bigger and more unnecessary than ever. How he being there in the house was pure torture, because for once he couldn’t drink and also it was like an eternal tease. He didn’t even noticed how actually attractive the boy was until this morning, but now that he did all he wanted was those legs spread and grab a fistful of chestnut hair while he pounded on him until their visions blacked out and he could only hear high pitched moans and feel a hot hole clutching around his erection. 

How despise all his efforts, he couldn’t stop thinking about everything that was slowly but surely destroying him. 

“Blaine?” 

Blaine looked down at the boy on the floor in front of him. He had both hands on his own knees and Blaine could clearly see his soft cock there. He was sure he didn’t come so this could only mean…

“I gotta go.” 

He didn’t even bother fixing his pants before stepping outside and closing the door behind him, leaving a very confused and very naked boy there. But nothing could beat the embarrassment he was feeling right now, he nearly wanted to cry in frustration. 

It was a first time thing and he knew it only happened because he had a lot in his mind but then again, due the circumstances of his life right now he couldn’t know for a fact that it wouldn’t happen again. He sighed, but he really wanted to be screaming the loudest ‘Fuck!’ in history and just to make everything stop. He needed a bottle of vodka, a good night of sleep and to get rid of Kurt. Whatever deal they made in the morning was totally off since he was now hunting Blaine even when he was supposed to be coming. 

And if that wasn’t enough, his phone started to ring on his hand and Nick’s face showed on the screen. He was far from late for rehearse and like hell he was going to show up there after this whole thing. 

He wanted to go to a bar but he wasn’t because if he did it would mean that his friends were right and he did use alcohol to solve all of his problems. He wanted to go home to just lose himself in music and sleep, but he wasn’t because he couldn’t sleep peacefully and plus Kurt might be there. 

Blaine sighed as he entered the elevator and made his way outside. 

A long walk would fix that. And if not, a cold shower or maybe some kinky porn would do. 

* * *

It was 6pm when rehearsal ended and Nick decided to drag Jeff along with him to Blaine’s apartment to see his best friend was anywhere to be find. The fact that Blaine didn’t show up at rehearsal was the least of his concerns right now. Sure they had a show that night, but it wasn’t the first time Blaine did that before a show so they would be just fine. What, on the other hand was a big concern was the fact that they hadn’t spoke since the fight and due experience, Nick knew this wasn’t a good idea. 

Naturally, they expected to find Blaine drunk and butt naked around the house or something, in the worst of the cases, Blaine would be drunk in a bar or butt naked in some other house and with company, but when they knocked on the door, much for Nick’s surprise, Kurt opened it, along with that big, young smile that he always had with him. 

“Nick! Hi!” Kurt said, embracing Nick, maybe it wasn’t very New Yorker of him or even slightly a good idea since he was supposed to be at some level pissed at Nick for his new living arrangements, but whatever, he was still one of Kurt’s two friends after all. 

“Hi Kurt!” Nick said smiling, “This is my boyfriend, Jeff.” 

Jeff who, for now was only carefully staring at the brunette man who opened the door, couldn’t believe Nick arranged this whole thing when Kurt was well, gorgeous and pretty much the type Blaine loved to do, “You must be Kurt. I heard so many things about you!” He said pulling him in a tight hug.

Kurt smiled, “Only good things I hope, nothing about coffee incidents or whatever.” 

Nick laughed, “Only good things. Are you still coming to the show tonight?” 

Both men walked in the apartment and sat casually on the couch, Kurt assume they were very much familiarized with the space so he didn’t look very further into it. If anything Sebastian was right, they were a pretty affectionate couple and seemed to be pretty much attached to each other’s side all the time, it was pretty cute. Jeff didn’t even think twice before sitting on Nick’s lap and get comfy on the couch and Nick didn’t seem to have a problem with it what so ever. It made Kurt smile and want something like that for himself too. 

“I am going to the show, in fact I am ready for the show, or do you think I wear those skinny jeans for any occasion.”

Jeff nodded, staring at the boy's legs, “Respect dude.” Nick rolled his eyes.

“Is Blaine here?” 

Kurt shrugged, “I haven’t seem him since earlier today, I thought he was with you guys. He left like, pretty early.” 

Jeff went tense on Nick’s lap and the brunette’s hand around his boyfriend’s knee got tighter as they both stared at Kurt as if they were expecting him to say something to make them calm, as if he knew something else that would make the bomb explode. 

“What?” Kurt asked with both hands in the air, trying to show himself innocent and make them calm down at the same time.

Nick sighed, “Fuck, what are we going to do, we have the show and he is gone.”

Jeff reached for his phone, “I will call David, you call Wes we need to find him, what if he is–“ 

“Don’t even think, okay?” Nick said giving him a look.

Kurt watched the two men in front of him with a huge frown on his face. When Nick got up and started to make a panic over the kitchen cabinets, Kurt knew there was something very off but he couldn’t pin point what. 

When Jeff was about to call Wes since David wasn’t picking up for some reason, when the front door opened and a very tired looking, very sober Blaine walked in.

All three men watched as the curly dark haired man eyed the three of them. Blaine's eyes found Kurt and he rolled them and made his way to his room. Kurt frowned a little bit at the action and Jeff and Nick seemed to have noticed the way Blaine looked at him, almost as if he wanted to curse his existence. Blaine was half way to his room but he, unfortunately, didn't avoid Jeff's hug and failed to keep a straight face when the blonde man told him he loved him.

Nick joined the hug and the three of them had a moment, and Kurt wasn’t sure if he should go to his room or just simply smile at the scene. Sure Blaine was an asshole but he had a feeling that after their deal things would legitimately be better, even if that eye rolled pretty much told him that they still had a long way to go. Plus, if Nick and Jeff found in him something worth friendship material, he couldn’t be that bad. 

“Okay, okay enough,” Blaine said after Jeff gave him a sloppy kiss on the forehead, “Let me go change so we can get this over with okay?” 

Nick nodded, “We will talk about you skipping rehearse later, B.”

Blaine rolled his eyes and closed his room door behind him.

Nick and Jeff pretty much laid on the couch this time, looking relieved and as if they just had great orgasms. Kurt was still in the same place a little bit lost. 

“So…” 

Jeff laughed, “Dude, you are going to love the show.”

“We hope so at least,” Nick said, “Everyone is excited to meet you and if you are worried about being alone during the performance, please don’t. Santana and Quinn will be there to keep you company, they are like our best friends and they want to meet you as well.”

Kurt smiled, “I can’t wait to meet them too! I am actually bringing a friend with me but I would love more friends so yes, please.” 

“You already have a new friend here?” Nick asked, putting his hand on his heart as if it was broken, “I thought I was special.”

Jeff threw a pillow at his knucklehead boyfriend and rolled his eyes, “Ignore him Kurt, tell about how are you liking the city so far and specially how it is living with our B?” 

Kurt had to sigh at that, “The city is…amazing I love everything about it, I can’t wait to start the semester and actually build something here. As for Blaine, I think he has a lot of…hun issues dealing with his problems, but overall I know deep down I know he is a good guy and I hope we find a way to communicate better.”

“Is he being an asshole?” Nick asked, “Because I swear I will kick his ass if–“

“I’d love to see you try Nicholas.” 

All three man looked at a now freshly showered and rock star looking Blaine that just happened to look very attractive with a leather jacket, not that Kurt was thinking much into it or anything. 

Nick smiled, “Ready to go?” 

Blaine nodded and Jeff stood up, helping Nick do the same. Kurt could tell that if Nick was the responsible one in the band, Jeff was by far the most excited one. The blonde guy was all smiles on the way to the door, pretending to have drumsticks and singing some random song they probably had on their set list. 

Nick looked pretty excited himself, following his boyfriend to the door and smiling at the sweat kiss Jeff placed on his lips as he opened the door. Blaine was a bit behind, checking his phone and seeming not so in the mood as the rest of the band. He did had a very long walk after all, he went to the park and there he was for the majority of his day. Looking at the dogs that passed by with their owners, looking at kids with their loving parents, wishing that everything was easier for him, wishing that something would take the pain away and for everything just stop for a minute. When he finally left, he came to the conclusion that maybe playing tonight would make everything, since his endless need for alcohol to the failed sexual attempt he had earlier, better. 

“I hope you do great tonight.” Kurt told him quietly as he grabbed his jacket from the kitchen table and, for the first time since that morning, Blaine looked directly at him. 

He knew exactly why he was avoiding the boy. It was the eyes, the hair, the little smile, and the attempt to always be a damn nice person even after Blaine already proving to be an asshole. Kurt looked at him expectantly as if he always hoped for something better, something good to come from him, when in reality he was a major, hopeless fucked up. Not to mention that he had ruined a blowjob for him, so really he needed to just stop.

"Coming boys?" Jeff screamed from outside the apartment here he and Nick were waiting for the elevator.

 _Coming_. Blaine, who was staring at Kurt, only rolled his eyes again, following his best friends outside as fast as he could. He knew he was starting to look like a brat with the eye rolls and the attitude. But seriously though, he had pretty good reasons. 

Kurt shook his head and made his way to the door, checking a message from Sebastian telling him he was already there. 

Regardless Blaine’s attitude, Kurt would enjoy himself. And if that toast with his friend really meant something, maybe he could even find something to distract himself that night. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves,  
> Just wanted to tell you all that I have been going through some personal stuff so in case you think this one is a depressingly awesome chapter, please leave me comments here and kudos because they help A LOT!  
> An extra special thanks to the dear Serena for being the sweetest, and to all my readers, the few ones I have, I appreciate every single one of you so much!  
> I hope you like this one and don't forget to follow me on tumblr (klaineternalove) to ask questions or whatever and on twitter as well (@crissccoifer)!  
> Love you all!

The Uber ride to the pub was uncomfortable to say the very least. Blaine decided to go in the front while Jeff and Nick went in the backseats with Kurt, the three man not shutting their mouths for one second making Blaine’s head nearly explode. 

Once they arrived, the curly haired man didn’t think twice before going straight to the stage so he could start the soundcheck with his microphone and guitar and ignore the fact that as soon as Kurt walked in the room Santana and Quinn who were already there along with David and Wes, and a guy who looked kinda familiar, were all over his new roomie. 

“Dude you must be Kurt!” David said, pulling the younger man in a hug, “So awesome to meet you, I am David.” 

Kurt smiled at him and said a small, almost shy ‘Hi’. Wes’ introduction involved some sort of weird handshake Kurt had never seen before but tried to play along with him, smiling when the man said he was cool. Which made Blaine roll his eyes on the stage. 

“Come over here Kurt, don’t mind those asses, we are the cool people,” Santana, Kurt guessed, said. 

Wes rolled his eyes, “We needed to go do the soundcheck anyways.” He said as he watched Nick and Jeff disgustingly make their way to the stage while pretty much humping against each other, and David grabbed his water bottle from the bar and went right after them, “Kurt, I am buying you a drink as soon as we are done. You are cool dude.” 

Kurt laughed as Sebastian elbowed him, “I am not 21 yet.” 

Santana gave him a look, “Don’t even.”

“Lame!” Sebastian said. 

“Okay! Okay!” He said in redemption, smiling as the guys set themselves on the stage and started to laugh at something. Again, everyone but Blaine.

Blaine seemed to be too busy with his guitar, he went note by note and than note by note again. He carefully watched what was happening across the pub, as Quinn already had her arms wrapped around Kurt and that fucking familiar guy were talking to him with the biggest intimacy only lovers probably had, or maybe long time friends. Santana seemed to be excited over something that the familiar boy said making Kurt roll his eyes and Quinn tell them something with that motherly protective look that made Wes shut up in a matter of seconds whenever he was rambling about something stupid or sexist. 

Blaine rolled his eyes. How pathetic it was that everyone seemed to fall for whatever pretense of being a cool guy Kurt was putting, because really from living with the guy he knew he was nothing but an asshole. Than again, Kurt never did anything to him directly, but he did ruin that blowjob earlier that day, and since that was his fault it was enough for him to be categorized as an asshole. 

He kept his eyes on him as he threw his head back and laughed out loud, saying something along the lines of “Bas! You are insane!”, Blaine rolled his eyes. Maybe this Bas guy was some booty call Kurt already managed to find in New York, which really wasn’t impossible. The city was filled with thirsty guys looking for exactly what Kurt was, fresh meat. _Gorgeous fresh meat_ , his brain had to add. 

Okay so the guy was in fact attractive, so what? Plenty of guys are attractive and that didn't mean they were cool guys or worth his time. In fact, a lot of them already proved to be not worth his time. Gabe from this morning for instance, sure he already stablished that what happened was entirely Kurt’s fault, but if he was as good in blowjobs as Blaine was, he wouldn’t have this problem because Blaine would drive him insane and take him to pretty much a different universe, which he always did with every boy he ever sucked. He received great feedback. 

He watched his friends going backstage and with a final glance at bar, he took a deep sigh and tagged along with them. 

Backstage, they had a few bottles of water and a lounge space in which the couch was permanently reserved for Nick and Jeff and their endless make out sessions pre-show and after-show. Don’t bother asking it is a tradition since always. 

Blaine tends to feel kinda very disgusted kinda very jealous about their relationship sometimes. He remembers how they all met in high school and how they instantly became great friends. And that was way before New York, the band and even before they opened up about their sexual preferences to each other. 

Nick was Blaine’s roommate back at Dalton, they bonded over bullying stories and it was pretty mutual that they knew about each other’s sexuality right away. After the look Nick gave him when Blaine told him he was nearly spanked to death after a prom he attended with, as Blaine put at the time, a male friend because he had his curly hair out and not gelled at all and not because well, he was there with a male friend, made it pretty obvious that his best friend was well aware of his sexual preference. 

While it became pretty obvious to Blaine that Nick was also on his team when the brunette couldn’t shut up about Jeff. The little crush started to develop and at some point Blaine knew the boy was madly in love with their blonde friend. And it wasn’t until one of the squad’s sleepover, in which Wes told them all about how he lost his virginity with his older sister’s friend that was 18 at the time when he was only 14, in which David told them about his parent’s messy divorce and how he ended up at Dalton because none of them had time for him anymore. In which Jeff started to nervously laugh and told them all he was gay, and while Nick caught Blaine’s eyes with the most hopeful look in history, they all reunited and hugged the blonde man and both Blaine and Nick saw that as the perfect time to also come out of the closet. And the rest is history, the five guys became best friends and later on band mates and, regardless their ups and downs, they didn’t see themselves living without one another ever. 

“Blaine?” David asked. 

“Hmm?” 

David frowned and eyed Wes, “He has been ignoring me for the last thirty minutes or so.” 

Wes nodded, “He must have a lot on his mind, I mean I would too if I was living with that hot piece of ass. I am not even gay but have you seen that ass?” 

“I thought I was the only one!” David said, shocked. 

Nick and Jeff was tangled in the couch and both of them even managed to take a break and say something along the lines of, “We noticed too, by the way.” And went back to kissing. 

Blaine rolled his eyes, “I don’t care really, when will the show start anyways?” 

Wes laughed out loud, “You don’t care? Okay B, okay.”

David pushed him a bit, “They will call us any minute, I can feel the pub getting fuller so maybe another ten minutes.” 

“Did you hear it pervs?” Wes screamed at Nick and Jeff and Nick nearly moaned at the way the blonde man was bitting his ear, “Ten minutes of this bullshit and next time, again, remember that as much as we appreciate your love, don’t make it in front of us. _Again!_ ” 

“It was a one– _uhn Jeff please_ ,” Nick sighed, making Wes roll his eyes, “One time thing it wo–won’t happen again okay?” 

David nodded, “Sure thing.” 

Blaine grabbed his guitar again and focused on the cords and notes once again. He couldn’t wait until the show started so he could lose himself on his music and not focus on his friend’s dumb ass questions, or at the blue eyed boy in the bar.

* * *

Only that didn’t change once they got on the stage. They were half way through their set list and all he could focus on was on the way Kurt and the guy Sebastian – that now Blaine remembered pretty well as one of his ex booty call’s friend – were pretty much talking all the time ignoring the fact that the band was playing. Sure Kurt would move his hips every song or so with Sebastian right there next to him as they both eyed the crowd curiously, and while Kurt looked as if he was getting familiarized with it, Sebastian was most definitely looking for something there. 

It wasn’t until they were halfway through music number three that Blaine found them in the crowd and noticed Sebastian handing Kurt a beer, he bet it was the guy’s first drink since the champagne his parents would probably let him sip during New Year’s Eve. Pathetic. 

He watched as Santana was cheering them and Quinn was right there dancing along with his roommate and making him laugh. Santana would grab Sebastian’s arm every once in a while and carefully point at some stranger to get his approval and so far, the Latina had not succeeded. 

Blaine was trying his best to lose himself in the song, to fully belong to the moment and ignore whatever bullshit his brain was trying to trick him into again. But the words he sang, the vibe from the audience, everything just demanded him to find Kurt and see him. Watch every little move and every single one of his actions, the way he rolled his hips, the way a little lock of his hair was falling on his forehead, the way he would frown a bit whenever he sipped that damn beer. 

 _God_ , Blaine thought, he would do anything for this. 

And for a second there he wasn’t sure if this meant the boy or the beer. 

For a song or two, when David joined him on the microphone, he was actually able to live that moment and that moment only. Actually smiling at the sounds from the crowd and at some level he was really having a good time. 

But the moment lasted around three minutes. Apparently Santana and Sebastian had succeeded to find Kurt someone to maybe dance with, because as for now, all Blaine could see was some douche looking guy, standing behind his roommate, whispering on his ears something that made the boy bite his lips and blush a bit. 

Suddenly, Blaine’s grip on the mic became a little more desperate and the way he sang the song a little more intense. Nick seemed to notice as he eyed his best friend and the way he was actually giving himself to every single moment of that song. It felt like he was possessed and it had everything to be truly magnificent, only if it was so heartbreaking. 

It was true, no one knew in this moment what Blaine was dealing with. The nights without sleep, the nightmares, the constant noises on his head messing with him in the worst, most dangerous way possible, and if all that wasn’t already enough, he now had this feeling creeping on the back of his neck whenever his eyes focused on the guy dancing along with Kurt on the crowd. 

He stared, stared for a good two songs. How Kurt leaned on his touch, how the boy’s gazed darkened when Kurt’s hips moved along with his. How Kurt would cheer during songs and still somehow manage to focus all his attention to the guy behind him. He watched until the pain on the pit of his stomach became almost unbearable. He nearly laughed as he remember the lines of an old movie, _the only unbearable thing in life is that nothing is unbearable_. But oh boy, did he feel this pain. And he kept on staring, staring until it all started to hurt. The lack of alcohol, the voices in his head, his father’s words, and now, his roommate with another guy. He focused on all of that because somehow, feeling the pain was better than feeling empty. 

 The last song began and the guy Kurt had against him not only a moment or so ago was gone. He could see the boy along with Sebastian and the other two girls as they laughed it off and chatted about something else. And that made Blaine a little relieved because now Kurt was alone and he could clearly see that the only thing he felt for the boy, aside from the attraction that he couldn’t deny anymore, was that he hated Kurt. Hated everything about him.

And suddenly, Blaine craved for a cigarette more than he craved for his next breath. He didn’t smoke, not really. Usually just when he was drinking and when it was cold outside, along with a cup of coffee in the morning and sometimes, after sex. But he wasn’t a cigarette person. But he needed something to taste, something to fill his lungs and maybe easy this fullness and tightness on his chest. He needed something to hold on to and something that wouldn’t slip away from him. 

As soon as the room filled with applauses and the boys made their ways backstage again so they could go to the bar and have a great time with the rest of the group, Blaine quietly whispered to Nick that he needed a break and to breath a little bit and his best friend gave him a worried look before nodding quietly. 

Outside, Blaine managed to grab a cigarette with a fan and went to the corner far away from all the smokers. Once alone he lighted up his cigarette, having the smoke filling his chest was enough to make his eyes roll and it was the first thing in days that made his shoulders actually relax and made him able to lean against the wall and take a deep breath. Right now, the cigarette tasted almost as good as a drink would. In fact, his relationship with this cigarette was currently very similar to the way he used to treat his precious alcohol. The way he hold his cigarettes very tightly in between my fingers and very close to his lips, always afraid to see them escaping through his fingers and suddenly being distant from his mouth, the way he held the smoke as long as he could take in his chest and to let it go was almost like losing something really dear to him, the way he simply couldn’t bear to step on it in order to light it down. This cigarette, much like his beloved drinks, wouldn’t take the pain away. They wouldn’t make everything stop and wouldn’t make things better either. But they weren’t making things worse. And somehow they gave Blaine hope, even if this word was ages ago removed from his vocabulary, that maybe things wouldn’t hurt as bad. 

* * *

Thirty minutes after the show was over everyone in the band joined Kurt, Sebastian, Quinn and Santana in the bar. Everyone except Blaine. When Quinn went to hug her best friend Jeff and noticed the usually moody curly haired man was missing, she instantly questioned Nick which the man only shrugged and stole his boyfriend back from her embrace. 

They are all currently sitting in a table and not even ten minutes into the conversation not only Kurt knows he probably found the most amazing people in New York, but he can’t help but thank God, fate, the universe, whatever it was that made him drop Nick’s coffee not only a week ago. 

Sebastian also seems to fit in the group pretty well. While the band was in the stage still performing, he and Santana decided to bond over inappropriate jokes and finding a cute boy to Kurt flirt with. That alone was apparently enough to make them seem like long time friends, even right now with the table full of people, they were still chatting about something that sounded like different types of lube. Not that Kurt actually cared since he was very much into whatever weird fact David was telling the rest of the table. 

Right away he noticed that if Nick was pretty much the father of the group and Blaine the brat child, Jeff was the adorable one everyone wanted to hate or roll their eyes at him all the time but just because he was so…adorable, it was impossible not to fall in love with his personality. David and Wes started as pretty common and chill guys, but ten minutes after talking with both of them, he knew Wes was a big ladies man, seriously the guy should write a book about his sexual conquers – or as Santana so likely put _Desperate Chicks who were dumb enough to bang him_ –, and David, well he managed to go so deep in some weird subjects that Kurt could’ve sworn he was stoned, but by the way he was speaking, so serious and so focused, Kurt knew he just happened to be a crazy dude.

“The other day I was in a cab for some reason and I suddenly remembered that I once read that a whale’s heart is the same size as a car. A fucking car.” David said, out of the blue like that, making the whole table, including Santana and Sebastian who were still in that same topic, stare at him. “Dude, that is huge. I mean, for a heart.” 

Even Jeff and Nick had to stop whispering dirty things on each other’s ears and laugh at this. Quinn just looked at Kurt and nearly apologized about this whole speech, “Please ignore him Kurt, David probably forgot his medicine today.”

David shrugged, “Excuse me if I find those things fascinating.” 

“I think boobs are fascinating and you don’t see me randomly bringing them to a conversation.” Santana said. 

“You totally should, Tana.” Wes said, now focused on the conversation because, apparently he was in charge of inspecting women’s asses that night. 

Santana and Quinn rolled their eyes in sync and Quinn raised her finger and pointed straight into Wes’ face, “Women are already sexualized daily, I will not sit here and see you rant about–"

“Women’s body as if they were a piece of meat and watch as you contribute to this sexist society that we live in.” Wes finished mocking the blonde’s voice, “You done, Quinnie?” 

“I hate you.” the blonde answered and the table laughed. 

Jeff started to pet Quinn’s hair knowing this would be the only thing that would make his best friend easy again after her daily fights with Wes and finally asked the question that mattered, “So Kurt, thoughts on the show?” 

Kurt smiled brightly as he saw all eyes expectantly on him, this time not a single band member seemed to want to hear anything besides his words, “You guys were…Incredible? I mean I wish Blaine was here so I could compliment him because really his voice is amazing, and that bass solo David? That was iconic. You all did such a good job I might have became a your biggest fan.” 

David literally went over the table and gave Kurt’s cheek a very sloppy kiss making Sebastian laugh out loud at his new best friend’s face, “You are my new favorite man.” 

Kurt laughed out loud and suddenly everyone seemed excited to talk about the band, Nick started to tell him all of his ideas about new set lists and places they could play. Apparently they all had good plans for their future as a band. 

“What is the band’s name anyways?” Kurt finally asked. 

Quinn snorted, “This is gonna be good.” 

“I wanted it to be called Wes and the rest, because it kinda rhymes. But those assholes didn’t like the idea. Assholes.” Wes said making his band mates roll their eyes.

Jeff slammed the table, “Say the name out loud. Say it proudly!” 

“The Warblers!” They all screamed making people all around the bar scream along with them. Kurt and Sebastian shared a curious look as they waited the story behind the name.

Santana stared at her four friends and laughed, “Listen dick heads, if you want to play anywhere but a college pub, you will have to find a better name for the band.” 

Jeff gave her a mortal glare, “Dude, I made T-shirts.” 

“And no one is stopping you from wearing them, but really, you gotta find a better name.” 

Kurt shrugged, “I like it.”

“Thank you, Kurt!” Jeff said eyeing Santana making the Latina roll her eyes and focus once again on Sebastian and their endless talk about sex.

“Where is Blaine anyways?” The new New Yorker questioned. 

Wes shrugged, “I don’t know but what I do know is that you shouldn’t compliment his damn talented ass because trust me, he will become an even bigger asshole if you do that.” 

Quinn nodded, “Bitch is talent, and he knows it.” 

Nick laughed at Wes, “How so you are calling B cocky when you pretty much never shut about about your sexual adventures?”

Wes smirked at that, “Speaking of which, I gotta tell you all about this girl–“

“Wes!” Quinn warned.

“Now I am curious.” David said, making the blonde woman nearly throw a glass at him.

“For the sake of Kurt, don’t.” Nick asked. 

Kurt for once shrugged, it wouldn’t be this bad he guessed, “I don’t mind, really.” 

Quinn sighed and leaned her head to rest it on his shoulder. As everyone, including Sebastian and Santana, came closer to listen to the damn story. 

“This girl, I swear god damn, she had the best boobs I’ve ever seen”, Wes said making Quinn roll her eyes, as the man closed his eyes with precision and squeezed imaginary boobs in front of him, “And her skirt was the shortest, we were in this club and it was so dark and everyone besides us were so fucking stoned, so I went under the table, I pushed her skirt as far as I possible could, so I took a bottle of beer and–

“Blaine!” Nick screamed, as soon as he noticed the man approaching the table and luckily, as soon as Wes’ story was starting to get a bit too graphic. 

“Dude,” Wes says eyeing Nick pissed, “I was getting to the good part.” 

Sebastian, who looked rather disturbed, only said, “I think that was enough.”

“Definitely.” Kurt said.

Wes leaned against his chair and shrugged, “You all don’t know what it is like to have an actual good time.” 

Blaine, who was still standing outside and feeling like an outcast with his own fucking band nearly laughed at the way Nick and Jeff pretty much eye fucked at Wes’ words and how Santana and the other guy both snorted. Kurt remained quiet and that was because, as Blaine knew, he was a virgin. Period. 

“Blainers, here,” David said, trying to make room for him to sit in the booth next to him, which seemed pretty damn impossible.

Wes stood up, fixed his pants and patted Blaine’s shoulder, “Watch and learn.” 

Everyone in the table watched as Wes made his way to another table full of girls he probably had been eyeing all night long. He went straight to the girl who was sitting next to an empty chair, he carefully placed one lock of her hair behind her ear and whispered something. She instantly nodded and blushed a little bit. Wes winked, grabbed the chair and made his way back to their table. 

“There you go.” He said, placing the chair in the end of the table.

Blaine rolled his eyes and sat on the chair. “You know that little show you just did was unnecessary.” 

Wes shrugged, “You say unnecessary, I say fabulous.” 

“Anyways, Kurt you didn’t tell us what the hell are you doing in college?” 

As soon as the younger man opened his mouth to answer, a very cute waitress showed up with the cutest dimples, and by the face Wes made, he knew her pretty well. She congratulated the band and smiled at the boys and than she asked the infamous question.

“So, what you will be drinking?” 

The whole table went tense except for Sebastian who nearly screamed as he ordered his Sex On The Beach, “Delicious to drink and to do.” He said, earning a snort from Santana.

The Latina eyed Nick who gave her an indifferent look and shrugged, “Get me a beer, Carly.”

The waitress nodded noting the orders, everyone seemed way more relaxed now, they all ordered their drinks and Kurt didn’t even blush when he ordered whatever drink Sebastian had recommended him.

“What about you mister rockstar?” She said poking Blaine with her pen.

The man was too busy staring at the table and focusing on that and only that, he barely managed to whisper, without moving his eyes, partially because he knew everyone was staring, partially because he couldn’t believe what he was about to say, but somehow Carly managed to stare at him for a few seconds after he answered the question, before nodding and writing it down. 

“Okay so, a sex on the beach, four beers, two mojitos, one cosmopolitan and hun...water?” 

Nick nodded and smiled, “Thats right, thanks Carly.” 

Santana opened her mouth to do a snarky comment about Blaine not drinking but Jeff was quicker, asking Kurt yet again about college. 

“Let me guess, you are also an artist?” David asked shrugging, “I don’t know you seem like the type.” 

Kurt smiled, “I considered applying for a fashion major but after a lot of research I decided I didn’t want to create fashion I wanted to dictate it, so it landed me with a journalism major and hopefully a successful future.” 

Sebastian rolled his eyes, “Really, you will be just amazing, shut up.” 

Quinn gave him a half hug, “I can’t wait until I take you out to shop with me, seriously you are already my favorite person ever.” 

Blaine laughed loudly and humorlessly at that, making Nick push him a bit too hard on the shoulder. So what he was being rude, he didn’t like the guy and he didn’t understand this whole attention he was getting. 

“So…” Wes started, breaking the tension yet again, “How are you liking New York so far?” 

Kurt was eyeing Sebastian, both of them trying to understand what the fuck was wrong with Blaine and why he was treating Kurt like that when he was doing nothing, Sebastian even eyeing him with that mortal glare but that didn’t help since Blaine was still very focused on the table. 

“I love it. Everything about it is just home.” 

David smiled, “Home is wherever you heart is.” 

Blaine frowned, humorlessly laughing again, “Pathetic.” 

“Blaine!” Nick said. 

The man just shrugged. Luckily Carly came back with the drinks and everyones attention went straight to Kurt yet again as he tried the first cosmopolitan of his life, what made Blaine even more mad, specially since he was sipping water when there were literally glasses of alcohol everywhere he looked. 

He quietly sank in his chair even deeper. He tried to pretend that this whole thing wasn’t happening. There were other things he could do to avoid this whole bullshit that was going on the table, he could get laid for instance, of course that would probably end the same way it happened earlier that day, Blaine quietly groaned. He could go home, but that would only mean he would be alone in an apartment that didn’t even only belong to him anymore. He could go outside again and find someone to give him another cigarette, a person has to at least have one addiction right? 

Kurt laughed across the table and for the first time since he sat down, Blaine actually turned to look at him. The boy had probably the sweetest little laugh he ever heard in his life. And if that wasn’t killing him, the fact that Kurt sipped his drink and leaned closer to Sebastian did it. 

He brought his eyes back to the table and stared at every little imperfection in the wood and counted to 100 back and forth. The beginning would be hard, the first sober days would be too tempting, too hard, too intense. But he knew they wouldn’t last forever. 

This night on the other hand seemed to have no end. And that was all Blaine could think as he, yet again sipped his water and focused on the wood table. Not focusing on his friends, on their drinks or on Kurt’s laugh. 

* * *

Nick and Jeff were sharing the car with Blaine and Kurt since the four of them lived pretty close. Blaine smashed the door behind him not even thanking the Uber driver or saying goodbye to his friends as Kurt, apparently a bit tipsy, took his time to hug Nick and Jeff and wish them both a good night, thanking them for the great night and _bla bla bla_. 

The elevator ride was filled with Kurt’s own voice as he tried to start an amicable conversation but ended up in a monologue trying to compliment Blaine’s performance when all the older man did was stare at his own shoes and sigh whenever Kurt used the word ‘amazing’, which he did every second or so. Once in the apartment Blaine took off the jacket and his shoes, and watched as Kurt tried to balance himself on his feet and laughed a bit. 

“I think three drinks were enough for me.” 

Blaine was now watching him carefully because if the guy was about to vomit he would make sure not to happen in his living room. 

“How long have you been singing? I mean your parents must have spent a shit ton of money on you because really who would waste that kind of talent, right?” The boy asked, still leaning against the wall next to the door and still giving Blaine that goofy, cute, amicable smile. 

Blaine shrugged, “Yeah.” 

Kurt pouted, “You are very rude sometimes you know? Look at this right now, I am just trying to have a conversation with you.” 

“And I don’t give a fuck about anything you are saying.” 

Kurt raised his eyebrows and nodded, “I don’t get why you are like that, specially after our deal.” 

Blaine laughed, “That was bullshit and you know it, just a way for you to try to control my house and my life a little bit more, as if the drinking thing wasn’t enough.” 

Kurt frowned and deposited his weight on his feet once again, “Okay Blaine listen, I don’t know why you think I am what makes you unable to drink. I don’t know which pact you and Nick did on me, but don’t act like a little frustrated boy projecting your frustrations on me when I am not stopping you from anything. Go out, get drunk, get laid, die for all I care. Just don’t come here and be rude to me when I am clearly trying to make things okay.” 

Blaine stared at Kurt for a good second. The bambi blue eyes were a bit darker as he tried to sound serious and probably was burning in anger. Blaine had to admit, he was acting badly, he wanted to push Kurt’s buttons until it reached his limit. Until he won what he wanted. But what he wanted anyways? A drink? Kurt just told him he could have one. To get laid? He could manage that easily as well. But what he truly wanted, all those feelings and voices to go away and leave him alone was everything he didn’t have. Because he was still relying on those superficial things like alcohol and sex to give him the joy in his life, to make things sparkle in between his daily endless darkness. 

And now, he was staring at probably the most adorable boy that someone could possible get to call a roommate. Kurt was everything and everyone seemed to fall in love with him as soon as they met him. But he was there everyday to remind Blaine that his friends thought he had a problem, because _hell_ he had a fucking problem. He worked as some sort of mirror, always there to show the truth. All he wanted to do was curl on his bed and cry and ask why and just give up. But if Kurt was there it was because Nick and the boys wanted him to try, to get better, to get over this whole fake reality and fake hopes alcohol would give him. 

But then again, those fake hopes were all he had. Blaine smiled and nodded, which made Kurt frown even harder. He put his shoes back on, along with his jacket and made his way to the door again, passing through Kurt and ignoring the way the pleading blue eyes stared at him. 

He was almost closing the door when he felt the boy’s hand around his arm and squeezing it slightly, “Please don’t go drink.” 

Blaine froze as Kurt barely whispered the words.

“Please Blaine stay here, I can make some tea and we can try to get to know each other. You don’t have to be like that.” 

He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breath. He could hardly blink. He could listen though, every word, the way Kurt got closer, the way he was nearly dragging him in, the house and himself. How insanely scaring the thought of that was and how Blaine would do everything in his power not to let himself be right now. Because somehow, he knew that if he did, if he got inside, he would fall so hard and so miserably that maybe not even all the alcohol in the world would save him again. Because if Kurt was there to bring him hope, he would most likely already throw him away since that was what happened with every last piece of hope he ever had. About his father, about himself. Hope for him was the same thing as Santa, a lie often told to abstract the fact that reality is painful and mortal. And he couldn’t deal with that right now. 

“You can get drunk all you like, but in the morning you’re gonna be sober with a headache and the same problems. Please Blaine.” 

Blaine closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. He didn’t know why but the first thing that popped in his mind was something a drunk friend once told him, that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and Blaine couldn’t understand why the happiness never came, couldn’t see the flaw in his thinking, couldn’t see that alcohol kept him trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. He lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time he drank it would be different, next time it would make him feel good again. And all his efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn’t made him feel good in years. But it did made him forget. 

He gently pushed his arm from Kurt’s hand embrace and could swear he heard the boy gasp. He wasn’t sure if the door closed behind him or if Kurt was watching him as he made his way back to the elevator. He wasn’t sure if he was about to go get drunk or if he was about to do something insanely crazy. 

But he was sure of something. 

He couldn’t stand another minute of this hell. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves!   
> I am back again and I have to say I am quite proud of this one! Last week's chapter made me so happy with all the lovely comments from all of you guys, I swear my heart nearly exploded with the love and it was more than enough motivation for me to finish this one earlier and a bit longer than usually!   
> Special thanks to the lovely hitomebore, whoever you are your comment cheered me up during a very bad day so thank you and I am dedicating this one to you. I hope you keep enjoying this story as much as I am enjoying writing it to you guys!  
> I love you all and please comment and leave me kudos because as said before, they help A LOT! <3
> 
> TW: homophobia, drugs, mentions of suicidal thoughts.

Kurt opened his eyes slowly and heavily that morning. Something told him those three drinks Sebastian made him drink last night were more than enough, the positive side of his brain was very pleased with the news because at least they figured what his limit when it came to alcohol was. So for future references, they wouldn't risk more than three drinks. 

Sure, the reason why he probably was this tired wasn’t even related to the amount of alcohol he drank the night before. After his roommate left without an explanation, Kurt tried to stay up and wait, because really he didn’t know Blaine all that well, so he didn’t know how bad things could get. So he waited, and waited, and waited, until he fell asleep on the couch and woke up around 2am to find the apartment still very empty and somehow, shivering cold. Kurt decided to at least go to bed and try to have a good night of sleep, and in the morning, if Blaine still was MIA he would actually freak out.

Now, it was morning, he had jest left the bed and when he opened his room door, before making sure he had at least a simple outfit on, he heard someone humming in the kitchen and it was like his whole body was lit and all the weight on his shoulders for somehow being the reason why Blaine felt the need to leave the house and go do something probably dangerous to himself, left his body and he was finally, _finally_ able to breath. 

He nearly went jumping to the kitchen, as happy as ever to walk in the room and see his damn moody roomie and he kinda even missed the way Blaine rolled his eyes at everything he did or said.

If only what he found there was Blaine in his usual awful mood…

Instead of a curly haired man sitting on the kitchen stool, probably with a scruffy beard and those tired eyes, he found a blonde, very naked guy, drinking a glass of milk and eyeing the place. When Kurt came into his vision, the guy frowned and stared for a good minute before probably realizing he was very butt naked on the kitchen stool and blushed.

“Who the _hell_ are you?” The guy asked.

Kurt was now full on pissed. Any hint of good mood he had in his body that morning vanished. There was a fucking guy sitting on his kitchen, naked, covered in bruises that Blaine had probably spent a good hour leaving there, and to top everything, Kurt was slightly mad at himself for hating the last part so much. It bothered him that the guy was so damn attractive, with that damn six pack and even his bed hair was good – maybe they never went to sleep, maybe this is his sex hair, which made this whole situation even more unfair. Whose hair look good after sex?!?! Kurt shook his head. 

He took a deep breath, “Who the _fuck_ are you?” 

The guy’s eyes opened wide, and if Kurt wasn’t so pissed he would have been surprised with himself too. And maybe even proud, that did sound very New Yorker. 

“I am–“ The guy closed his eyes and scratched the back of his neck, flexing those damn perfect arms, “He never told me he had a boyfriend living with him. I swear I didn’t know.” 

Kurt actually groaned at that. The boy’s lips were kiss swollen, now closely he could see the scratches over his chest and if the way the guy winced whenever he moved on the stool was a giving, Kurt was sure he had a pretty great night. He wanted to scream, for the guy to leave, for Blaine to grow the fuck up and for this feeling in his chest vanish away, whatever that was. 

“Just shut your mouth. I am his roommate not his fucking boyfriend.”

The asshole smiled. Actually _fucking_ smiled.

“Blaine!” Kurt screamed from the top of his lungs. The guy’s eyes opened wide again and it took around five seconds for a very desperate looking Blaine to show up in the kitchen with nothing but his boxers and the most awaken expression of the century.

“Where the hell is the fire?” He said eyeing Kurt desperately. Really there was no other possible reason he would be woken up by screams other than fucking fire. 

It took Blaine another five seconds to look away from Kurt and meet the gaze of the guy sitting on the kitchen table. The guy had his lip worried in between his lips in a little smirk and expecting eyes. All Blaine could think was that whatever his name was, Brendon, Brad or even Blake, he just got Blaine in deep, deep shit. 

Blaine closed his eyes and squeezed it, almost groaning at the way Kurt was looking at him. Like he was disappointed, like he despised him, like he had just ruined everything. Like his father looked at him every fucking time he saw Blaine. 

“Kurt I am so–.”

Kurt gave him an incredulous look and pointed at the guy, “Get him the fuck out of the apartment! What the fuck were you thinking? He is naked Blaine, fucking boundaries!”

Before Blaine could even process what Kurt just had screamed at him, the Brad, Brendon or Blake just stood there, dick out and everything and laughed at Kurt, “Please, Blaine won’t kick me out. We have plans for the whole day. Sorry if...” he gestured to his private, and very exposed parts, “This, was too much I guess. I wanted to surprise him, not to bother you.” 

As if things couldn’t get any worse. Blaine saw something in that moment he never thought he would see, but he saw Kurt fucking mad. His usually smooth pale neck looked burning red and he was pretty sure Kurt was about to strangle the guy, whatever his name was. 

“I don’t think you understood when I said, but you are leaving. Right now. No actually, I will let you go inside, grab your fucking clothes, dress up and leave just so you don’t feel embarrassed when people stare at your naked butt and that petit thing you call your dick. By the way, in case you don't know, petit is French for small. I don’t care if Blaine here promised to fuck you even seven ways to Sunday, you are leaving my damn house. Right. Now.” 

Blaine’s body shivered and he couldn’t believe he was even slightly turned on by angry Kurt, not in this moment. He wanted to curse himself for even bringing the guy home in the first place, and now, as he gave Kurt’s speech a humorless laugh and stared at Blaine as if he expected him to ask him to stay? Blaine was in such deep shit.

“Get out, okay?” He told the guy.

The guy stared at Blaine frowning now, and made an incredulous sound, “Really babe? Are you kicking me out because this…” He looked up and down at Kurt and laughed, “whatever this is, said so?” 

Blaine didn’t expect his blood to boil like it did at the way the guy looked at Kurt. Like he wasn’t a human being, like he wasn’t standing right there. He couldn’t stand the fact that Kurt didn’t even reacted because something told him that this was something he was already used to. Like he was used to being looked at as if he was a disappointed. And now he couldn’t believe he managed to fuck everything he had with the only person who looked at him like he was so much more. 

“Did I stutter? Get the fuck out dude, go grab your clothes and get out of my damn house.” Blaine screamed this time. 

The guy laughed humorlessly, “And here I thought we had a good time.”

“I don’t even remember you goddamn name. Go grab your clothes and get the hell out of my house.” 

They both watched as the guy made the walk of shame to Blaine’s room, quickly dressing into what Kurt called in his mind, and offensive outfit, and left, not before winking at Blaine. What little self respect that one had, Kurt thought.  

The silence between them and the tension was probably suffocating. Blaine wanted to apologize, but than again, why? Because he had slept with an asshole? For the way the guy treated Kurt? Hell, for the way he had been treating Kurt since he arrived? He wasn’t sure, but knew nothing would actually matter. He knew it because it was there, all over those deep blue eyes, that were looking at him with a huge frown and for the first time, they weren’t looking for something to hope for, they were looking for answers and reasons to just give up on this, on Blaine. And that was worst than every stare his father had ever thrown at his way. 

“I am sor–“

“Do you have any idea how worried I was last night? When you simply were gone? Do you even realize how fucked up it is that I was here, even after you treat me like shit for the whole time I’ve been here, even after we made a deal, and you just disappeared, I could barely sleep worried about you getting yourself into trouble after you stormed outside and apparently went to screw some Justin Bieber wanna be? Blaine…” Kurt said in one breath, and Blaine’s head was pounding at every word, just not as loud as his heart that was practically racing on his chest. “I can’t live like this.” 

“What?” 

Kurt took a deep breath, “I know you don’t like me. I don’t know why you don’t and why you keep finding ways to make this living arrangement a nightmare for me and I don’t even know what I did to you and I am not gonna apologize for things I don’t know the answer. Even if for some twisted reason you expect me to. But I will tell you this, even if you don’t want to listen,” Kurt took another deep breath, “You think I take this bullshit you keep throwing at me because I am trying to survive in this city, but the truth is, I am able to deal with you because I’ve been through so much worse. I’ve gone through a living hell and I know you don’t give a single fuck about it, because I am pretty sure you never had to deal with any of that. Maybe you had someone calling you a fag once, but you know the look your friend gave me? Like I was nothing, not a human? Like I don’t have feelings, like I don’t get hurt by people actions? I’ve dealt with that my whole life. And if you think what you have been doing to me is torture, this is like level one of a game I already finished at least a hundred times. My life in Lima was shit and this is supposed to by fresh start. This is my chance of happiness after a long, long time in the shadows. And not you, not your fuck buddies, not your bad attitude or whatever else you have planned to fuck with me, will ruin this to me. I am not a kid anymore and I get to decide my life. And I am leaving.” 

Blaine’s face was a mix of surprise and desperation, he was still processing the word and he was trying to understand them but he couldn’t. They all sounded like a buzz that was making his chest hurt and he felt like he was either about to throw up or pass out and at the same time he wanted to cry and take a sip of alcohol and beg for Kurt not to leave. Not now. Not ever. But he could just stare. 

“I don’t know why I thought this was going to work in the first place, and Nick will probably hate me now but, I can’t I just can’t.” He said, more to himself than to Blaine, “I can’t be here right now, I need to think.”  

Blaine stood there. Watching Kurt open the door and slam it slightly stronger than he usually would. He didn’t know why it felt like a movie scene, like he was currently watching his own life from an audience and there was some sad song playing in the background as he watched Kurt go, maybe for a while, maybe for good. It felt in his chest like he had just lost all the hope he already thought he had lost. Watching Kurt leave was like hearing it was like hearing every goodbye ever said to him, all at once. 

He wasn’t sure how long he stared at the white doorframe and considered going after him. Apologizing and looking for the hope in the blue eyes. But all he could do was stare at the damn door and accept that he had it coming. That he deserved this awful bitter taste in his mouth, the disgusting looks and the disappointment label. And that he would never deserve someone as good as Kurt, not to leave of him, not to be in his life, not even to breath the same air as he did. 

* * *

Once outside the building, Kurt had to take everything he had inside him not to burst into tears right then and there, in front of thousands of New Yorkers and completely embarrass himself in public. And the funniest part was, he couldn’t even cry and let himself feel all those emotion at his own house because, as it seemed, he was very homeless right now. 

So he walked. He walked all over those beautiful streets, and thought about all the people who ever stepped on them and had that very same feeling that he had all over his chest. He was mad, but that wasn’t even it, he was upset, and lost and he felt so lonely. So so so lonely. And it was pathetic because not only 24h ago he felt like he had just found his place, like he belonged somewhere, as if for the first time in his life he was in the right track and that things were about to became really, really amazing. Because he deserved that. 

Now he felt nothing but pathetic. Pathetic for believing that things would work out, that maybe, just maybe, after all the crap he dealt with and all the nights he cried himself to sleep and all the times he thought about just ending this, life, everything, after all of that, that he would be able to have the fresh start he longed for. 

He sighed, sitting on a bench he found a couple of blocks away. The need of crying was long gone now. Somewhere between the years of being bullied and struggling with all types of humiliation, he had grown a pretty thick skin while still being able to keep his head hight and see the bright side of the things he faced. But being a positive person in this second was nearly impossible. 

Unfortunately, feeling sorry for himself wouldn’t help with anything. Sitting around and crying or just wondering why and blaming Blaine for ruining everything wouldn’t make things better, it wouldn’t solve this whole thing, and it definitely wouldn’t help him find a solution. 

He thought about calling his new best friend, Sebastian sure would know what to say and he would insult Blaine and as childish as it seemed, Kurt needed someone to hate on Blaine a little bit right now since apparently he didn’t had it in him to even slightly dislike the asshole. 

Truth was, he didn’t hate Blaine for all of this. In fact if he had to put his thoughts on Blaine in one word it would be petty. It’s horrible to say this but Kurt actually felt sorry for Blaine. The guy was clearly fucked up in so many ways, not even mentioning the booze problem.

But calling Bas would only end up in a long discussion of moving to his building and what would be Kurt’s excuse not to? Everything about the idea of living closer to Sebastian and away from this mess sounded perfect. But his damn good self couldn’t just walk away from this situation. He was already involved with it and it wasn’t in him to give up on people, even if he never promised anything, he knew that just by being there he was somehow helping Blaine, for whatever reason Nick projected all the hope Blaine had left into Kurt, and even if clearly the man didn’t want anything to do with him, by leaving it would almost feel like breaking a promise he never even agreed with. He couldn’t give up on Blaine, even if clearly the man had already gave up on himself a long time ago.

People might even judge him as stupid for sticking around and dealing with Blaine’s shit but something inside him told him Blaine was more misunderstood than anything else. And from where he came from he wasn’t being stupid, he was being a good person. Like many weren't to him when he needed. He knew what it was like not have a single hope to live and if somehow, for some reason, he was it for Blaine, even if he didn’t know it yet, Kurt would be there. 

He sighed, sometimes it sucked to be the good. 

Kurt thumbed through his contact list and he thought about calling Mercedes, his back home best friend whom he missed very much and didn’t have the chance to even message her every since he arrived to the city of lights.

After he landed hard on voicemail he felt the urge to cry yet again. He felt alone and with no one to talk to and he just wanted this whole thing to make sense. Someone to tell him that things would be good soon and that sometimes things weren’t suppose to be the way he wanted them to be just to teach him a lesson. Even if sometimes the lesson wasn’t as clear as he wished it to be.

He was lost on his thoughts when his phone started to buzz on his hand. For a minute he thought it was Cedes already calling back but when his dad’s picture showed on his screen he felt the need to either smile brightly or run until his legs gave in. ”Hi dad,” He said, calmly. 

Burt laughed, “If it isn’t my son who clearly forgot he had a father!” 

Kurt chuckled, “I am sorry, a lot is happening and I am trying to, you know, keep up with everything without losing it.”

“How is the city treating you?” 

The boy sighed, “Differently than I imagined but good none the less…just different.” 

Burt hummed on the other side of the line and Kurt could almost see the suspicious look on his dad’s face, “What is going on? How is the apartment going and the roommate and the new friends and hell excited for college?” 

“Yes! Of course. I can’t wait until it starts. Hunn, the apartment is good, the roommate not so much but the friends are just amazing.”

“What is up with the roomie, Kurt?” 

Kurt sighed, “He is complicated.” He almost laughed at his own sentence. Complicated, what an understatement. 

“How so kiddo?” 

He couldn’t hide this from his dad not even if he tried really, really hard, so he just decided to get it over with, “He is overall a very rude person and for some reason he doesn’t like me. But I don’t want you to worry I am trying to manage this thing on my own and even if it is hard it is just something I will learn how to deal with.” 

Burt was the one who sighed this time, “Listen son, I know sometimes it is frustrating when things don’t go exactly as we imagined and planned but, it is kinda of the big deal of adult life. You can’t always get what you want, and it is unfair but it is the great thing about life. I don’t know who the hell this kid is and how he dares to dislike you, but even if sometimes those things happen in adult life, no one, under no circumstances, would judge you for leaving this… _challenge_ and deciding to find an easier, less complicated place to live.” 

Kurt smiled, he really needed to hear that, “I know dad. And thank you. I just, it’s not even about not wanting to give up just because the first bump in the road showed up, but you know me, I try to see the best in people even when they don’t deserve it. And even if it may be part of adult life to leave those good expectations over things and just conforming myself that the world is in fact very cruel, I don’t want to lose my hope nor my faith in people just yet. I am not giving him another chance to be friends because that already turned out to be bad, but I am not losing hope over the fact that this is not the end of the world and things really can’t get worse than that.”

Burt smiled at that, Kurt knew he did. He always admired him for being able to see the best side of every situation and for being such a kind heart, specially after everything he had been through. Really it was such a relief and it proved how strong Kurt was because didn’t let what happened to him affect the best he had in him. 

“I am proud of you for that son, and you know that I love you right? And that I am the luckiest dad in the world for having you as my son.”

Kurt smiled brightly at this, “I love you too dad! Thank you for this.” 

They said their goodbyes and Kurt could already feel himself feeling much better. He was about to call Bas just to see if he wanted to go grab coffee or something, since even if he was calmer, Kurt still wasn’t ready to face Blaine and whatever was going on at the apartment. But he smiled even bigger when Mercedes called him back and allowed him to just ramble about everything and anything. Later on he would worry if this decision about staying was a bad or a good one, but for now, he would enjoy the fact that at least he didn’t have to deal with this by himself. 

* * *

Back in the apartment, things weren’t so good. As soon as Kurt left, and Blaine was done staring at the doorframe, he decided to just go back to sleep or at least try to. 

But he found a surprise when he came back to his room, not a good one unfortunately, but than again, it wasn’t like anything good happened to him now a days. He grabbed his phone from the charger and found a very unpleasant missed call from his father. Instantly, if his day couldn’t get any worse, it went from a big mess to a huge one. 

It was the first time his father called him since what happened at Christmas. A part of Blaine hoped he was calling because he regretted his words and didn’t quite know how to apologize, but the truth was, he had no time for Blaine. Or to deal with the _gay thing_ , as he so nicely tended to put. So the reason behind the phone call must be a serious one. Maybe something was wrong with his mother, and that thought made Blaine nearly freak out even if the woman who raised and swore to always love him regardless everything had completely cut him off after he came out and never even bothered to contact him after what happened at Christmas. He felt dumb about feeling worried about his mother and ever tense over the phone call when he should be as indifferent about his parents as they were to him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that they hated him for something that he couldn’t scape. He would spend the rest of his life longing for a love his parents may have felt for him at some point but now it was just a distant memory. As if it never existed. 

Maybe, just maybe, he called to apologize. God, Blaine felt pathetic over the fact that he almost smiled at the thought of hearing his dad saying sorry, hearing his voice mumbling an apology that Blaine would accept in a heartbeat because he knew that it was what he needed to make everything better and easier in his life again. He knew that he just needed his dad to tell him he loved him and that he was proud of him and that he did want him in his life, he just needed his dad and his mom and if he had them he would be okay. He wouldn’t feel like dying or that the hole in his chest was getting deeper everyday, or even the need of just drown in alcohol every single day. 

He took a few deep breaths before shakily calling his father back. Part of him prayed for the call to go straight to voicemail, but when he heard the voice that said the unforgiving words that would hunt him for the rest of his life, he felt as if all the air in his chest was gone and suddenly he couldn’t breath, or blink, or move. 

“Blaine?” His father asked.

He swallowed dry, “Hi.” 

“You couldn’t even manage to answer my call when I first called, could you?” The man laughed, “I don’t have time right now so I will make it quick. In a few weeks I will be in the city and I’d like to see you.” 

Blaine was shaking, “S-see me-e?” 

“Yes, Blaine. I have important things to discuss with you oh, and in case you are able to contact your brother, as apparently he has been ignoring my calls, tell him I need to speak with him immediately.”

Blaine frowned. It had been quite a while since he last heard from Cooper. He was busy trying to make it big in LA and Blaine respected his brother and his dream but sometimes, as ironical as it was for the man who hated feelings to say this, but he just wanted a little love from his brother, since he had no from his family. But in the end of the day Cooper wasn’t that different from his parents, the only difference was that Cooper was too busy but deep down he loved him. 

“Will do, sir.” He said without even thinking. 

His father hummed, “Are you still in the…gay phase?” 

He could feel his eyes burning as he throat went completely dry. He wouldn’t allow himself to cry. Not over this, not again. He was out and proud and it didn’t matter if his father thought he was a waste of space or if he hated him for being who he was or if his sexuality made him a disgrace to his family. Blaine was long done feeling sorry for being who he was. He had a life and he was not ashamed of any of it. 

“Yes, sir.” He nearly whispered. 

He heard his father sighing at the other end of the line as he ended the call. Not a goodbye, not a see you soon. Blaine listened at the dead line for a good minute, before falling on the floor and crying for what it felt like hours. 

For a minute there, after his sobs quieted and he could breath normally again, he thought what he would ever say to his father if he ever got over the expectation that someday he would win his love back. The fact was, he was sorry his dad couldn’t accept him for who he was, and he was even more sorry that he thought Blaine was this way by choice, just to be rebel and to mess with him. And the truth was, he could blame a lot of things for his dad’s close-minded ignorance, and he had used it as an excuse to all those nights he stayed up late trying to find an answer to this—his upbringing, the generation he belonged to, conservative talk radio—but ultimately that would be unfair to all the fathers out there who grew up in the same political climate as he did and yet _don’t_ so callously discriminate against their own flesh and blood. Nick’s father for instance, sure he did had his own problems but he loved Nick so much. Jeff’s mom was planning their wedding every since they started dating at sophomore year. And meanwhile, here was Blaine, no parents, no one to love, not even hope for a better day. 

He had his knees close to his chest as he tried to think of something other than drowning himself in a huge, delicious bottle of Vodka. He didn’t even had the energy to go buy one so it wasn’t like wanting it would make a difference. If it was any other time of his life he would drink a little too much and maybe get a little too drunk. And he would come back home to a cold bed and think that everything was fine. Because for as long as he could remember, that was what alcohol did to him, it made everything just fine. And that was what his life was, a long line of fine. 

And then it wasn’t, then there was his friends telling him about his problem, and him still trying to get used to the idea of the fact that he indeed had a problem. And then there was Kurt, and blue hopeful eyes everywhere he looked making his long line of fine seem like something blurred and at some perspective, as something that could become something better.

But now he didn’t anymore. Kurt was gone and for good. He should just get his ass out of the floor and do what he was good at. Getting drunk and trying to forget. Because he needed to forget. The look on his father’s face, his last words on Christmas, his last words now. 

He was half way out of the bedroom when he remembered that while he didn’t had any alcohol, he did have something he could use to forget. And he wasn’t even talking about his little black book. 

Blaine quickly went to the last drawer of his wardrobe and found a little cigarette box that wasn’t quite filled with regular cigarettes. He found there the last joint of his stash and he actually smiled, something he felt like he wouldn’t be able to do ever again. 

He dragged himself to the living room so he could at least open the window and relax as he let the smoke fill his lungs and his body relax at every drag he would take. Slowly but surely he felt the tension leave his body and his mind drift to a much calmer space where he could just be. He felt his eyes heavy and he couldn’t believe he didn’t think of this as before, or how he forgot how good it felt to just get high. 

He let his eyes drift close as he kept slowly savoring every drag of the joint and in that moment nothing mattered, not the sharp disappointed tone of his father, not the indifference from his mother, not the lack of time from Cooper, not the desperate looks from his band mates and best friends, not the hopeful blue eyes that would never look at him like that again. Right now all he cared about was finishing the joint and letting himself be. 

* * *

A few moments later, Blaine was still sitting on the couch, the nearly finished joint in between his fingers, and his now much more relaxed body and mind silently enjoying the peace of his home. 

He didn’t even bring his attention to the opening door and the fact that he seemed to be lost in time, in his own little world. He was just there, enjoying the bliss and smiling at nothing at all. It felt amazing. 

“Is that pot?” 

He carefully opened his eyes to only find Kurt standing right in front of him, a few steps away but still so much closer than he expected him to be after what happened earlier. 

“You came back.” 

Kurt nodded, “I have this awful tendency of seeing the bright side of things and I try to stay hopeful of what I want even when things don’t work out as I planned.” 

Blaine stared at him for a while, eyes heavy and a sad smile on his face as he absorbed the words the taller man said to him, “I wish I was like that. You know, hopeful.” 

“I know you can be.” Kurt said, and even high Blaine could feel a certain in his tone that he was so unfamiliar with…and it felt so good to hear that. 

He sighed, “Kurt…I am so sorry.” 

“I know, that is why I came back.” He sat down on the floor in front of Blaine and watched as the messy haired boy tried to keep his eyes opened. “I wish I could understand you and the things you do and why you do them, but I don’t and I know I probably never will since you probably don’t want to be friends.” 

 _I want that more than anything_ , Blaine thought. 

“But I hope that at least I can trust you not to do what you did today ever again, or to be mean with me for no reason, or to not break the deals we make in order to be peaceful, respectful people. Because Blaine, when you are rude to me when I did nothing to you, you are no better than the people like that guy from earlier who treated me as if I am not a human being.” 

Blaine’s brows frowned as if he had an epiphany and Kurt could read regret all over the hazel, now lazy, eyes. “I swear I would never. You are–“

 _Amazing, perfect, impeccable, my hope,_ he thought again. Or at least his high self thought. 

“I accept your apology and I am not leaving, but you have to promise me that you will be better.” 

Blaine nodded immediately, “I promise.” 

Kurt smiled, “Good. Now, care to tell me why are you high right now?” He chuckled and Blaine’s stomach made little flips and he nearly cried at how good it was to have Kurt smiling at him like that. 

“I had no alcohol and my dad called.” 

Kurt seemed to think about every word before even daring to ask something. He knew that if he went to the father topic it would be just a huge fat no from Blaine, and since in this second it felt as if they were making progress, he opted to ask about the alcohol, since that was a bit of a safer territory. 

“What is it with you and drinking? I mean I tried it last night for the first time ever, yes you can laugh,” He said smiling and Blaine did too, “And really, it was no big deal. Fun maybe but nothing extraordinary. Pretty overrated if you asked me.”

Blaine seemed to put a lot of thought in his answer, he could give a half an hour speech about everything he loved about alcohol, but that was nearly impossible to do without mentioning all the reasons why he drank. So he just stared at the blue eyes for a good second before simply answering, “When I drink my demons scream louder, but at least I don’t remember what they say.”

Kurt’s eyes changed right in front of him, from a soft stare to an almost petty look. And there was nothing about that that Blaine didn’t hate. 

“I don’t anymore though, even if I crave for it pretty much all the time.” He said right after, trying to do anything he could for those eyes to stop looking at him like that, “Nick thinks I have a problem but I am not so sure about that, I just…am a intense person, hence the intense drinking. But then again I do everything intensely.”

Kurt nodded slowly, “Like singing.” 

Blaine stared at him for a second and Kurt could’ve swore he blushed. 

“I mean it is no surprised I was mesmerized by your talent, I am pretty sure I gave you a whole speech about that last night at the elevator.” 

Blaine smiled, “Yeah, you did. I am glad you liked that.” 

They fell into a silence right after that. It wasn’t uncomfortable but Blaine instantly missed the sound of Kurt’s laugh. Maybe it was the fact that he was high but everything felt as if it was happening in a slow pace and he wasn’t sure if they were like that for a few minutes or a few hours, but he knew for a fact that it felt nice to have Kurt there. Closer, looking at him with the same hopeful gaze Blaine almost felt like he had lost forever. 

“Blaine?” 

“Hmm?”

Kurt laughed, “You didn’t heard a word of what I just said, right?” 

Blaine chuckled, “Sorry, I am quite high right now.” 

Kurt nodded, “I said I believe in you, and I know you will get there, you know hun about the alcohol thing. I honestly believe you will get over this and be able to be…I don’t know, sober? Happier? Whatever you want to be, I know you will.” 

Blaine wanted to either shoving his face on Kurt's neck or cry like a baby so Kurt could comfort him, but both of those things would be incredibly weird since they were just getting there as friends, let alone friends who trusted each other to comfort one another, since he didn’t even have that with Nick. 

It was as if the words Kurt said to him had just meant everything he needed and even more. It felt like for the first time in his life, someone was actually asking him to try and not only that, believing that he actually could make through it. And that was a billion times better than any alcohol in his system. 

Before Kurt went to his room, Blaine managed to say ‘thank you’ as he fell asleep right there in the couch. And despise everything that happened that day, with his father, with the previous fight with Kurt, he at least knew that he still had someone who believed in him even if, right in this moment, he didn’t quite believe in himself. And that was enough for now. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves! Just another update! This one is pretty dramatic if you will...I hope you like it, and leave me comments and kudos and love! Next week I will come back with two surprises and I hope you are all ready for that!  
> Love you all, hope you like it, don't forget to leave me comments filled with love because they help me a lot! xx
> 
> tw: depression

Blaine felt his eyes slowly but surely opening, his face instantly being hit by a sort of grayish sky that he was clearly able to see since he was in the living room where he, apparently slept the whole night. It was about time he managed to sleep a whole night without having nightmares of any sort. 

And if the sound his stomach made when he smelled what seemed to be blueberry pancakes was a sign, he knew it would be a good day. It was the first time in forever that he had woken up feeling something, even if now he was mainly hungry, he could say that somewhat, he was happy to be waking up to such a pleasant smell. And happiness in general wasn’t something Blaine was used with right now so, even if it was at something as silly as blueberry pancakes, he was genuinely happy to be alive right now. 

He dragged himself to the kitchen in a very slow, sleepy pace, calmly eyeing a very focused Kurt, humming as he seemed to flip a perfect pancake. Blaine curiously eyed the kitchen table to see it actually filled with beautiful fruits and fresh coffee and things that he couldn’t even name like an expensive cereal and some weird cheeses. He couldn’t help but let a soft smile play in the corners of his lips as he watched his roommate, completely unaware of his presence, smiling and humming and slightly shaking his hips as he cooked pancakes in the Sunday morning. Kurt had his usually perfect coiffed hair, kinda messy, if you could even call it that, because really compared to Blaine’s everyday hair style it was beyond styled and perfectly tamed. Instead of an elaborated outfit he was wearing a simple silk pajama pants, and a part of Blaine hated himself for actually wondering how the silk material would feel against that milky creamy skin, and a plain gray shirt. 

Blaine allowed the smirk to play with the corners of his lips for a few seconds, trying to make his brain go back to what happened on the day before, since the fight to the being high part. Of course, as soon as his head brought him back to the reason why he was getting high in the very first time, that little hint of any sort of happiness vanished his body and he felt empty and very much needing a drink or a cigarette or even a joint. 

But when Kurt slowly turned around, now holding a plate filled with delicious looking pancakes and opened his eyes widely as he noticed Blaine and then, instantly opened a big toothy smile that made Blaine’s stomach do little flips of joy and contentment, he could actually wrap his mind around the other part of his previous day. The part in which him and Kurt agreed, this time for real, to be tolerable and respectful, and how Kurt told him he believed in him and how he actually meant that. 

Blaine found himself this close to smiling back at the boy who held that hopeful gaze at him, but then he looked at the delicious pancakes, and the table filled with breakfast, and all he could think of was how much he didn’t deserve Kurt. And this was not even about all the work he had putting up this whole table for he and Blaine to have maybe a great new beginning as roommates and friends. This was about knowing how awful he was, because that disappointed tone in his father’s voice was there for a reason, a very good one, and how that hopeful gaze he loved, yes actually loved, gave him everything he needed but nothing he deserved. So he just managed to look down and focus on the kitchen floor.

Kurt cleaned his throat, “Well, good morning to you mister! I was actually kinda worried, you slept a lot but I figured you deserved a good rest since it’s Sunday and maybe it was some sort of after weed effect, I don’t know.” He chuckled.

Blaine gave him a little laugh, trying to remember that they were in fact friends now so it was okay to laugh with him and be friendly, “Yeah, it makes me sleepy and pretty hungry too, to be honest.” 

Kurt smiled even wider now, “Great! I hope you don’t mind but I woke up feeling a little inspired and decided to go out and just well…” He looked at the table filled with everything, “buy every breakfast food I could find. And before you tell me I went a little overboard, in my defense I had no clue what you liked so I had to bring all the possible options.” 

Blaine gave him a little shy smile and a little shrug, “Just cereal would be fine. And coffee.” 

“Really? Because something tells me you would love my pancakes.” 

Blaine wanted to groan because his stupid mind wanted to make even that sound sexual. He just gave a little nod instead and sat on the table, still eyeing everything but the beautiful boy in front of him. Desperately trying to make his brain stop with this ridiculous game in which everything Kurt did or said turned into the sexiest thing on Earth and that made Blaine feel things he wasn’t allowed to have. 

“I mean, yeah of course. Thank you.” 

Kurt watched him carefully, not really knowing if he was okay by the weird way he was acting or if he just was still in the waking up process, but decided to put that aside and try to focus on the fact that he had an amazing breakfast to eat and now he and Blaine were friends so they were allowed to have an amicable conversation easily.  

At this point, Blaine wasn’t even sure why he is so tense and uneasy. He didn’t even know if it was because he never had anyone taking care of him like that, if that even was that, but he did feel like he was being pampered and he absolutely adored this feeling. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was just not used to good things in general, or if he was just literally freaking out about how much he adored being taken care and feeling all those emotions and if all of that wasn’t enough, having Kurt there with him doing all those things and making him feel all of those emotions. 

Kurt was sitting so close to him and even when the man casually walked away to grab more milk, Blaine felt his heart physically aching by the distance. Having him this close felt so damn amazing, he felt protected somehow. As if he could trust those hopeful blue pools and nothing bad would ever hurt him ever again. 

The silence between them could easily be considered awkward but it didn’t felt like that at all. Kurt was too busy devouring all the amazing food he did and couldn’t care less about the amount of carbs he was eating right now. He would eye Blaine every minute or so just to make sure the messy haired man was eating and maybe looking for any hint of sadness. Of course, due the fact that they were actually in tolerable place right now, Kurt wouldn’t dare to mention what happen in the night before, about Blaine’s dad phone call. But he couldn’t help but worry. There was something telling him that Blaine had a lot of good things inside of him and he just needed a little push. And he was going to be this little push.

“It’s storming outside.” Kurt calmly said, “I just hope it doesn’t tomorrow, I’d hate to go to my first day of college with a storm.” 

Blaine didn’t leave his eyes from the plate and the table but Kurt knew he was listening and paying attention. 

“Are you excited?” He simply asked.

“Beyond excited! I waited for this my whole life and now I get to meet new people and study something I enjoy, and be in this city. Everything is just too damn good.” 

Blaine smiled, “Good.” Kurt snorted. Actually snorted, and it was the cutest sound. Blaine’s heart seemed to melt at it but he just eyed the man curiously, “What?”

“Nothing,” Kurt said shaking his head, “I was just thinking and you sure are more talkative when you are high.”

That little comment made Blaine actually blush, and Kurt sure did noticed coming somehow even closer and doing a little _aw_ sound that made Blaine nearly cry. He felt the urge to curl into Kurt and just be there and feel protected and adored and feel this comfortable, because this was how he felt right now, comfortable. But instead, he forced his body a little far away from him because, even if he did feel all of those things, they all were too much. 

“Hey no,” Kurt protested, “I was just kidding, I will stop, sorry.” Blaine gave him a little nod, “So, how do you like the pancakes?” 

The corners of Blaine’s mouth did a little twitch as he eyed his roomie, “They are fucking phenomenal.”

Kurt laughed, “Oh, I know. I am good. Trust me it’s hard to keep myself in shape knowing I can cook delicious things like that.”

Blaine gave him a little eye roll, “Please, your body is perfect.” He let it slip.

There was a little tense moment there in which Kurt blushed and Blaine nearly slapped himself across the face, but Kurt just thanked him and moved on to the next subject, not allowing anything to ruin their breakfast, fresh start and this good mood. 

“So, since it’s raining, I was thinking we could–” 

Before Kurt could even finish his sentence and Blaine could agree with it, because really he would accept anything to be closer with his roommate, Kurt’s phone started to ring and he excused himself and accepted the call. 

Blaine’s eyes nearly rolled as Kurt happily started a conversation with Sebastian. Because apparently they were best friends and just by living with Kurt he would have to see that damn face more often.

But really, he couldn’t blame Sebastian or anyone who was just obsessed with Kurt because really, he was insanely incredible. He was witty and funny and adorable and smart and kind and hell just perfect. He had something more, something worth so much more. And now, as he watched the man relaxed in the chair, playing with the food on his plate as he laughed a bit about whatever Sebastian was telling him, he knew exactly why everyone just had to fall in love with him as soon as they met him. 

“Wait Bas, I will ask Blaine,” Kurt said bringing him back to reality, “Hey, Santana is inviting us all to her house to a movie afternoon.” 

Blaine this time actually rolled his eyes, “Yes, they do it every rainy Sunday.” 

“Oh!” Kurt smiled brightly at him, “So we are going?” 

Blaine shrugged. He didn’t feel like being with anyone but Kurt and, call him selfish, he was liking to have this whole attention to him. And he just wanted some closeness and by being with the rest of their squad, he knew it wouldn’t happen at all. 

“We will be there Bas!” He said hanging up the phone. 

Blaine was looking at him as Kurt smiled brightly and he had to just smile a bit too.

“I am so excited.” 

Blaine gave him a little humorless laugh, “It’s not that cool, Santana always starts with this whole monologue in Spanish that it’s her house so her rules, hence her always picking the damn movie. No _mi casa, su casa_.” 

Kurt laughed, “I really don’t care about the movie, I love spending time with you guys so I am just glad to be able to spend more time with them and get to know them.” 

Blaine nodded, “They are great people, just don’t talk about anything sexual with Wes.” 

“Oh,don't worry,” Kurt laughed as he quietly stood up and walked in the direction of the rooms, “There won’t be any sexual talk from me, I am a virgin, remember?” 

And he _fucking_ winked. 

Blaine actually laughed at this little tease and he couldn’t believe how pathetically he had treated Kurt previously. Sure this whole virgin discussion was something he still wanted to know more about, but for now he just felt like apologizing over and over again about everything he did to the boy. 

Instead of doing that, since Kurt was too busy probably getting ready to go to the movie thing with their friends, Blaine finished his breakfast and went to get ready himself. At least he would try to stay positive during this day and enjoy a rainy Sunday with his friends. 

* * *

As soon as they entered Santana’s apartment, they found the room filled with laughs and all of their friends were already there talking loudly and being silly. When they noticed them walking in, Quinn and Sebastian made their way to Kurt to ask something about scarves they were discussing for the last 10 minutes and Blaine found himself quietly in the corner while everyone seemed to be busy with their things. 

Nick and Jeff for instance had claimed the chair and were pretty much making out and Blaine was pretty sure this would be going on the whole damn movie. Wes was telling David about his last sexual date and how well it had been and Santana was just walking in the living room, trying to hold as many beers as she possibly could and screaming something in Spanish. 

When Kurt noticed her, and all the beers she was caring, he instantly turned to look at Blaine and he found the man all tense and with that glassy look on his eyes. 

Blaine sighed, this would be pure torture. Truth was, it was kinda weird how this whole alcoholism thing worked. Per see, unless he was feeling down, or somewhere filled with temptations, he wouldn’t feel the need of a drink, for example this whole morning, he was feeling pretty good, he had an awesome breakfast and he was actually happy to spend this time with Kurt, to get to know Kurt better, even due the circumstances from the previous day with his father’s phone call and all, he wasn’t feeling bad or in need of a drink. 

But then they had to accept this invitation, and Blaine had completely forgot how this movie evenings always came with alcohol and how whenever they did those movie things he would drink five or more beers and just lay there, feeling numb, pretending to watch whatever movie and later fall asleep drunk and heavy on the floor.    

And now everything was different. Now he would sit there, try to focus on the movie as all of his friends enjoyed a beer and talked like normal people. Because they were allowed to have a nice beer and feel normal because they didn’t have an addiction or something that was killing them like the alcohol was slowly killing Blaine.

He found a pair of blue eyes staring at him and felt a shiver running down his spine at those petty eyes staring at him, looking for any hint of weakness, searching for anything wrong. Blaine just ignored it, trying to act as normal as possible as he joined the group that was already claiming their sits on the movie area.

“Blaine!” Jeff said with his lips all swollen from kissing, “You came! I missed you.” 

“We saw each other two days ago, Jeff.” Blaine said smiling.

Jeff gave him an incredulous look, “And? That is two whole days ago!”

“Don’t worry babe, you know B misses you too.” Nick said eyeing Blaine. He noticed he looked better, specially in the room filled with alcohol. So he decided he would allow himself to relax and enjoy a movie afternoon with his friends.

“Of course I do Jeff.” Blaine said smiling at the couple and making his way to sit on the couch. 

“Don’t even!” Quinn said, as she jumped in front of him and made herself comfortable between David and Wes. 

Blaine frowned, “What the fuck Q?” 

The blonde shrugged, “You have been all weird and it has been forever since you were sweet to me so you don’t deserve the couch.” 

He rolled his eyes already knowing that he would end up sitting on the floor along with Kurt and Sebastian, which he didn’t mind that much. Sure, he didn’t like Sebastian but he would be closer with Kurt this way, and that was something he could use right now. 

Even if Kurt gave him that stare earlier that he just, he hated it so much, he couldn’t deny that being close to the boy right now, in a situation in which they had drinks everywhere, made him feel a little better. So he just joined them on the floor and smiled at little at the head nod Sebastian gave him and at the toothy smile Kurt, thank God, adorably gave him. 

“What are we watching anyways?” Kurt asked, looking back at the couch in which David and Wes were now sitting in the middle and Santana and Quinn sat on the ends, both of the girls with their legs on top of the guys and pretty much laid across the couch comfortably. 

Santana shrugged sipping her beer, “You are the new addition to the group, you should choose.”

“I am new too!” Sebastian protested.

Santana laughed, “No one wants to watch kinky gay porn.” 

At that, Jeff actually brought his attention back to the group and stopped kissing Nick's mouth for a second, making everyone laugh as the blonde guy immediately rolled his eyes and went back to kissing his boyfriend. 

“I don’t know what to choose, though!” Kurt said, “What kinda movies you guys usually go for during lazy Sundays afternoons?” 

Quinn shrugged, “Depends, somedays we go with action movies, that happens whenever Nick or Jeff get to choose it because those movies tend to make a lot of explosion noises and they think this way we don’t hear them moaning.”

“Which we do.” Santana pointed out. 

Blaine nodded, “Yes we do.” 

“But, whenever Wes chooses it, involves blonde girls with big breasts and later on we always fight.” 

“We do.” Wes said, winking at Quinn. 

The whole group nodded and said in union, “They do!” 

“But I don’t mind those movies,” Santana said, making them laugh.

“Whenever David picks the movie no one understands half of it, and later on we get to listen as he attempts to explain it to us.” 

“Lucy was brilliant!” David said in protest. 

“Dude, I actually had to google what the whole thing meant because no one was understanding shit you were saying! Even I couldn't enjoy Scarlett Johansson's hot ass in that shit.” Wes said, eyeing his best friend seriously. 

David just shrugged, “Whatever.” 

“What about Blaine?” 

Santana snorted, “What about Blaine?” 

Quinn seemed to think about it but just shrugged, “I think he never choose the movie.” 

“What? Why not?” Kurt said, eyeing the man next to him who seemed to be very disinterested in this whole movie discussion.

“That’s because they are yet to make a movie about an alcoholic with daddy issues,” Santana said laughing by herself as the whole group went tense and uncomfortable, Jeff and Nick now fully paying attention, Nick giving her his death glare, Jeff along with the boys eyeing Blaine in some sort of worried way. 

Kurt almost reached to grab Blaine’s hand since he was sitting right next to him, but before he could even react to the words the Latina said, Blaine was already standing up and storming to the kitchen, or what Kurt thought it was the kitchen since it was from where Santana had came from with the beers. 

The whole room was tense, everyone not sure if they should talk about this and make it an even bigger deal which would ruin the afternoon plans, but they were at the same time all pissed at Santana for the tasteless and awful joke. The silence remained as they silently debated what to do. 

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Blaine had done nothing but find a corner to sit and pretty much pull his hair until something made sense to him. He felt like crying but he couldn’t allow himself to do such thing when his friends where right there in the next room probably already worrying about his behavior, the last thing he wanted was to any of them to come after him and find him crying. 

He couldn’t even be mad, this was classic Santana and she used to mock them all with their insecurities. He was just feeling very vulnerable with this whole situation, being there with the alcohol and hearing someone calling him an alcoholic in front of everyone, hell, in front of a guy he doesn’t even know. He knew the guys already knew, but to have Santana and Quinn knowing as well felt a little too much. 

Not to mention the daddy issues comment that pretty much felt like she was digging her finger nail in his deepest scar. A scar that wasn’t new but each day ached more and more. 

Besides all that, the thing that was pounding in his mind and making this desire to cry almost unbearable, was the fact that it was all true. He was an alcoholic with daddy issues, a lost cause, a pathetic scared gay guy who was always scared, always so terrified that he used booze to cover his pain and it was the only way he learned how to deal with it. 

Realizing that was what threw him in the edge and let him shed a little tear that he felt as if he was holding it for the past decade or so. Blaine never cried, and he never did it because he had the impression that if he ever started he wouldn’t be able to ever stop. But this simple tear was all he could cry right now. Maybe because he was feeling like he wasn’t allowed to cry more, maybe because he was so dead inside that this wasn’t even a big deal. 

And then all he could about is that maybe, to top being an alcoholic and having daddy issues, he might be depressed as well. There’s no other explanation to this emptiness his life has become other than this one. And depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door. That was how he felt, like he was trapped in a room in hell all by himself, craving for liquor, craving for his father’s love, craving for everything to end. 

“Blaine?” He felt someone touched his arm slowly and actually got scared by that. 

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even noticed someone waking in. He eyed the blue eyed man in front of him without even bothering to look presentable. It was one of those awful moments where you have no control over your reaction, when the pain is too exposed to hide. Somehow, as soon as their eyes met, all Blaine wanted to do was throw himself at Kurt and beg him to never let him go. To protect him with those hopeful eyes and keep him safe forever. 

Kurt’s thumb started to caress his arms and Blaine nearly cried again. “I am sorry for what she said, she was a real asshole. Please don’t let her words affect you.”

Blaine slowly nodded his head, “It’s fine.” 

“No it’s not, that was totally uncalled for and you don’t deserve that. If you want to we can go home.” 

Blaine shook his head, his eyes never leaving Kurt’s even if he knew they were watery and he hated to be this vulnerable in front of anyone, “It’s okay, you wanted to come so badly I know you don’t want to go.” 

Kurt smiled, “I am serious, if you don’t feel comfortable we can go back home and just do something else.” 

“No it’s okay, I will quit being a whiny baby and we can get this over with, I am sorry.” 

Kurt gave him an almost offensive look and instantly brought his hand to his face, which at first scared Blaine a little bit but not even a moment later he closed his eyes peacefully, laying on the hand that was caressing his face, “Blaine look at me,” Kurt said, and he dragged his lids open so he could stare at the man in front of him, “Never, ever apologize for how you feel or call yourself a whiny baby for having emotions and feelings and expressing them. In the end of the day you can be as badass as you want but we are all human beings, we all feel things and it’s okay to be upset, to feel like crap and to even cry about whatever is affecting us. You are dealing with a lot, things that not me, not Nick and definitely not Santana can understand or even imagine, you are not cracking because you are weak or stupid, but because you are human and you deserve to have this moments just as much as anyone else does. No one expects you to be unbreakable, but we all expect you to be human. I know sometimes it’s hard to let go and let yourself be, to ask help and to trust people on your pain, and I am not asking you to trust me with all of that, I know you don’t, maybe someday you will and I promise you I will be here. What I am asking you though is to allow yourself to feel things, even if sometimes they hurt you, because if you don’t they will consume you and slowly but surely you will lose your mind. So cry, scream, whine all you want. And know that you are not alone.” 

Blaine’s eyes never let Kurt’s eyes even for a second during that much needed speech. He smiled grateful at him in the end and when both of the men were up in their feet, he wondered if it would be okay to hug him, because he felt desperate for a hug. He didn’t though, it was too risky and he didn’t want to ruin the moment with some awkward action. And with a silent promise that Kurt would be by his side the whole day, they went back to the living room where a cheesy comedy was playing, and sat side by side on the floor, their legs and arms touching and Kurt would check him every minute or so to make sure he was okay. And in some level, Blaine truly was okay. 

* * *

The rest of the day went quite well, Kurt thought as he applied his moisturizer back at home. They were just back in the apartment and Blaine was still looking kinda upset about this whole situation, and really, he had every right to be. What Santana did was humiliating to say the very least and Blaine was really strong to even go back and stay the whole afternoon along with them. 

As soon as they got back in the house, Blaine told him he was feeling exhausted and was going to sleep, it was already evening when they got back so maybe the man was really trying to get his sleeping routine back on tracks. 

Kurt on the other hand needed to get his skin perfect for his first day as a college student and he couldn’t wait for that. He was actually so excited it was pathetic. The whole time after the movie was done, while Nick and the guys talked to Blaine, Kurt and Sebastian were pathetically excited about the going back to college thing and pretty much screaming about how awesome it would be to just see each other on campus everyday, to go to college parties together, find cute boys and just you know, have a full awesome college experience. 

Regardless the bad points of the day, Kurt was so happy about everything that was going on in his life, since moving here, making friends, being in peace with Blaine and now going to college. Everything was working out so well that he couldn’t believe how amazing his life had turned out to be. He smiled at his own reflection on the mirror and kept moisturizing. Life was pretty good. 

* * *

_Blaine was sitting in the living room across his parents. He had this weird feeling creeping on his chest that this wasn’t going to end up well. He was 21 years old, and something told him it was about time he came out to his family, since he was sure about this for a few years now._

_He always knew his parent’s wouldn’t be supportive, they were very difficult people when it came to accept something other than what it was socially acceptable so he never even risked coming out. A personal choice._

_But it was starting to consume his chest, it was so hard for him not tell his family, even though Cooper already knew he wanted to share this with his mom and dad, even if they weren’t that close, he felt everything would be easier and better if he did._

_It was a Christmas morning, they had just opened the presents and Blaine was so happy to be back home for the holidays, even if Cooper didn’t make it because he was currently living in L.A he was so glad to be back in Westerville for Christmas, New York was awesome but he felt the need of a break from that madness._

_“So son, what do you have to tell us?” His father asked, smiling with his arm around Blaine’s mom, waiting for Blaine to tell them whatever he had to._

_Blaine’s mom was giving him a lovely smile, “Just tell us, baby. It’s okay.”_

_Blaine nodded, taking a deep breath and eyeing them carefully before almost whispering, “I am gay.”_

_Their smiles slowly faded as their eyes met each other, his dad’s arm were no longer behind his mother, as he now had them crossed over his chest, eyeing Blaine carefully and not quite understanding what he just told them._

_“Come again?”_

_Blaine nodded and this time said more firmly, “I am gay.”_

_His mother gave him a look he knew he would never be able to erase from his brain, it was a mix of disappointment but overall a very sad look, like she was on the verge of tears or something. She slowly stood up and made her way upstairs, not saying a word, not even looking at him._

_Blaine’s father was now standing up as well, he looked like he had a lot to say, but he also looked like this was a lot to take in and almost as if he couldn’t formulate a sentence. He just pointed his finger right in front of Blaine’s face, that was now filled with worry and tears wanting to fall from his eyes, and said, “I hope you happy that you ruined our Christmas. You know what, I’d rather had you aborted than hear those words. You can go now.”_

_“D-dad, please don’t do that.” He was now full on shaking and crying now. He watched as his father shook his head and started to make the same path his mother did before, “Dad, please! Dad!”_

“Blaine?” 

He felt hands once again bringing him back to reality as his whole body was shaking and tears was falling freely on his cheeks. He found Kurt sitting on the edge of his bad, and even though it was dark and the only light they had was coming from the window, Blaine could see the worried eyes on him and he couldn’t stop shaking. 

“Please.” He whispered. 

Kurt was now almost holding him, he was just shaking violently and was desperately crying and when he got in the room he was screaming a bunch of disconnect words that he had no idea what to do. “Please what honey?” 

Blaine shook his head, he was trying to fight the tears but he couldn’t, he wanted to say _please hold me, I’m tired, can’t think of anything and want only to lay my face in your lap, feel your hand on my head and remain like that through all eternity. Please just be with me and take this away, please make it stop hurting, why it won’t stop hurting?_

But he couldn’t make himself say this, he could barely breath through the shaky sobs. So he just said, “Can you hold me?” almost as a whisper, literally begging for any sort of contact with Kurt. 

The man eyed him for a good second before just nodding and hugging him. And Blaine couldn’t even put into words how much he needed that hug in that moment. He let it out out, he was full on sobbing now, his body still shaking, his tears wetting Kurt’s shirt, but all he cared was about how comforting it felt to have those arms around, how protected and loved he felt.

“Please stop crying, it’s gonna be okay Blaine.” Kurt whispered against his hair and Blaine’s shakes went a little calmer as he tried to nod his head. “Hey look at me,” Kurt asked gently and found Blaine’s eyes in the dark, the sparkly hazel begging him for the closeness and Kurt knew he wouldn’t deny him anything. Not now, not ever. “You are so brave, Blaine.” 

Blaine gives him a confused look, shaking his head, “Shh,” Kurt shushed him, “I hope someday you understand this, but for now just listen. You deserve all great things in this life, you deserve love, people who care for you, happiness and all great things. I know it’s hard right now, and what I will say is even harder, but sometimes we have to let go people who won’t ever bring us any of those things, even if we still have so much love for them, sometimes the people we love don’t deserve this love, and we have to let go. We have to learn how to live without them so we can get better, or at least get somewhere.” 

Blaine’s body was shaking and Kurt simply leaned and kissed his forehead slowly, carefully laying him down and already making his way to lay next to him and hold him for as long as he needed, and as Blaine’s sobs went quieter and quieter and he slowly drifted back to now a peaceful sleep. And Kurt held him close, quietly wondering how someone could be so beautiful yet so broken.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi my loves, a shorter update this Saturday because I have a surprise (check the end notes after reading this one to see the surprise) for you later on! I hope you like this one and please don't forget to comment and leave me kudos because they help a lot! <3  
> Love you all!

Kurt’s eyes slowly drifted open as he woke up. Unlike every other time he woke up every since he moved to New York he felt…surprisingly warm. He also felt something weird tingling his nose. 

His eye opened wide when not only he found himself not in his room, but he also found a very warm body practically on top of his. Blaine had his head on his chest and his hand holding tightly on his shirt like he was holding on to Kurt for dear life. Kurt noticed he had his hand on the end of the messy haired man back and he was afraid of doing any movement and accidentally wake his roommate. This was probably the first time he had seen Blaine looking so calm, and so pacific, other than the time he was getting high and even there he felt a heavy vibe coming from the man. Now he looked angelic even. 

He thought calmly about the night before. About how he heard Blaine screaming for his father and how he practically begged Kurt for some support, for him to just be there for him. Almost as if everyone in Blaine’s life had already turned their backs for him, like he was all alone and just having Kurt there to hold him was everything, or even more than what he truly needed. 

He slowly dragged his hand to the curls on Blaine’s head and caressed them, smiling at how soft they were even when they looked like a unruly mess. The man somehow managed to get even closer with that, smiling softly in his sleep. Kurt’s heart melted. 

It was rare to see Blaine like that, like he was truly and actually having a happy moment. It was different, a good different.

Kurt was so lost in the moment that he for a moment forgot it was his first day of class. His first day of college. The day that would probably mean the beginning of his life, or his professional life at least. Suddenly he felt a a nervous feeling creeping down his spine but even nervous, a big smile took over his face. 

The feeling of beginning something he dreamed for so long was beyond what words could describe. He felt like he was about to take the first step to what would end up being a hell of a beautiful journey. He was so happy that nothing and no one would be able to bring him down. 

He became suddenly so restless and excited, that he didn’t noticed that he started to shake his feet and that little movement was enough to wake his roommate up. And in a matter of seconds Blaine went to the most relaxed Kurt has ever seen him, to full panic. 

Blaine was still holding on his shirt but he had no longer his head resting against Kurt’s chest. He had his other hand on the bed and was breathing heavily on top of him, like he just had woken up from a very disturbing dream. 

“Hey, calm down,” Kurt said calmly smiling at him, “I am sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

Blaine looked all over the room and then frowned back at him, “What are you doing in my room?” 

This time Kurt was the one to frown, “You woke up in the middle of the night, you were having a nightmare I guess. I came here and you asked if I could sleep here with you.” 

Blaine jerked his body and hands away from the youngest man underneath him and stood up next to the bed, “I did not!” 

“It’s okay, I didn’t mind Blaine, I was just worried about you.” Kurt said sitting up as well, “You don’t remember?” 

“No because it didn’t happen.” Blaine told him serious. 

Kurt laughed now, clearly pissed at the way the man was treating him after everything, “So you think I just decided to come sleep with you for no reason?”

“No I–I just–“ Blaine said, he was nearly shaking, incapable of looking Kurt in the eye from where he was standing. Blaine felt the urge to cry as he remembered his dream and how petty Kurt looked at him on the night before, how pathetic he must have looked as he literally begged Kurt to stay with him, the same Kurt he treated like shit for days. How he couldn’t even put into words how nice it felt to have Kurt next to him, to not feel alone, how this was probably the best night of sleep he had ever had in his life, how he wanted to have this everyday, better yet, how he felt as if he needed this everyday. And then a pang on his chest when he noticed that this would probably never happen again. “Fuck! It was nothing okay? I am okay.” 

Kurt sighed, “It’s okay if you aren’t Blaine, you had a pretty busy day yesterday, I wouldn’t judge you. Besides it’s not even something you can control, your dreams you know. It’s okay if you had a nightmare and if you needed someo–“ 

“I don’t, okay?” He said a bit loud this time, “I am sorry if I woke you up or whatever I said to you when I was half asleep last night, I don’t fucking know. What I do know though is that I don’t need anyone, that is for sure. So if you excuse me, please leave my room.” 

The younger man frowned even deeper as he watched his roommate treating him yet again in the worst way possible. This was starting to get old and proving to be a very lost case so far. Blaine might have promised him that things would change and they might even have had some moments in the previous days that gave Kurt some sort of hope that things would actually change for the better. But he was starting to give up on Blaine and this whole bipolar thing that he had strongly going on. If there was one thing Kurt needed in every relationship he had in his life, regardless if it was professional, family or friendship, it was consistency. And with Blaine, it was the last thing he had. He wanted more than anything to be friends and live in a somewhat happy environment, but he was starting to believe, or even already conformed that this wouldn’t happen, that Blaine was a lost case and that he didn’t even care about that. And you know what they say about wanting to help someone who already gave up long ago. 

It is a waste of time. 

And right now, time was something Kurt didn’t had to waste. Not when his life was about to beginning, not when he had great things happening. 

“Please, just–“ Blaine said, still not eyeing him and a much lower tone than his usual cocky one, “Leave.”

Kurt sighed again and nodded, quickly making his way out of the bed and walking toward the door without even looking back. 

Right in this moment, Kurt couldn’t even express how pissed he were or how much he wanted to know what was going on Blaine’s mind to just be like that all the time. He decided not to care anymore or even let his mind worry about this anymore. Not when he was about to start his future career, not when today had everything to be a great day. Kurt have had a hard life so far. Between bullies and feeling lost, he was finally on the right track with his life, this was his moment, and like he said before, no one was about to ruin this for him. Not anymore.

* * *

“Do you have your phone on you right?” 

Kurt rolled his eyes at his best friend. Sebastian had already done a great job helping Kurt to find his class and even walking him there, but now he was starting to act like a crazy parent or something. 

“Yes, Bas.” 

Sebastian nodded, “And you do know that you can message me if anything happens, regardless if it is just because your class is boring or if you have some juicy gossip to share with me, right?" 

“Sebastian!” Kurt said laughing, placing his hands on both of the man’s shoulder and smiling at his best friend, “I am going to be fine! I promise I will message you as soon as I have a break so we can meet for a coffee or something.”

Sebastian sighed, “Okay, don’t be an ass I am just worrying. You grew up so fast.”

“Oh my god.” Kurt said hugging his best friend. It was crazy how some people just clicked and how they already had such a special connection, an unbreakable bond. 

“Okay, okay, go! Have a great first day of class, please message me if you need anything. Don’t forget to not sit on the front, Mr. Peterson tends to spit sometimes when he gets excited.” 

Kurt smiled again, “I will remember that,” He slowly started to walk backwards and wave at Sebastian, who just nodded one more time making sure Kurt was okay and finally decided to go to his own class.

The newest New Yorker shook his head as he kept slowly walking backward. He was so lost on his thoughts about how crazy his friend was and how excited he was to begin his future that he didn’t even notice that he accidentally bumped into something. Or better yet, someone. 

A part of him quietly prayed for the person not to be holding any sort of drink, embarrassing himself with that once in his life was more than enough. But when he didn’t heard any sound of things crashing on the floor he sighed relieved and turned around to apologize. 

He couldn’t quite to that since once he turned around he found the cutest boy standing there, smirk on his face and arms crossed on his chest. 

“Do you tend to bump into people like that very often?” And he fucking had a British accent. Kurt hated to admit it, but like everyone he also had his One Direction phase, and dear Lord how sexy this accent was. 

He blushed, “I wish I could say no but that would be a lie. Sorry for this.” 

The boy crocked his head a bit offering Kurt a very charming smile that made the heat on his cheeks impossible to fade away, “Tell you what, I will gladly forgive you if you tell me your name and allow me to take you out for coffee after this class?” 

Kurt took a deep breath. This was actually happening, life was indeed sweet. Sure, he knew that moving to New York he would find himself basically in a different universe from Ohio, a much more open, much better universe in which the gay community was larger and prouder. Unlike Ohio a place where everything had to be hidden and considered a shame, here he was able not only to be himself but to also find cute guys to flirt with. And this universe happened to be such a good place to be right now. 

“Well, what is your name, if you don’t mind me asking?” Kurt asking, a smirk playing in the corners of his lips as well. He wasn’t quite known for being shy, sure he didn’t have a lot of practice on the dating and flirting department since he came from a very homophobic, very heteronormative environment, but unlike any other person, he wasn’t about to freak out and act all insecure, this was after all, the perfect opportunity to practice his game. 

The British guy smiled and leaned closer, “Not at all, I am Adam but you can call me whatever you want.” 

“I will call you Adam.” Kurt said, chuckling a bit.

“So, are you going to tell me your name and agree with a coffee later?” 

Kurt smirked once again, “I will give my name for free, it’s Kurt and if you want my number that is more than available too. But about this coffee thing, you will have to work a little harder than that to get me to go out with you.” 

Adam licked his lips and got even closer, taking his phone out of his pocket and smiling when the other man likely took it, typing his contact info, “Kurt. A beautiful name to a beautiful man.”

“Hum,” Kurt hummed in agreement, “Keep this smooth game going on and I might agree with this date thing sooner than later.” 

The British man smiled hopeful, and Kurt slowly moved away from him, finding the perfect spot for him to sit – not in the front, as Sebastian had warned him before. Adam was watching everyone of his movements and Kurt was more than aware of it. Back in high school he wasn’t very into having any sort of attention on him, but right now, having a cute British guys pretty much drooling over him was a very welcome feeling.

Though dating wasn’t much on his plans right now, he was much more focused on himself and had agreed that this year was about him and his happiness and making himself a priority, he couldn’t deny that maybe someone like Adam would look good in the frame. He was much in need for some physical contact and he wouldn’t mind one bit getting dirty with that man. 

Plus, Sebastian would be more than proud. 

He smiled to himself as he considered sending him a message with the juicy gossip he had already to share, but when he grabbed his phone he found two messages already waiting for him to open. 

**_You have gorgeous eyes, Kurt – Adam_ **

**_I am sorry for before – B_ **   
****

Kurt took a deep breath and turned his screen off. _Blaine_. He couldn’t even get himself happy over someone cute flirting with him when Blaine popped on his mind.   
 ****

He wasn’t quite sure why but he strongly worried about the man all the time, even after all the times he was nothing but an asshole to him, Kurt couldn’t help but worry about him. He had a lot of issues and it wasn’t even about him wanting to fix them anymore, it was much more dense than that. Almost as if a part of him just knew how special Blaine was and how this part died a little bit every time he watched the man close himself into his self destruction shell. It was like Blaine was a tick time bomb and Kurt was desperate to make it stop, to avoid the explosion while the clock was ticking and already determined to blow up and explode into million of pieces.

He sighed. This was only giving him a headache. He wished more than anything for his brain just to shut up and for him to just grant Blaine’s wish and stop caring, stop being there, stop even thinking about him. Even if they were somewhat in good terms now and even if Blaine actually apologized, via text message but still, Kurt was done being treated like a piece of shit. He was done letting the man step on him and act like an asshole even after he helped him. 

He thumbed through the messages and took a deep breath. He choose not to answer any of them. And for his luck, Mr. Peterson walked in just minutes later not leaving him much time to focus on anything but introductions and the history of journalism, and honestly he wasn’t as bad as Bas had described. 

And even though he couldn’t quite take Blaine and what happened in the morning and in the previous night out of his head, he could clearly notice a certain hungry pair of British eyes on him every minute or so during the class, and he had to admit, it did feel pretty good. 

Kurt was known for being a positive person so he should just focus on that now. On the cute Adam guy, on New York city, on this class, on his amazing friendships and on trying to at least being civil with Blaine. But definitely not wasting his time on his roommate again. Blaine had already proved that he didn’t deserve that, and in a world where people don’t often get a second chance, Kurt wasn’t about to give Blaine his third. 

His eyes met Adam’s for a split of a second and he smiled to himself. Yes, he would most likely focus on those positive things. 

* * *

When Kurt opened the apartment door after a long and very needed coffee date with Bas, in which he filled his best friend with all the details from the flirty British he met on his first class and everything else about his first day, and turns out college was already everything he expected and so much more, he was excited beyond words to just enjoy this experience the best way he possibly could. 

What he didn’t expect though was to find Blaine sitting on one of the living room chairs that was currently facing the door as if he was waiting for Kurt to come back. As soon as the door opened and the tallest boy walked in Blaine stood up, smiling gently and almost shyly at the college freshman. 

“Hey, how was your first day?” 

Kurt frowned a bit, “You seem incredibly interested for someone who not only a few hours ago was extremely rude but also pretty much kicked me out of your room.” 

Blaine blushed and sighed, looking defeated and completely guilty, as he had been feeling the whole day, “I…am so sorry for that Kurt, really, I don’t know if you got my message but I apologized there as well.” 

Kurt nodded, “I did get it, I–“ he was cut with the noise of his text message ringtone going off and he smiled at the screen, chuckling at whatever message he had just got. 

Blaine stared as he ended the sentence in the middle of it and still with the cutest smile all over his face he, not only answered the text message, but also managed to close the door behind him and set his things on the table near the door. He seemed to be so lost in this text message that Blaine was sure that if he didn’t have cleaned his throat to remind Kurt that he was there, Kurt would’ve easily forgotten about him. Just like everyone else at some point did too. 

“Oh, sorry. I did get your text I was just you know, busy.” 

Blaine knew deep down that he deserved this cold treatment the younger man was giving him. It was a long time coming really. It wasn’t only something he deserved because of his behavior that morning, when he was so embarrassed for not only asking Kurt to sleep with him, but he was also completely ashamed of how weak he presented himself to his roommate. Even if Kurt had already seen him in the middle of a mental break down at Santana’s not even a day ago, something about what happened after the nightmare, the whole cuddling and promises of a better tomorrow, made everything too much. And Blaine knew that despise how intense it felt for him, Kurt did not deserve the way he treated him that morning. At all. 

Only Kurt didn’t seemed to be all that bothered by that. This cold treatment, even  if not mortal since he was at least talking to him, was different in the worst way possible. The hopeful blue eyes looked kinda the same way they did when that whole drama with one of Blaine’s booty calls happened. He didn’t look quite disappointed or like he had gave up. It was a sort of indifferent, barely acknowledging Blaine’s presence vibe. And Blaine, even knowing he deserved it, hated it. 

“I uhn, got you something,” He said quietly, his voice just a bit louder than a whisper, that enough making the blue eyed man take his eyes from his damn phone.

Kurt suddenly seemed interested and that made Blaine nearly smile a bit. He wondered if Kurt would be like that in his relationships, if he would love to get surprises during boring, normal Mondays, if he would like to be spoiled, if he would pay his parter back with one thousand kisses. And half way through the kitchen, the little smile on Blaine’s lips faded away. He was not supposed to imagine any of that at all.

Blaine reached for the Starbucks bag that was sitting on the counter and made his way back to Kurt in the living room, where the man still eyed him curiously, almost looking like a little kid who was promised candy after dinner. 

Kurt was trying his best to keep his indifferent face in place, but he was about to get a surprise and he suddenly couldn’t even remember why he was mad at Blaine in the very first place. 

“So I got you this on my way back from rehearse, it’s just an apologetic muffin.” Blaine said in practically one breath. 

Which made Kurt smile at him softly and grab the bag between them, maybe Blaine wasn’t such a lost case after all, even if this time Kurt would still rather keep this distance because just the thought of how he felt this morning when kicked out from the man’s room, was enough. 

“An apologetic muffin?” Kurt asked, smiling bigger as he opened the bag and found a perfect chocolate muffin, frosting and all on top, a perfect apologetic gift, “This is so not Blaine Anderson of you.”

Blaine chuckled a bit, “I know I sometimes, uhn, have a hard time and am an asshole but I really am sorry for how I treated you this morning when I know you only intended to help on the night before. So yeah, thank you for that and also sorry for this morning.” 

Kurt nodded, “Well, I accept the apology and hey this better become a tradition, whenever you fuck up, I get a muffin.” 

“Jesus, we might as well get a muffin factory because I am the definition of fucked up.” 

The younger boy rolled his eyes, “You better stop talking about yourself like that, okay?” He said seriously and Blaine only gave him a little head nod and smiled, “Good, now I will change this outfit because I am so not getting chocolate frosting on it and when I come back I will consider sharing my muffin with you.” He winked and left for his room. 

Blaine was standing there, a sweet dopey smile on his face, as he counted the seconds to share the muffin with Kurt, he would let the boy ramble about everything that happened in college, and about Sebastian if he wanted to, and tell him about rehearse, how Nick and Jeff were all over one another, how David interrupted them just to say that the moon was in Sagittarius, that was why they should just give up rehearsing and go out to have a good time, and how it was only Monday and Wes already, as he said so nicely, had to leave the damn rehearse earlier because there were a threesome waiting for him a few blocks away. 

The curly haired man was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice that when Kurt went change, he not only left his muffin behind, but along with it, he also left his phone behind. Which usually wouldn’t mean anything to Blaine, he wasn’t the nosy type, but the phone ringed three times announcing three new messages. And by the way Kurt was all over his phone a few minutes ago, it only meant that it was either something important, or Sebastian saying something stupid. But for some reason, Blaine felt the urge to see it.

So he did. 

He found three messages there.

**_Meeting you was the highlight of my day. – Adam_ **

**_Now that I know we will share classes I am pretty sure I will fail since all I could think about today was….Nevermind ;) - Adam_ **   
****

**_When will you let me take you out for that coffee, handsome? - Adam_ **   
****

And all Blaine could wander was who the fuck was this Adam guy and why the fuck he was flirting with Kurt. Of course Kurt would have some guy nearly in love with him after his first day of class, of course. He was fucking gorgeous, and funny, and caring, and overall jus amazing, and any guy would be nothing but stupid to pass this chance. 

Suddenly, Blaine felt as if his blood was running thicker through his veins. He felt his eyes going blur and his grip on the phone was a bit too strong. He couldn’t deny that this feeling could only mean he was jealous. It was similar to what he felt on the stage a few days ago as he watched that douche looking guy talking to Kurt during his performance. And just like it made him desperate to swallow a bottle of Vodka back then, it also made him now. 

Blaine quickly went through all the things he faced in the past week or so, that trigged him to go back to drinking. He thought about his father’s phone call, Santana’s comment, the fight with Kurt. Somehow in his mind he felt so proud that he went through all of that without even a drop of liquor. But now, something as stupid as being jealous, seemed to be bigger and harder to face. 

He could hear Kurt humming back so quickly he put the phone away and without even thinking, grabbed his keys and went outside. There, he felt like he could breath at least, and even if he still felt like screaming and crying because this was not fair, because he had fucked up things from the beginning, proving to Kurt that he was nothing but a big time asshole and not worth his time at all, and now he was having those mixed feelings and it was something that he just couldn’t have at all. For starters, it made no sense. No one goes from hating someone guts, to wanting them sexually, to needing them close to be able to sleep a whole night without nightmares. This was fucked up in so many levels and he wasn’t sure what felt more painful, if it was knowing that because he had wasted all his chances behaving like a total asshole, some Adam guy would have Kurt for him, or if it was the fact that even if he wanted and in some level even needed Kurt, he sure didn’t deserve him. 

Kurt went from being what made him quick drinking, to what made him wanting to be nothing but an alcoholic. Because Kurt made him want to feel numb again. Blaine wanted to drink until all his thoughts of him are jumbled and impossible for him to see straight. He wanted to drink so that he wouldn’t remember how Kurt makes him feel. He wanted to drink so much that the taste of Kurt’s name wasn’t in his mouth. He wanted to drink until everything made sense and until there was no pain left to feel. 

And so he did. Blaine walked into the closest bar he could find with only one mission. Well, two. 

To drink, and to forget. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I am going to travel this week and won't be able to update you guys next Saturday, you will have an earlier update on Wednesday! I hope you like this update and is look forward for the next one as much as I am <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN UPDATE EARLIER THAN EXPECTED? You are damn right! This was so fun to write and I am so happy with the result! I hope you liked it and enjoy this one as much as I enjoyed writing it. Unfortunately I only see you guys on the 14th but luckily this will be worth the wait. And I promise, some good things are coming!   
> Please leave me comments and Kudos because I appreciate them all so much!   
> Love you guys <3

Kurt was back from his room, now wearing a plain black shirt and just regular sweat pants since his biggest plans for the night were eating the muffin and maybe catching up on some reality show, not at all to go out so no need for anything fancy. 

He entered the living room ready to find Blaine and his apologetic muffin but instead, he found only the muffin. He called for the older man a few times but didn’t get a reply. A part of him thought about calling Blaine and maybe even go look around because really, he couldn’t have gone so far. But he promised himself he wasn’t going to worry or play Blaine’s nanny anymore, the only thing that came from that was headaches and anxiety, and right now he wasn’t going to waste his time on any that.

So he simply got comfortable on the couch, turned on the TV, grabbed his muffin and did everything possible to actually relax and not worry about anything besides the muffin and the TV. Truth be told, he was sure nothing bad actually was going on, even if his sixth sense tried to tell him the opposite. Blaine probably just heard from one of his booty calls and had a sex emergency or whatever. Kurt shrugged, as long as he kept this out of their apartment he was fine. And besides, he had his own guys to worry about, and that itself was more than enough reason to make him excited and focus on something else besides this stupid voice in his mind telling him that something about Blaine simply leaving seemed off. 

* * *

The new New Yorker didn’t even realized that he fell asleep midway through season three of America’s Next Top Model, part of him was ashamed about that, neither Tyra Banks nor his 15 years old self would ever forgive him for that. But he didn’t have time to even think about this when his phone was screaming from the coffee table close to the couch. 

He sleepily reached for the phone as he answered without even checking the phone ID. 

“Uhn, hello?” 

There was a deep breath in the other end, almost as a relieved sigh, “Kurt? It’s Nick.” 

Kurt was still trying to wake up from his sleepy state of mind and answer his friend at the same time, “Hey Nick, what is up?” 

“Nothing, nothing. I was just wondering if you are home?” 

The younger boy frowned a bit, “I am, why?” 

“Is there any chances Blaine is there with you?” 

“No, he left a few hours ago I guess. Not sure where he went though.” 

He heard a few more breaths on the other end and some words being said to someone else, Jeff as Kurt assumed, but he couldn’t quite get what was being said, “Kurt, I think something bad happened.” 

Kurt’s whole body went tense and it was safe to say he was fully awake now, “What do you mean something bad happened? What is going on?” 

“Jeff was checking his SnapChat and some random friend posted a video of Blaine doing a crazy amount of shots in some bar close to your apartment.” 

“What?” Kurt said, he didn’t want his voice to sound that upset but he couldn’t help it, he was freaking upset, “No, he wouldn’t. He was doing so great, he wouldn’t go back.” 

Nick sighed, “Yes he would. I know you are there and that is helping, but we’ve known Blaine for quite some time, so it’s safe to say he would most likely do something like that.” 

“Why did you called me then? Do you expect me to go there and pick him up? He will definitely throw a full tantrum and act like a jerk, and like you just said, you know him better.” 

“Calm down man!” Nick said, “I just– We can’t go there right now, Jeff’s parents are in town and we are out in a restaurant with them. Please Kurt, I know you already have a lot in your plate and that this whole Blaine thing is just too much, too exhausting at times, but please go after him and please don’t give up on him.”

Kurt nearly laughed, “Nick you do realize he gave up on himself right? It doesn’t matter how much I want to help, and trust me when I say, I do want to help him and believe in him. But whenever we seem to be taking steps forward he just decides to go back to the start. And you might even hate me for saying because I don’t know his reasons and I am sure he won’t tell me anytime soon, but I don’t deserve how he has been treating me even when I try to help.”

Nick groaned sounding defeated, “He is going to tell you everything at some point. I know he will.” 

Kurt snorted, “Yeah, I highly doubt that.” 

“Oh, no, trust me, he will. And when it happens be still. Don’t offer advices or solutions, just let him vomit whatever he has to say, let him spill his soul through painful pauses and agonized words that I know it will hurt a lot to be said out loud.” Nick said, Kurt never hear him so sure or so serious before, “He is fighting all his demons, you know? And all he wants is for someone to listen. I listened before but I don’t think I could save him even if I want to have my best friend back more than anything.” 

“And what makes you think that I will be able to save him?” Kurt nearly screamed now. 

“I don’t know.” He said honestly, “It is just a sense, Jeff feels it too. I can’t name it, but I know there is something.” 

Kurt laughed humorlessly now, “You are freaking me out.” 

“Sorry, I really don’t mean to. Please tell me you will go after him.” 

Kurt nodded, “I will, but please you gotta be here first thing in the morning, I don’t know how much of that I can handle. Remember that I’ve never seen him drunk before, and due our history I am pretty sure he won’t be please to see me.”

Nick shook his head, “Just do your best and please, make sure you listen to whatever he has to say.” 

“I told you, he won’t tell me any–“ 

“Please. Just listen.” And he hang up. 

Kurt took a deep breath, still holding his phone on his hand when a message from Nick showed up with the bar’s address. The younger man sighed, looked for a pair of shoes to put on, not even bothering to change his outfit since he would be most likely covered in Blaine’s puke by the end of the night anyways and went on his mission. 

He wasn’t sure what he was about to face, what he was about to find out. What would be Blaine’s reaction when he saw Kurt there? How he would behave? Those two questions screaming in his head. Fuck, he wished he had listened to his sixth sense before things went down like that. Not that it was his fault, it wasn’t. But if only he had stayed and forgot about his damn outfit for a second and shared his muffin with Blaine, not allowing him to have time to leave and go after his addiction, they would have avoided this whole thing.

And there Kurt was blaming himself for something that wasn’t up to him yet again. He sighed as he walked through the dark New York streets. It wasn’t that late, maybe a bit after 10pm, and there he was, sweatpants and a messy hair, going after an alcoholic in a bar. If you ever told Kurt that he would someday face any of this, including the going out in sweatpants part, he would have rolled his eyes and call it bullshit. But as soon as he reached the so called _Joe’s Bar_ , tack neon sign and all, he sighed and faced that this was very much real. 

He entered the bar, not minding the weird looks people threw at him, maybe because of his outfit, maybe because he didn’t look like he was old enough to be there. Luckily it wasn’t quite hard to find his roommate, he was at the bar, resting his head on his hand and playing with the straw of his drink. He looked upset, and drunk, Kurt stood there for a while wondering how exactly he should approach the man. 

Slowly, he walked closer and closer, and as soon as he was next to him Blaine’s head turned slightly so he could see him. When their eyes met, the older man closed his tightly and sighed, but right after opened them again. Maybe he expected Kurt to be a mirage or something. Blaine sighed when he noticed the younger boy was actually there, disappointed look tattooed on his eyes and everything. 

“I am not happy to be here either Blaine, come on, let’s go home.” Kurt said firmly. 

Blaine just shook his head, “Nuh uhn, I am not done.” And he was behaving like a five years old, and by the way he was lazily speaking, he probably drank beyond his limit. Then again, he shouldn’t be drinking in the first place.

“Blaine, I said now.” 

Blaine eyed him with a frown now, “And I said no.” 

Kurt rolled his eyes and sighed, “Can you stop behaving like a fucking child and just come home with me?” 

“No, I don’t want someone who is here because they are petty of me,” He said matter-of-factly, “Fuck you.” 

Kurt laughed, “I am not petty at all, like I said before, if you want to ruin your life than be my guest I won’t stop you.”

Blaine rolled his eyes, “You say this but your, your eyes betray you. And the fact that you are here too.” 

 _Fuck_ , Kurt though, he was a smart drunk, apparently. He was right, Kurt did care, Kurt was somewhat feeling petty about this too. It was just, so sad to see someone destroying themselves like that. He looked at the man in front of him, golden eyes staring deeply at the blue ones, and Kurt couldn’t help but physically see the sadness building up in Blaine’s bones and it was awful not knowing how to help. It was scary how he was starting to recognize how Blaine’s eyes darkened to the color of the sky right after a hurricane whenever he was like that, not drunk but broken, and how his body has tensed so much that it looks like it would shatter with nothing but a touch, like he was now, with his jaw clenched and a breath so safely tight on his chest, like he couldn’t breath, or how the smallest of things could set him off, like that day at Santana’s, and Kurt could literally feel him falling apart in front of his eyes. And there was nothing he could do. 

“Please,” Kurt said, not even minding how pathetic he was sounding, his eyes were watering now and he knew that he just needed the man in front of him, flaws and all, to go home with him, for them to try to fix this. “Please, B. Let’s go home.” 

Blaine’s eyes never left Kurt’s. His voice did sound desperate and Blaine didn’t care if he was begging him to go. But Kurt actually looked sad. Not disappointed or upset or as if he expected more from him than to fall back into his old habits. Just sad. A sad gaze that was hurting way more than the reason he decided to come here and drink in the very first place. Right now, this jealous race seemed to be nothing but useless since in the end Kurt was there, and maybe he was there for the wrong reasons, but there non the less. 

The curly haired man nodded slowly, trying to stand up next to his stool. He threw a few bucks on the bar and gave Kurt a weak, almost apologetic smile, he tried to take a step but he was actually pretty drunk. Kurt sighed and embrace him by his waist and just like that they made their way back in to their home. 

* * *

“Stop moving, you will fall down.” Kurt said serious as he tried to take off Blaine’s shirt. 

He wasn’t sure what happened, but Blaine quickly went from a stubborn five years old brat, to a very restless, very funny five years old brat. As soon as they got home, Blaine was laughing like a crazy man for no reason at all. And if that wasn’t enough he told Kurt that we wanted to be sober and that the quickest way was to give him a bath. 

Kurt sighed, he was literally about to help Blaine to take a bath. This couldn’t be actually happening right now. 

“Blaine, stop!” Kurt said as the older man tried to dance around the bathroom while Kurt oh, so patiently tried to take off his jeans as the water was running on the bathtub next to them.

“Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kuuurt!” Blaine sang, laughing right after. 

Kurt groaned, helping him step out of his jeans, “What?” 

Blaine giggled, “You are going to see me naked.” He laughed louder, “Oh fuck, that wasn’t how I imagined you seeing me naked for the first time at all.” 

Kurt rolled his eyes, “I am not taking off your underwear.” 

Blaine sighed, “I want bubbles.” 

“Bubbles?” 

The older man nodded, “Yes, a pink bubble bath sir, please.” 

Kurt was trying not to laugh at this point, but he couldn’t help. Blaine was literally acting like a baby and it was quite funny. And somehow breaking the tension between them, which was very welcome.

“Come on,” He said, giving his hand for Blaine to hold so he could safely enter the bathtub, “I am going to wash your hair and find something to make the bubbles.” 

“Pink bubbles!” Blaine reminded him.

Kurt rolled his eyes, “You really are a spoiled brat, aren’t you?” 

Blaine laughed, “You are gorgeous, Kurt.” 

The younger man actually laughed at that, maybe they had reached the flirty drunk stage. This was going to be fun. “Thanks.” He answered as he added shampoo to the water so Blaine could have his damn bubbles.

“No seriously,” Blaine said, his fingers now on Kurt’s face as he lazily traced them on his features, “I love your freckles, and your nose, and your eyes, and your everything.” 

Kurt laughed, “You are so regretting this in the morning.”

Blaine shook his head as Kurt started to pour shampoo on his curls, “No I won’t, you are gorgeous. I am speaking facts.” 

“Oh really?” 

“Really, really.” Blaine said, trying to look up to see Kurt behind him but giving up after the younger man told him he would have shampoo on his eyes if he kept doing that. “Ahnn, the bubbles are not pink.” 

Kurt sighed and grabbed a big mug he had brought in advance to wash off the shampoo from Blaine’s hair, and Jesus wasn’t those the softest curls on planet Earth? Having Blaine like that, shirtless and flirty, was something that was becoming harder to deal with every minute that passed. He washed off the shampoo and sat in front of the older man again. 

“Kuuuurt.” 

“Those are the bubbles you are having today, stop complaining.” He wanted to laugh at how he sounded as if he was actually talking to a five years old. 

Blaine shrugged, “I was going to say something else, smart ass.” 

Kurt nodded, soaping his hand and carefully washing Blaine’s arms, and God, they were so firm and delicious like this, wet and all those olive skin completely at his mercy, Kurt had to take a few deep breaths. “What do you want now?” 

“Do you ever think about kissing me?” He asked just like that, eyeing the younger boy and not giving a single fuck about how blunt he sounded, apparently. 

Kurt nearly gagged with the question, suddenly wanting to be the one drunk right now, “Wow, where is that coming from?” 

Blaine shook his head, “I dunno, sometimes I have this urge you know? To grab you and kiss you senseless, until you forget your damn name. I am a hella of a kisser.” 

Kurt laughed out loud at that, “Had great feedback, I assume.” 

“Yeah, not from anyone who matters though.” The man in the bathtub said, playing with the not pink bubbles around him, “Do you know how many guys I’ve been with?” 

Kurt shook his head, still focused on soaping the man’s body and not trusting himself to speak right now. 

“A lot,” Blaine told him, sighing right after, “None of them mattered though.” He shrugged, “I guess I am not worth someone special.” 

“Of course you are Blaine,” He said seriously, looking in the man’s eyes, “We are all worth something great, anything but that, we simply don’t deserve.” 

Blaine shrugged, “Maybe, but like, someone great like you wouldn’t give me a chance. I am not worth it like Adam or something, am I?” 

Kurt’s hand stop moving through the man’s chest completely as he heard Adam’s name being mentioned, Blaine smirked shaking his head and whispering something like ‘I knew it’ under his breath. 

“How the hell do you know about Adam?” 

Blaine eyed him, licking his lips before speaking, “Your phone blew up with his messages when you were changing.” 

“You went through my phone?” Kurt asked, feeling a little mad now.

The curly haired man shook his head, “No, just the lock screen, sorry.” 

Kurt sighed, there was nothing to say really, he wasn’t going to wast his time giving Blaine a piece of his mind about this phone situation, not now when the guy was drunk and apparently reaching the drunk upset stage.

“Hmm, your hands are so soft,” Blaine said as he closed his eyes, “You are making me hard.”

 _Okay, still on the horny stage I guess_ , Kurt thought.

“Okay!” Kurt said alarmed, “Shower is over, let’s go come on.” 

Blaine rolled his eyes, “You are no fun.” Stepping out of the bathtub and Kurt blushed when he noticed there was really a boner there. 

They slowly made their way to the room, Blaine wrapped around a towel as Kurt pushed him to the bed while listening to the man say about how he could be called Super Burrito if he was to be a super hero right now. It had been a long night, to say the very least. 

Kurt was drying his hair with a different towel, listening as Blaine rambled about this damn burrito thing. The man didn’t seemed to be sobering up and he still had to change his wet underwear and get him in clean, comfy clothes. 

“Hey,” Kurt said, making Blaine frown as he was cut in the middle of his monologue but eyeing the man anyways, “I will go grab you some water, and maybe some tea. You dry up, and put on some clothes.”

“No!” Blaine whined, “I like being Super Burrito.” 

“Blaine.” Kurt said in his _‘I’ve had it’_ tone. 

He sighed, “Fine. I want a milkshake, a pink strawberry milkshake.” 

Kurt rolled his eyes, “Mhmm.” He just agreed, making his way to the kitchen and taking deep breaths as he quietly listened to his roommate to sing some Katy Perry song that Kurt was sure it wasn’t on his usual go to songs to perform. He listened to the man whine some more random words and decided to abandon the tea idea and stick with only water. That would help him sober up and if didn’t he would just tuck him in bed and let him rest. Tomorrow he would be having a hell of a hungover, but he would be sober.

“Where’s my milkshake?” Blaine said, he was sitting with his legs crossed on the bed, wearing a Scooby Doo pajama pants and his hair wrapped around a towel just like woman with long hair used to do to dry it faster, he was shirtless but Kurt wasn’t going to fight him, he was too busy trying not to laugh at how younger Blaine looked like that. 

Kurt shook his head, “No milkshake but here,” He handed Blaine he glass of water, “drink it up and I promise you will feel better.” 

Blaine hesitated for a second but then nodded and smiled, accepting the glass of water and drinking it up. Kurt quickly went to the bathroom, grabbed the comb he needed to take care of those curls and went back to the room, sitting behind his roommate and untangling his hair from the towel, ignoring when Blaine complained. 

“Kurt?” 

He sighed as he started to comb the man’s hair, “Yes Blaine?” 

“Why are you nice to me?” He asked sincerely, playing with the rim of the glass and sounding a little down, “I mean I am not complaining but, I guess just know that I don’t deserve.” 

Kurt was surprised with this question, he was glad though that Blaine knew he didn’t deserve him, but he wasn’t going to say that, he was going to say the truth. “Because I know people like you weren’t born that way. I know there must be a reason for your heart, that I simply know due the amount of friends who care for you, was once warm and loving and now is cold and empty. Because I know people who are kinda broken need kindness the most, even if they expect it the least. Even if they don’t deserve it at times.” 

Blaine heard every single word, his eyes closing calmly at how good it felt to have someone brushing his hair like that, so gently, so caring, “But what makes you so kind to me even when I am rude?” 

“Because I guess at some point life made me cold too, and little broken if I am being honest. But you know I am a very positive person and I truly believe that a warm touch in someone’s heart with the right loving hands can warm a broken heart up again.” 

Blaine laughed, “That was sweet. Sounds like the movie Frozen, God I love that movie.” 

Kurt laughed too, “It’s a good one. I am being serious though, I try to be nice with you because part of me knows you are more than this whole badboy persona you have going on. And I know your issues aren’t quite the same as mine was, but I would like you to think of me as someone you can come to, when you need you know. I know you have your best friends since high school still around, but regardless of how many people are there for you, I am too.” 

Blaine nodded, “Thank you. I mean it. And sorry, for everything.” 

“It’s okay really, I forgive you.” He smiled, finishing the man’s hair and making his way out of the bed, grabbing the glass from Blaine’s hand but not quite taking it from him, “Hey, what is wrong?” 

Blaine had tears on his big hazel eyes, Kurt could see them sparkle with sadness as he now let go of the glass and grabbed the man’s hand, “Blaine, why are you crying?” 

The older man didn’t want to pretend now, or ever, he wanted to sob and cry every tear he needed and to have someone there to hug him and comfort him, and maybe now was a great opportunity for that. 

“My dad hates me.” He said and sobbed. 

Kurt’s eyes went wide with the declaration and Nick’s words echoed in his head. _Just. Listen_. 

“Why would you think that?” 

Blaine laughed, tears falling down his cheeks leaving wet paths behind, “He told me, and really what is there not to hate? I am disgraceful little fag who couldn’t even like the right sex.” 

“Wow, wow, wow!” Kurt was shocked with what came out of Blaine’s mouth and he really wondered if things were that bad. Suddenly, the drinking problem sounded kinda reasonable. He couldn’t believe that Blaine would talk about himself like that, or better yet that he had his own father talking about him like that. Suddenly he felt the need to hug the man in front him, or to call his father and tell him how much he loved him and appreciated him. “Never talk about yourself like that ever again, understand?” 

Blaine shrugged, “It’s true, he isn’t wrong you know?” 

“Are you out of your mind? Of course he is wrong Blaine. You are who you are, sure you aren’t always the nicest person but I can assure you that your sexuality has nothing to do with it. It’s not because you are gay that you are a bad person, being gay, loving the same sex, that doesn’t make us bad people. For crying out loud, I can’t believe he said that.” 

The older man nodded, “Yeah, it hurts so much.” He said just above a whisper, heavy tears forming again. 

“Hey, no,” Kurt sat next to him and finally gave him to his supportive and caring instincts and hugged the man next to him, “You are not the reflection of those who can’t love, respect and support as who you are.” 

Blaine listened carefully and let his forehead fall against Kurt’s neck where he wanted to remain for all eternity. “I am just so sad I lost my family for being who I am.” 

Kurt shook his head, hugging Blaine as tight as it was humanly possible, “If I’ve learned anything in my life, it is that the universe is always giving you what you need and taking away what you don’t, even if at times, and specially when it’s family related I guess, it seems like the exact opposite. You may feel alone, and helpless because you have a shitty father, and I am not sorry for saying that,” Blaine nodded in his neck as Kurt went on, “But you’ve got see the things through a different perspective even if at times there seem to be no other side but darkness. That thing that the universe is pulling you towards, that light at the end of the tunnel, that is worth it. It is worth so much more than any useless homophobic word your father might throw at you, you hear me?” 

Blaine slowly nodded, still crying on the younger man’s neck and quietly reflecting that this, this man, he could be this light. Yes, there was a billion problems to be solved, starting with the drinking, ending with his closed heart, but if he wanted to get there, to be in the light, to be with Kurt, and right now it felt as if he needed this more than his next breath, he was going to do whatever it took to get there. 

He took a deep breath, slowly making his way out of the boy’s neck and smiling gently at the way Kurt brushed his tears off and smiled at him, “Thank you for all of this.” 

“No need to thank me for that Blaine,” Kurt said, giving his shoulder a little squeeze and smiling softly at him, “Come on, let’s put you in bed baby boy.” 

“Hey!” Blaine protested at the nickname but couldn’t deny that he could easily get used to this. 

Kurt rolled his eyes as he dragged the older man under the covers and tucked him in. 

“Kurt?” 

He nearly laughed, “Yes Blaine?” 

Blaine sighed, “I know I don’t deserve this, and that you probably won’t want this, specially after what happened this morning but, I usually have nightmares and I mean you already know that, and I kinda, you know if you want to, I was thinking that maybe–“

“Oh my God!” Kurt laughed, “Stop rambling, I will sleep with you.” 

Blaine’s eyes sparkled and Kurt almost snorted at how adorable he looked, “Really?” 

“Really, really.” He said, already entering the covers next to the boy, “But if you kick me out in the morning I am never sleeping here again.” 

Blaine grinned, resting his head on Kurt’s neck again, feeling like a five years old as he did, but smiling at the younger boy non the less. “I promise I won’t.” 

“Good, now let’s go sleep.” 

They were silent for a few minutes, Kurt caressing the man's back and Blaine softly breathing next to him. It felt nice. Beyond nice to be honest.

Blaine sighed, "Kurt?"

Kurt snorted, "Yes Blaine?" 

"I fucked up again, I owe you a new muffin."

The younger man laughed and shook is head, "It's okay, come on now, I had a long day, let's just sleep."

Blaine wanted to ask about college, about how his first day went, if he had made friends, if he was happy there, who the fuck was Adam. But he choose not to, not right now at least. Right now he would get comfy on his roomies embrace and have a great and much needed night of sleep. Maybe tonight it meant that he had relapsed and was back in the start of his long and apparently endless alcohol free path. But maybe everything really happens for a reason, and maybe he needed to go out, get shit faced, make the same mistakes yet again, just so he could know that someone cared, just so he could listen to Kurt’s wise words, just so he could find his light in the end of the tunnel. Just so he had something worth hoping for a better tomorrow. 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I am late and I know it!  
> I came back from New York last week and I didn't realize how tired I was from the trip (mainly emotionally tired because really, no one gets to meet Darren Criss without having at least 19 emotional breakdowns in one week), so I decided to rest and take this week to actually dedicate time for this chapter because really, this one deserved it.  
> I hope you like this as much as I did and feel as excited about the little progress that happened here as I am.  
> Until next week!  
> p.s: I am hella hungover so please don't judge any grammar mistake and please leave me cute comments so I can feel less like dying lol i love you all so much
> 
> tw: mention of suicidal thoughts & alcoholism

Despite the crazy night he had, Kurt was up early that morning, already in the kitchen making his cup of coffee and patiently waiting for Bas to come and pick him up so they could walk together to college. It was only his second day and he needed every kind of emotional support he could get not to worry and spend all day thinking about the previous night and Blaine.

Blaine. 

The previous night had been probably the most intense of his life. Not only he got to see this side of his roommate that he wasn’t sure if he hated or just wanted to take care of forever, but he also got a lot of answers to a lot of question he had floating his mind for a while now. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the answers, the one about Blaine’s father specifically, but he also knew that it didn’t matter what he thought or whatever gap he still had in his mind about this whole situation. What he knew for a fact though, was that Blaine needed help. 

When the doorbell rang, he automatically thought it was Sebastian, smiling and grabbing his college bag so they could leave already. Even if he wanted to make sure Blaine was okay once he woke up, he couldn’t miss class or give the older boy any chance to act like asshole and ruin whatever progress they made on the previous night, so in order not to risk it, he just left a glass of water a few headache killers on the bedside table, along with a little note that pretty much said for him to contact Kurt if he needed anything. 

For his surprised, Nick and Jeff were waiting for him on the other side of the door. Both of them wearing grateful smiles and Jeff carried what seemed to be some sort of pink Milkshake, which only made Kurt smile a bit knowing the friends were there to cheer their crazy friend up after a hell of a night, literally. 

“Hey,” Kurt said calmly. 

Nick walked in first, giving Kurt a big hug and patting his shoulder, “I don’t even know how to thank you.” 

Kurt shook his head, still in the embrace, “No need for that, I did what I felt it was right.”

Jeff stepped in the hug second, actually kissing Kurt’s cheek and smiling at the way the boy blush and thanked him as well.

“Where is our Blainey?” Jeff asked.

Kurt only half shrugged, and he really did look tired, “Still sleeping, I thought about waking him up to make sure he was okay but I guessed he could used the rest.”

“Yeah, we have a gig tonight so the rest is definitely welcome,” Nick pointed out, “Again Kurt, I am very thankful for you helping him yesterday, I know you guys aren’t even friends so it really isn’t your obligation to even do anything for him but–“

“No, hey, it really is okay.” He said genuinely, “I am glad I could help even if I wasn’t sure what to do.” 

Jeff shrugged, “When Blainey gets drunk he usually just needs everything pink and a shoulder to cry.” 

“The pink part was clear, though he probably wasn’t comfortable with my shoulder to cry so I am glad you guys are here. Maybe he will feel better once he sees you guys.” 

Nick nodded, “Probably but if anything, I bet he is thankful for everything you did Kurt.”

Kurt only nodded slowly, this might be true after all. He heard his cellphone vibrating from the kitchen table and quickly went to check on it. He usually would be a lot happier to see a guy texting him, specially if the guys was as cute as Adam was, but all he could think about was Blaine’s reaction to this topic specific. Still, he smiled a bit at the text, after all it was kinda cute that Adam wanted to wish Kurt a good morning and ask if he is okay and just overall a good change compared with how desperate and worried he was in the night before. Having someone being cute with him sounded exactly like what he needed. 

“I see heart eyes,” Jeff says in a teasing tone that makes Nick roll his eyes and go open the door since apparently Sebastian was finally there. 

“Hey,” Sebastian said to Nick at the door, than smiled at Kurt, “Did I hear something about heart eyes?” 

Kurt rolled his eyes, “Good morning to you too, Bas.” 

“He was totally giving heart eyes to his cell phone just now,” Jeff says again, sitting next to Nick in the couch.

Nick puts his arm casually behind Jeff’s head so the blonde man can get comfortable in his embrace, “Stop, leave Kurt alone guys.” 

“Was it Adam?” Sebastian asks and nearly screaming, “Guys he is British and hella cute! And Kurt you’ve got to do something about tapping that ass.”

Kurt covered his face with both hands, desperate to stop this conversation. It was far too early for this and he was far too tired to deal with this, “Sebastian. boundaries.” 

Jeff laughed, “Ask him to come see the show tonight.”

“You must!” Bas screamed again and Kurt was officially this close to leaving without him.

“Guys…” Nick warned again.

Jeff rolled his eyes and stepped out of his boyfriend’s embrace, “For the love of God, he is hot and British what else do you want for a future husband?” 

“I am not British, Jeffrey.” Nick pointed out making Kurt and Sebastian laugh.

Jeff nodded, “And he wonders why we are still not married.” 

“Honestly Kurt, just do it okay, it is going to be fun!” Sebastian said, partially because he didn’t want to Nick and Jeff to start a fight, partially because really his best friend was being so stupid right now, “Think about it, we will get to meet him and you two can dance together, make out or whatever, but come on it is Tuesday night and the semester just started, this my friend is a huge sign for you not to waste a good dick.” 

“God, I didn’t sleep enough to face this.” Kurt sighed, “Fine, fine. I will ask him out.” 

“Yes!” Jeff and Bas said together, “I promise we will be nice Kurt!” Jeff completed. 

Bas snorted, “You promise that, I will see how good he is to my best friend.” 

Kurt only rolled his eyes, “Anyways, why you barely slept?” 

Kurt eyed Nick for a few seconds, it wasn’t like he didn’t want Bas to know about this whole issue going on with Blaine, but it really wasn’t his issue to bluntly discuss with whoever he felt like discussing it. This was Blaine’s private life and probably one of his biggest vulnerabilities, so even if he loved Sebastian he wasn’t going to talk about this with him. 

He just shrugged, “Too excited with college. It’s too good to be true.” 

Sebastian grinned and hugged his shoulders, “If you are already all excited like that, imagine how much more wonderful it will be when you get a cute British to call your boyfriend and walk hand in hand with him on campus.” 

“You went from wanting to interview the candidate, to pretty much giving us your bless so we can date?” Kurt asked confused. 

Bas shrugged, “I can’t help myself, I have a feeling he will be just great!” 

Jeff smiled, “We will see about that tonight I hope.”

Kurt nodded, “Of course, we better get going to class anyways. Good luck.”

Sebastian frowned curiously at the way Kurt wished the couple a good luck but knowing they were there to see Blaine, the man probably was just having a moody day and if that was the case, every luck was indeed welcome. 

Nick and Jeff nodded to Kurt and thanked him one more time before waving goodbye and wishing both him and Bas a good day of college. Once outside, as the best friends waited for the elevator, Sebastian was on and on about how much he was excited to meet a few boys tonight and maybe get extra lucky. He was actually spending a lot of time listening to Wes apparently because he had just a lot of threesome ideas all the sudden that the younger man knew where an influence from their playboy friend. 

He was trying to be a good friend and listen to whatever Sebastian was saying but truth be told, he was everything but listening to what Bas was saying, his mind too busy reliving last night vividly and trying yet again to understand the situation a little bit better. Truth be told, that whole ‘I am not wasting my time caring and worrying about Blaine anymore’ was the biggest lie he ever told himself because all he could do was worry and care for Blaine. There was something about how he was last nigh, not only the fact that he was very much drunk, but the fact that he was desperate and sad and just needing something, anything to make everything go numb. And that itself was the saddest thing Kurt ever heard in his life. Sure, at some point just like many others, he also found himself in some sort of situation or feeling some sort of feeling that he desperately wanted to make everything stop. He wish he didn’t know what was like to wanting everything to end, everything to go numb, but he knew, kinda very well in fact. But this was so long ago and things were so much different now. And seeing Blaine like a broken mess, trying his best to make everything just stop, was terrifying. And Kurt had no clue how to even help him.

“Earth to Kurt?” Bas snapped his fingers in front of his best friend, “Have you been listening to what I’ve been saying? Or you just don’t care about me anymore?” 

Kurt rolled his eyes and gave his friend an apologetic smirk, “Sorry, too much in my mind.”

Bas raised a brow and smirked at his friend, “Stop thinking about your soon to be British boyfriend and start telling me what you are wearing tonight.” 

Kurt smiled and nodded, yes, thinking about fashion was everything he needed to just stop thinking about the night before or the messy haired man he for some reason cared for so much. 

* * *

Blaine felt warm and calm like never before. He couldn’t remember a time in his life that he felt this good sleeping on his apartment’s bed. He wasn’t having any specific dream but he just felt so safe. He didn’t want to wake up, not now, not ever, but as he listened to his room door slowly being opened, his eyes started to blink and suddenly things weren’t that good anymore. 

As soon as Blaine’s eyes were open, not only they were hit by the lighting coming from his window, but he also realized he had a pretty strong headache going on. It was like him to wake up with a headache, unless…And suddenly it hit him. Images from the night before hit him like a truck right through his mind. Images of him reading Adam’s texts on Kurt’s phone, images of him going to the bar and drinking, images of Kurt showing up there looking defeated, a bath, long fingers washing his hair, soft hands soaping his body, someone combing his hair, him crying, and specially, not sleeping alone. Immediately, he tried to reach for the other side of the bed expectantly to find Kurt there, because really there was no other reason why he had such a good sleep that night other than Kurt sleeping there with him, but the bed was empty. He tried to move his neck slowly to see who was coming from the door, hoping it was Kurt coming back to bed to stay with him, but all he found was his two best friends and a strawberry milkshake. 

And suddenly he could barely think of the headache when guilt took over his mind and body. 

Those standing right in his door were the people he promised he would stop drinking. People who loved him and were proud of his progress lately, people who believe in him and wanting the best for him. And he was doing so well, until something as pathetic as a jealous rage pushed him over the cliff and triggered him so bad that he just had the urge to fall back to the alcohol land. Which as much as it was filled with promises of better tomorrows, only brought him headaches and regrets. 

Nick slowly approached the bed and handed him the water and pills that were already waiting for him in the night stand. Something only someone as caring and thoughtful as Kurt would do. Kurt. God, Kurt probably was so disappointed at him right now, or even worse, he probably even hated Blaine since he didn’t know exactly how inappropriate he behaved in the previous night or had a clue about anything he said, but knowing he was in a bath and Kurt was the one giving him the bath, probably weren’t very PG-13 things. 

He sighed loudly and with that, he took the pill from Nick’s hand and swallowed them with a sip of water. If he was going to feel like shit, at least he would do that without a headache.

“How are you?” Jeff questioned quietly as he sat on the bed next to him and handed him the strawberry milkshake, and Blaine almost smiled at the gesture, almost. 

He sighed yet again, “Disappointed. And sorry for doing this again, I just, I don’t know what happened but when I realized I was already doing it and trust me I know how shitty this was and I know I was doing somewhat well but maybe I just have to accept that I am a fucked up and everyone should just stop worrying and let me die in peace.”

Nick shook his head, “Geez, someone woke up a bit of a drama queen this morning.” Jeff smiled at him and wrapped his arms around Blaine who, as the biggest cuddle whore that existed, just gladly got comfy on the blonde man’s embrace, “Sure, it sucks that you got drunk last night, but you are allowed to relapse. Of course your path until you recover 100% is not going to be a straight line, you really thought it would be like that?” 

Blaine shrugged, drinking his milkshake and thinking a little bit, “I don’t know, I just didn’t think this would happen. I feel like shit.” 

“You will get there Blainey, I know you will.” 

At Jeff’s encouraging words Blaine just felt the urge to cry and scream right there. It was just like everyone was trying their hardest to help but at the same time, no one was under his skin, feeling his pain, facing his battle. No one knew what it was like to deal with this…problem, yes this problem that he couldn’t handle himself but that kept consuming him and dragging him into this empty feeling that he just needed to wash off, preferably with vodka. 

“God,” Blaine sighed, “You guys don’t get it okay? I am sorry but you just don’t.” 

Nick and Jeff traded a weird look, and after a very comforting smile from the blonde man, Nick smiled back, he was very in love and whenever Jeff gave him that smile it was like he could do anything, even if this was one of the hard things, he knew he needed to do this. 

“Blaine, I am going to tell you a story right now,” He started slowly, watching as his friend frowned while sucking the straw, “I know you kinda know about this but we never actually talked about this. God this is so hard, but I need to tell you about my father. And before I start I want to make clear that this is not, by any means, me comparing you and him, this is just me showing you why I worry and why I kinda understand,” Jeff’s embrace got tighter even if he was now wrapping just one arm around Blaine, as he used the other to reach for Nick, so his boyfriend could have something to hold on to, “After I was born, I think part of my father got lost in the pressure of having a baby, it truly as a lot of responsibility but it wasn’t just that, it was more like he not feeling deserving of having a family. He had a bad relationship with his parents and then suddenly he had someone amazing like my mother by his side, and a son who would love him more than anything else, and you know those things can be overwhelming when you are not used to good things. And so he started to drink. A lot. I remember being four and just seeing him staring at the TV, a beer in had and that empty, glassy look that he was just not there, you know? I would wake up from naps and my dad was nowhere to be found. I would have a birthday party and he disappeared the whole day. There were dinners that he wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence there. And I know my mom would say that he had no time but he was just avoiding me, and I grew up believing that he hated me. Throughout the years I watched him fall down stairs and stumble around. I was terrified. He would come and leave and I would see my mom cry every time. I watched him and my mom scream at each other while I sat on the porch covering my ears and sobbing. Because I felt like if my dad hated me and couldn’t even look at me, maybe I was the reason why my family was falling apart.” He said calmly, Jeff’s hand holding his tighter as he told the story and Blaine’s heart aching in his chest, “Things luckily got better, he went away for a while and when he came back we started all over again, he started to talk to me and to be a father, and it wasn’t until much later on, when I was already leaving for Dalton that he told me that he was sorry, because the reason why he was like that was simply because he didn’t feel like he should come near close to me, because he was scared of destroying something as pure as a child. And I forgave him because I understand, at least now I do. Even if now we don’t have a perfect relationship, I do have a father, but I really wish I never had to see him facing all of that to finally come in terms with himself. And specially, I don’t want to see you go through all of that so you can find a way to be happy again, B.” 

Blaine wasn’t even caring at this point, tears falling fast and hard through his face and he just needed to hug Nick because he really needed this story. And so he did, wrapped his arms around his best friend and it seemed like forever since the last time he did it, and he was lost in that embrace for a long time, only letting the tears fall and his hug get tighter. 

Suddenly Kurt’s voice echoed in his mind, something about the light in the end of the tunnel and finding people that would make trying something worth it. People that would make the emptiness go away much longer than alcohol ever could. People who made him feel like he deserved to be there, that he was no waste of space. People like Nick, and Jeff, and David, and Wes, and even Quinn and Santana. 

People like Kurt.

Blaine’s air left his lungs as he saw Kurt’s face in his mind, that warm smile, the creamy skin, the hopeful eyes. If the fact that he was jealous last night was not a huge sign that he had feelings for the man, the fact that he smiled and felt once again safe with just the thought of Kurt was enough to give Blaine almost a heart attack. God, he had it bad for him. And it was enough to make him actually want to make things better. 

“Why is your heart beating so fast?” Nick asked laughing when they finally pulled away from the hug.

Blaine shrugged, falling back on Jeff’s chest and smiling at his best friends, “I just, I really needed that and I really want to make things better.” 

“Good,” Jeff said, “Because we love you Blaine and we want you alive to be our kids godfather, do you hear me?” 

Blaine nodded, “Yes, of course! They will be so spoiled, uncle Blaine will be their favorite.” 

Nick rolled his eyes, “God we don’t even have kids yet and I am already jealous they will rather spend time with fun uncle Blaine than with their own father.” 

The three boys laughed and suddenly Blaine didn’t feel as much as a waste of space. Suddenly he felt like he had goals bigger than any need of alcohol he might have every once in a while. Suddenly the idea of staying around long enough to see things like his best friends starting a family, seeing the band grow into something bigger, maybe seeing Wes settling down, sticking around long enough to get to read the book he knows David will write someday, and maybe just maybe, find someone to love him and made a future for him something much more appealing. 

Someone. 

Blaine went back to drink his milkshake as he listened to Nick and Jeff discuss baby names, a dopey smile on his face as he listened quietly but could only focus on that someone’s eyes and smile, blue and hopeful, waiting for him with arms and a heart open. The someone who was the light in the end of his tunnel, the someone he would get to call his home. 

* * *

Every feeling of calm and safeness Blaine had in his chest since the moment he had the conversation with Nick and Jeff and with that was able to realize a bunch of things, were brutally ripped away as soon as he saw his someone walking hand in hand in the bar they were meant to play with another someone. Another someone who was taller, had a freaking British accent and whose name was Adam. 

It was like Blaine was living his worst nightmare in front of his eyes when he saw Kurt, hand in hand with Adam, Sebastian following close behind as the three of them laughed and made their way to meet with the girls and his band mates. He was sitting on the stage, tuning his guitar, not trusting himself anywhere near the bar, just watching carefully as everyone praised the boy Kurt brought. And God, Blaine could feel his heart actually breaking inside of his chest. 

By the way Jeff hugged the British man and said something witty, Blaine knew he probably already knew about the man. Probably because this morning when they arrived Kurt was in a rush to leave Blaine’s pathetic drunk ass alone and as soon as he met with the guys he just had the urge to tell them about his new boyfriend or whatever Adam was his. 

It was the way he was charming himself to Quinn and hell, even Santana, the Latina not caring one bit about attractive men, which Adam unfortunately was. It was the way he said something interested that got David’s eyes all bright and wondering in that curious way that Blaine knew the man was just thinking of something nuts but equally so smart and reflexive. And it was the way Jeff, Nick, Sebastian and Kurt would dreamily sigh whenever that damn accent echoed in the room, and since the bar was technically still closed, waiting for the band to get ready and the bar was filled to actually open, Blaine could hear every single word. And if the way he was grabbing his guitar wasn’t a clue that he was nearly dying with this whole situation, the emptiness in his chest and the way he eyed the booze on the bar was a proof. 

“Blaine?” Wes called from where they were standing. 

Suddenly everyone turned around to look at the curly haired man who was quietly observing the group at a safe, comfortable distance. He took a deep breath when Nick motioned for him to join them and dear God, if there was one thing he wanted to avoid was being this close to Kurt when he was with Adam, half scared of saying something he shouldn’t, half scared of crying his eyes out. But, with everyone staring he couldn’t stay there. Not without looking like a complete asshole and he owed Kurt that much. 

He slowly walked there, his feet dragging himself slowly and the frown on his face almost like a permanent expression. He felt everyone tense as he approached, he mumbled a small, barely there ‘hey’ once he was next to them, a fail attempt to make everything less awkward. 

“See, I knew you wouldn’t waste the opportunity to see a cute British guy up close but keep in mind that he belongs to Kurtie so don’t even Blainers.” Wes joked winking at his friend and that did the singer’s blood literally boil. 

If it wasn’t by the way Kurt winced at the words, it was the smirk Adam gave Wes when he said he belonged with Kurt. And that thought alone was enough to make Blaine want to empty a bottle of vodka in one quick sip. Sensing the tension, Kurt quickly wanted to do something, because even if things regarding Blaine’s feelings towards him were even more confusing after the night before, he couldn’t let Adam wonder about that or that ruin his night and his date. 

“Blaine, this is Adam. Adam, my roommate Blaine.” 

Blaine nearly rolled his eyes. Adam. Kurt said the name with a little smirk playing with the corners of his mouth, almost as if it was the most brilliant word in the English language. He gave the British dude a small smile before turning to Nick and pointing with his head to the stage. 

“I’d love to stay and chat you your highness but we have a show to start.” 

Quinn frowned, “Blaine.” She said in a warning tone. 

Blaine rolled his eyes, “Sorry. Adam, it was an honor to meet you.” 

The man nodded calmly even if he wasn’t very convinced by his date’s roomies words, “Thanks mate, you too.” He smiled at him, interlocking his fingers with Kurt’s and once he felt the boy next to him tense a bit he brought the hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss there. Some of the people in the group smiled, some (Bas) said inappropriate jokes, but he calmly watched as Blaine’s jaw clenched and Kurt’s face became ridiculously red. “Babe you never mentioned having a roommate.” 

Kurt cleared his throat a few times, still kinda unsure if he was able to speak after this extra PDA thing that he wasn’t even sure if he was okay with, but he just nodded slowly, his eyes avoiding Blaine and turned to look at his date, “I am sure I mentioned at some point.”

Adam shrugged, “I don’t quite remember,” He said, than slowly but surely got closer and whispered in Kurt’s ear, “And here I thought we would have a free space to…get to know each other better. Don’t worry I can kick my roommate out anytime for you babe.” It was loud enough for Santana and Sebastian, and oh dear god why they were the ones closer to them, to listen to it. Both of them grinning and Tana even said ‘wanky’, and at that, Blaine’s blood boiled and his face turned red. 

Kurt’s face was also red because he was actually very uncomfortable with this explicit dirty talk specially when it was happening in front of all of his friends. He cleared his throat for what felt like the millionth time in that night and he just smiled. 

“Nick.” Blaine said serious, now avoiding completely the clearly in love couple next to him, “Let’s go backstage and warm up?” 

The whole band nodded at that. They were all pretty excited to play and they still needed to agree with a few last things for the set list. Quinn kissed each of them good lucky, wishing them a good show, and then going right back to her talk with Adam about the tea and the queen or whatever else they wouldn’t shut up about. Santana actually told them that she hoped they sucked so she could take over the stage and pull on a decent show and Sebastian nodded eagerly at that, what he could do, he just loved the Latina already, whenever Sebastian talked to Santana he felt as if he was talking with himself only with boobs. Kurt just smiled at them and wished them a good show, his eyes meeting Blaine for more than necessary but quickly drifting away, back to focus on Adam who just nodded at the boys and placed both hands on Kurt’s waist, loving how close the blue eyed man was to him. 

Kurt took a deep breath and sipped whatever drink Bas had recommended that night. He wasn’t very eager to drink to be honest, hating the effect this had on people – specially on Blaine – but he needed something to made this night feel right. For some reason everything, since the bittersweet taste in his mouth, to the cute boy who had his arms around him, everything felt wrong.

* * *

The great thing about having a band in which they played mainly covers was that every time they played they could have fun playing something different. Wes felt like maybe asking if everything was okay with Blaine, he knew they all have seen the video of Blaine doing a crazy amount of shots and he knew that this was most likely the reason why there was some tension going on with the group. Though he did expect Blaine to be looking a lot worse than he did, well at least before Kurt showed up, Blaine did look pretty good for someone who was probably hungover. 

Now on the stage, Blaine was all but perfect. For everyone seeing him perform and dancing to the songs played, they probably only noticed how intense Blaine was being with the songs he was singing, but everyone who knew Blaine could sense that there was something there. A hint of pain, desperation and just a lot. 

The set list was going pretty well, they had just ended another fabulous cover of one of David’s favorite songs from Likin Park, the energy was insanely good and none of the band members, besides Blaine, could wash the ridiculous happy grins out of their faces, while the curly haired man seemed to have a perpetual frown on his face. 

So Kurt was dancing with Adam, and drinking with Adam, and laughing at something Adam said, and letting Adam’s hand touch every inch of his body. And yes, Blaine already had settled that he was jealous of Adam and whoever else that got to have Kurt like that because he actually liked the man. The realization earlier that he actually had feelings for the boy were slowly killing him because right now, he clearly didn’t have him, or was anywhere close to getting him. Or better yet, felt like he deserved him. 

The lights in the stage are pretty blinding, but he still could see people dancing and smiling, hear them laughing and cheering the band. He could see Quinn and Santana dancing like the world depended on that and he just loved how they never missed a show, or in Santana’s case an opportunity to maybe get on stage, Sebastian was nowhere to be found, and of course he could clearly see Adam and Kurt dancing and touchy the British man was getting. The pang in his chest was becoming unbearable and, although the music was helping and trying to somehow speak for him through the melodies and words, it was just not what he needed. 

He was dealing with his relapse way better than he thought he would be. Of course Nick and Jeff’s support was more essential for this to actually be happening and he was so very thankful for them. And there were Wes and David who would just make him laugh and take his mind off those places. So even if it was hard, and it was very hard, he was finding ways to balance himself the best he could. He just needed to focus on the people that had this positive effect in his life, the people who stayed, the people who were on his side. The people who loved him. 

_“But you’ve got see the things through a different perspective even if at times there seem to be no other side but darkness. That thing that the universe is pulling you towards, that light at the end of the tunnel, that is worth it.”_

The words echoed in his mind like a memory his drunk brain tried to erase. But he could hear the words clearly as his heart literally felt like it stoped and his couldn’t breath. 

Kurt. 

Kurt was that light. 

Next thing he knows he is going to David on stage, whispering exactly what he needed to sing right now for him and as soon as his friend nodded after frowning, he went back to his place on stage. 

It wasn’t like then to go against their original setlist that it was usually made before the shows, specially to perform a song that, though they knew pretty well, they never actually performed. So to say the least, Blaine’s request came as a shock to them all. And maybe it was one of those ‘Blaine is dealing with some personal shit right now let’s all just make whatever he wants happen because he wants okay’ or maybe it was the fact that he actually sounded like he needed to sing that song more than he needed his next breath, but they simply couldn’t say no. 

The energy in the room changed dramatically as the first few notes were played. Some people cheered, immediately recognizing the song, some people just stopped dancing like crazy because this wasn’t quite the song to dance, but one thing everyone did was stop whatever they were doing to stare, and to listen. 

_Give me love like him_

_'Cause lately I've been waking up alone_

_Pain splattered teardrops on my shirt_

_Told you I'd let them go_

 

_And that I'll fight my corner_

_Maybe tonight I'll call ya_

_After my blood turns into alcohol_

_No, I just wanna hold ya_

Every single pair of eyes were staring at Blaine, as he had his eyes tightly closed and his body completely lost in the words he was singing, the words he was carefully and desperately saying. And as many people were listening him sing, he wondered if the one he was saying those words to was actually listening. 

_Give a little time to me_

_We'll burn this out_

_We'll play hide and seek_

_To turn this around_

_All I want is the taste that your lips allow_

_My, my, my, my, oh give me love_

 

_My, my, my, my, oh give me love_

_My, my, my, my, oh give me love_

_My, my, my, my, oh give me love_

_My, my, my, my, give me love_

Blaine couldn’t even listen to the people singing the chorus with him, everything was and felt too loud, he could hear every note as if they were entering his body and nearly drowning him, and he was giving himself completely to this moment that he didn’t even notice that there were tears falling as he blinked them away. 

There he was, crying on the stage in front of a lot of people as he sang probably one of the biggest clichés of this generation and with that tried to beg Kurt to love him. 

And from too loud it just became too much. He doesn’t even know when he just dropped the mic and started to walk away from the stage, eyes blurring from crying and all he could hear was his beating heart as he looked for a place in which he could actually breath. 

* * *

New York looked beautiful from anywhere you stared, but it was true, the highest you got, the best the view would be.

Blaine knew this place existed, David would come up there every once in a while and write beautiful songs and Wes even said he already banged two redheads there, and he was pretty sure Nick and Jeff had used the place for the same activities too. But this was his first time in this rooftop, and after whatever happened in that stage he didn’t even know how to explain what he was feeling right now and how refreshing it was. 

He heard the door opening behind him, even with the noises from the busy streets he still could hear the unsure steps behind him. All he could do was sigh, because really, he just needed this moment alone, and quickly make an apology speech to Nick or whoever else went to take him back to the stage because regardless if he was facing some bullshit, he still had responsibilities and needed to be professional, and not just run away from the stage when everyone was expecting their show and bla bla bla. 

When he turned around though, Kurt was the one standing there. Unsure eyes and a weird body language but Kurt non the less. He gave Blaine a shy smile almost as if he was trying to ask if it was okay for him to be there and Blaine just blinked an answer. 

“How did you find this place?” Blaine asked quietly, “I mean it’s not that easy to get here.”

Kurt just shrugged, getting a little bit closer, “I have my ways. Santana is filling for you by the way.”

Blaine nodded, “Everyone wins then.” 

“Blaine?” Kurt asks, now sounding somewhat sad. And god, Blaine hated how that sounded. 

“Hun?” He answered, looking back to the skyline and avoiding any kind of eye contact. 

“Are you okay?” 

If he was okay? No, he wasn’t. There were a lot of things going on and he didn’t know where to start and actually even how he was feeling. Everything felt like a huge ‘I don’t know’ for Blaine right now. 

And so he honestly answered, “I don’t know.”

“Look, I am clearly not you, I don’t have a clue about what is going on in your head most of the time and I am still have a hard time trying to understand most of your actions” He says softly and Blaine is now actually staring at him and paying attention, “And I am sorry if what I have to say is going to hurt you, but you have to stop running away from things. Either when you drown yourself into alcohol or you just actually run away, I feel like this is how you slowly give up. And you can’t do that Blaine, you have to find the courage in yourself and face those things and you’ve got to know that you are not alone in this journey.” 

Blaine had a small frown on his face as he listened to everything the younger man said, his hands actually itching for him to touch Kurt and beg him to be his for all the eternity because everything he did or said was so important and it meant the world for Blaine and he just wanted to feel as cared for and as safe as he felt right now. 

“It’s just…a lot.” Blaine says above a whisper. 

Kurt reaches for Blaine’s hand and he actually grabs it, any sort of tension that may be going on in the moment is completely dissipated as he felt Blaine finally relax under his touch. Blaine actually sighed relieved because he just needed to be closer to Kurt. 

“I know. And you are not alone in this B.” 

Blaine nodded, his eyes drifting from the skyline to the hopeful blue eyes and he just wanted to get lost in that stare forever. “Thank you, I really do appreciate that and uhn, I didn’t get to thank you earlier for you know, last night, but yeah, thank you for that too.”

Kurt smiled and squeezed his hand, “It was actually pretty funny. I know people who get super upset when drunk, and people who get like super horny and you somehow are all of that plus obsessed with the color pink.”

Blaine actually blushed at that, making Kurt giggle at him, “God I don’t even want to know.” 

“It’s okay, though you were pretty demanding about pink bubbles in your bath.” The mention of the bath pretty much made Blaine’s face turn into a blushing mess, he so wasn’t ready to talk about that. “Hey, no! Don’t be like that it is okay, I didn’t mind.” 

Blaine nodded, “I can’t believe I made you do that.”

Kurt shrugged, “I’ve faced worse things than showering a cute guy.” 

It sounded flirty and Blaine felt not only the skin of his face warm again but everything inside of him seemed to dance and scream and he just wanted to kiss him and tell Kurt that there was no one on planet Earth that was as cute as he was. But what he should actually do was cry because there was a British guy not that far away that was the one who was suppose to do those things to Kurt, to kiss him, and praise him, and love him. 

“Adam wouldn’t be so pleased with that.” He said without even thinking. 

“Blaine,” Kurt said serious now, and though it sounded as if he was about to scream at him or something, he didn’t take his hand from his, “I don’t belong to Adam.” 

Blaine gave him a humorless laugh, “Is he aware of that? I am pretty sure he was trying to tell every living person in that bar that you were his, that he’d won.” 

Kurt frowned, “Won what? I am not a prize and as far as I was concerned there was no competition going on.” _Okay, now he sounded mad._

The curly haired man shurgged, “There isn’t but–“

“Blaine when you were drunk last night, you asked me if I ever felt like kissing you.” 

Blaine’s eyes opened wide and he was about to start to mumble some sort of apology when two firm hands grabbed each of his cheeks carefully and soft pink lips met his. And then he was gone. 

Kurt was kissing him, actually kissing him. At first it was firm yet gentle, but once Blaine’s brain could process what was happening he just grabbed Kurt’s waist with everything he had and kissed him as fiercely as he had ever kissed anyone in his life. It was tongues and breaths and little moans and everything was so perfectly fitting and amazing and just how a kiss was supposed to feel like. Kurt wasn’t his first kiss, far from that, but he was the kiss that mattered. And this was maybe Blaine getting his hopes up and already thinking that he would have the privilege do to this again, but this was the only person he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life. Because this was the realest yet most magic thing he had ever felt. 

When they were both out of breath and everything began to be too much, they eventually had to break it off, only so they could stare at each other as if they were the only people in this big blue Earth, and in this moment, that was how it felt. 

“Now you know my answer, but I can’t do anything about it, not until you stop killing yourself slowly like that.” 

Blaine felt like his eyes were yet again filled with water, and there was something about crying in front of Kurt and how vulnerable he was feeling in that moment, that made him want to just hold on to Kurt forever, because he might have just cried in front of a lot of people not even an hour ago, but now he was crying in front of the one who now seemed to hold everything together. “I was perfectly okay killing myself but than you had to show up out of no where and ask me to try, and it was the first time in my life that I felt like someone actually gave a shit about me and this person was worth trying for.” 

Kurt gave him a tiny smile, “That’s not it Blaine. You have to prove it to yourself, not to me that you are worth it, because I already know that you are but I won’t be able to do this without you knowing it too.” 

Blaine slowly nodded, “Are you going back to him now?” 

“Blaine, don’t.” Kurt said quietly and Blaine felt everything inside him explode because he knew what that meant and just the thought of that was enough to make him want to never let Kurt go anywhere near anyone. 

“Please,” He begged, not even caring how desperate he was sounding, “Please don’t go back to him, it kills me. I just, please Kurt. I won’t be able to stand if you go back to him right now.” 

Kurt’s eyes were also filled with tears, he had never met anyone so broken like that and he had never felt as eager to fix someone as he felt right now. He slowly shook his head and let his hand wonder to the soft curls, “This is exactly what I was telling you before, you let everything affect you so intensely that everything becomes unbearable to you and you just run to whatever easy scape you may find. Yes, I am going back there to Adam because even though I don’t belong to him, I like him and just because we kissed it doesn’t mean I belong to you now.”

“But I really want you to.” 

Kurt smiled, “You have to love yourself so you can love other people, you have to fix and let me and people who care for you help to fix you, and only then, when you are in a much better mindset, you will be able to properly love someone. Regardless if this person is me or someone else–

“It won’t be someone else–“ 

“Regardless,” Kurt said serious, “You have to do that for yourself, not as something you are doing just to get something you want to.” 

“But Kurt,” Blaine said and he was totally aware of how desperate his voice sounded, “That thing you said about the light, the light is _you_.”

Kurt smiled, “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.”

Blaine took a deep breath, "What if I told you that I don't want to be lonely or in the darkness anymore?”

“I’d say I am here.” He said firmly, pressing their foreheads together and the palm of his hand firmly against Blaine’s heart, “And you don’t ever have to be.” 

Blaine let go of a shaky breath and smiled, “Thank you.” 

Kurt nodded, “I will go back there, and so will you because I am sure everyone is worried about you and we will talk about this more at home okay?” 

Blaine was about to nod but he knew what going back there meant for Kurt and he still couldn’t even wrap his mind around that thought, “Will you let him kiss you?” 

Kurt smiled, “Don’t worry about that or anything Adam related okay? Focus about having fun and your own happiness.” 

Blaine wanted to argue, to throw a fit and act like a ten years old who was just told he couldn’t have a second slice of cake. But he just nodded, letting Kurt caress his cheek for one last time, his face leaning against the touch and his eyes drifting close because he just felt so safe. And as they made their way back there, Blaine accepted that maybe tonight he wouldn’t get everything he actually wanted, that the progress he made tonight wasn’t enough for him to have, for him to deserve Kurt – because really, no one gets there that easily. It is not an easy path, but if there was one thing that was as clear as ever after today was that he wasn’t alone at all. And he had love in his life. And he had Kurt on his side. And that he would, slowly but without a shadow of a doubt, get there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used in the chapter (it's obvious but here we go):  
> Give Me Love - Ed Sheeran


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR TAKING FOREVER!!! it is early than I promised at least...and I think after reading this one you will forgive me.  
> Love you!  
> Please leave a comment and love xoxo see you SOON 
> 
> [any mistake is because i suck, also looking for a beta xoxo]

_**Day One** _

Blaine was sitting on the kitchen for what seemed like hours now. 

The night before was by far the most intense night of Blaine’s life. Since singing the song, to crying on the stage, to kissing Kurt and having that talk with Kurt, and later having to go back to the pub and face weird looks and uncomfortable conversations, everything felt too much and not enough at the same time. 

He was sure of one thing though, he was determined to make things right. No, he was determined to fix himself and to actually try his best to get better. He was ready to give himself another chance after what seemed like forever. 

Clearly it was a great decision but to be honest, easily said than done. After a long night without even shutting his eyes for a second, Blaine faced the fact that was, his problems were bigger than alcohol. He hated the idea of seeing a shrink or whatever, but maybe he had more traumas than he was willing to see. 

So now he was sitting in one of the kitchen stools, partially because he was tired of not sleeping, and partially because he wanted to see Kurt more than he wanted his next breath. Sure, it was kinda weird to see him back with Adam after what happened between them in the rooftop, but he knew it was something he would have to deal with before anything else happened between them. He wanted to see him alone though, to see him without the crazy music, the drinks, their friends and the British boy. So he waited for what felt like ages in that damn kitchen stool, knowing that Kurt would have to walk past the kitchen to actually leave for college. 

Blaine seemed to be lost in thoughts when Kurt walked in the kitchen in a rush that Blaine has never seen before. 

“Hey,” the older man say.

Kurt mumbled something under his breath so fast that all Blaine could get from the words were ‘super late, sorry, college’. 

“Fuck,” Kurt said out loud. 

Blaine handed him a cup of coffee and smiled, “Calm down, here I made coffee, sit down and calm yourself.” 

Kurt looked at him for a second, than shook his head, grabbing his bag and making his way to the door, “Thanks really, but I am late for college. Sorry, Blaine.” And he just left. 

Blaine was still sitting there, a pathetic mug in his hand and a confused frown in his forehead. This was definitely not how he expected their first moment alone since the kiss would be. Maybe he was actually late in a rush to get to college, or maybe he was actually pretty awkward about the kiss and in a rush to leave as soon as possible. 

* * *

**_Day Two_ **

They were halfway through The Avengers, well, at least Blaine was. Kurt arrived to the living room when the movie just started and Blaine politely asked him to join. Things were pretty awkward, the last time they spoke was the morning before when Kurt was leaving in a rush and Blaine got home late from practice that day so by the time he made home, Kurt was already locked in his room where he didn’t seem to want to leave like, ever. 

So of course, by the time the younger man actually left the room, Blaine after another night without sleeping and not handling this silence treatment and this awkward aura around them, was determined to do whatever it took to make things better, hence him asking Kurt to join him and watch the damn movie. 

Only Kurt was too busy texting whoever the fuck he was texting and chuckling every single time his damn phone went off. Blaine was pissed because he knew damn well who it was, he knew and he would be the biggest liar ever if he said he didn’t care, because really every time Kurt would laugh at something he read on his phone, a part of Blaine slowly died. And he just wanted this – the awkwardness, the silence between them, _the texts_ – to end. 

“I think I will make some popcorn,” He said slowly, eyeing the younger men who didn’t even bother looking at him, “Kurt? Would you like some popcorn?” 

Kurt just shook his head and kept texting, making Blaine almost curl on his feet while begging for a second of his attention. God knew, he wanted to see those bright blue, hopeful eyes more than he wanted to live. But he had to respect whatever was going on in Kurt’s head. If he was acting like this, it probably had a very good reason, and Blaine had to respect that. 

* * *

**_Day Three_ **

Kurt was ignoring him. 

It was official and Blaine didn’t even know why. He wasn’t leaving his room or talking to Blaine when they were together or anything like that. He would just be on his phone or in his room and pretty much pretending Blaine was nothing, that the kiss they shared was nothing. And Blaine was this close to losing his damn mind. 

He considered buying Kurt an apologetic muffin, knowing that at least the boy would talk to him if he gave him a damn muffin, and also because he probably fucked up big time without even knowing really what he did. 

He was currently standing outside Kurt’s room, slowly pacing as he, for over an hour now, considered opening the door and asking him what was going on, why he was ignoring him, what was so tragic that he couldn’t even bring his eyes to meet Blaine’s. Or really just open the damn door and watch Kurt forever, he needed to see him, to be closer to him, to somewhat feel him. He was there almost as an anchor to Blaine, those eyes always reassuring him and giving him hope, and every second they were away, every day without speaking, every night without sleeping, made Blaine’s courage to do better, to fix himself, almost inexistent. 

* * *

**_Day Four_ **

“Did I do something to you?” He asked Kurt before he even made his way properly in the house after college.

The taller boy frowns at him, “No, not that I am aware.” Kurt can clearly see that Blaine looks nothing but exhausted. Huge, dark bags under his eyes, and even his voice sounded broken. 

Blaine nodded slowly, “Oh, it’s just…” He tried to make himself say something but failed miserably, “You were ignoring me.”

“I was giving you space Blaine, to figure stuff out.” Kurt said simply, closing the door behind him and making his way to the kitchen were Blaine follows him close behind. 

“I don’t remember asking for space.” 

Kurt, still not looking at him, only opened the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water, “You didn’t. But I remember telling you that you shouldn’t put so much hope on me when you have to get better for yourself and by yourself.” 

Blaine shook his head, “But Kurt, that doesn’t mean that you have to cut me off and make me feel like I did something wrong.”

Kurt finally looked up, it seemed like ages since he last saw those gorgeous eyes and Blaine thought he might lose himself in them, “I am sorry for making you feel this way I just figured that after what happened it would be a good idea to give you a little space to…you know let stuff sink in and whatever.” 

“I can’t sleep,” Blaine said above a whisper, “I know what you are saying and all but I really can’t do this by myself, at least not sleep by myself. I promise I am trying my best and I understand what you meant by all of that is just, I can’t make my mind shut the fuck up and I just…I need you Kurt.” 

Kurt looked at him and did his best to quit the petty look he knew he was giving Blaine. God this was just so sad and he couldn’t bring himself to deny Blaine anything, let alone something like that, he clearly was exhausted and he needed a good sleep before anything else. 

Kurt nodded slowly, “Come on, let’s grab dinner somewhere, my treat, than while I study you can watch something and later on I promise I will make you company okay?” 

Blaine’s eyes lit at this sentence and he did everything not to jump in the younger man’s arms and cry, he was so thankful for him and he couldn’t believe he was lucky enough to have Kurt. 

“I know a great Japanese down the block,” He decided to say instead. 

Kurt smiled at him, “Come on, we have catching up to do.” 

Blaine couldn’t help but smile and finally, after days, feel safe again. 

* * *

 

Kurt was not sure what time it was when he woke up, but when he opened his eyes finding everything still very dark, the man next to him a sweaty mess, mumbling things under his breath and pretty much shaking for dear life, he knew something is up. 

The fact that Blaine projected all this hope on Kurt to make everything feel better when even with Kurt by his side he still had those nightmares only confirmed what Kurt said a few days ago, there’s nothing he could do to fix things that he didn't understand, not because he didn't want but because the fact that Blaine seemed to be convinced that Kurt is his cure, when really the only thing Kurt could do was give him moral support, makes this whole situation a hell of a responsibility that he was just not sure if he should or would, be able to take it. 

He gently tried to hold Blaine closer, petting his curls, trying to wake him up as gently as possible. If he wasn’t sure how to take care of this ticking bomb that Blaine seemed to be, he would at least try and make him as calm as possible. Because he truly wasn’t there to cure him, Kurt’s only purpose was to show Blaine that there was so much more than black and white, there was this whole grey area and he have, he must learn how to live with it. 

“Hey, hey,” He whispered against Blaine’s skin, he was currently holding him so tight because the older man was shaking violently in his sleep, causing Kurt to nearly lose it with him. There was something about seeing someone you care about all shattered like that that made you feel like losing it when all you could show to them is this endless strength you have, even if it is all a big pretense. 

Blaine’s eyes slowly opened, and there he was again feeling safe. Pale arms around him as he stared the dark ceiling above his head, his mind a blur and his heart racing as fast as ever. There were hot tears wanting to fall but he had to remind himself that it was only a dream, he didn't have to cry because it wasn’t real. Except it was real, almost like a flashback. Dark disappointing eyes staring at him, strong powerful voice owning him, sharp words that landed like slaps across his face. He had to take a huge breath and focus on the way Kurt was holding him and whispering against his hair “It’s okay, I am here, you are not alone, it was just a bad dream” over and over again.

Blaine suddenly felt desperate, he needed to feel something as intense as the moment his dream made him relieve was. He needed something to wrap his mind around so he could just not remember the dark eyes and the way they destroyed him. He needed the blue hopeful eyes and that promising kiss again so he could not only forget but be finally in peace again. 

“B, it’s okay,” Kurt said one more time against his hair and Blaine felt like he was melting, because maybe he really was, and all he could think about was that he wanted Kurt closer. 

Instantly, he wasn't sure how, but he found himself in between Kurt’s legs, now resting all the weight of his body on Kurt’s. A little sob leaves his mouth as Kurt’s hands clench around his upper arms and he just has a questioning look at Blaine, as if he wasn't sure about what Blaine was doing but the gentle strokes on the back of his arms told him that whatever he wanted, Kurt is more than willing to give to him. 

Blaine took a deep breath, “Please.” He said just above a whisper.

The questioning look still painted on Kurt’s face. Eyes full of doubts and he seemed to open his mouth a few times but couldn't bring himself to actually say anything. A part of him wondered what the hell Blaine was asking, begging from him, and part of him was sure that it didn't matter because anything Blaine asked him right now, with those hazel bright eyes, he would give to him without even thinking twice. 

So Kurt decided to do what he knew Blaine was asking, because right now, Blaine seemed like he needed to be kissed more than he needed to actually kiss Kurt. He needed this reassurance that he was wanted, that Kurt actually meant what he said and he needed it as intensely as ever. 

And as much as Blaine would have appreciated any kind of kiss from Kurt, this intense and raw and just passionate and hard kiss was everything he didn’t even know he needed until that moment. Kurt’s tongue was inside his mouth and he was groaning against him, small whimpers leaving his soft lips as Blaine pressed against him as hard as it was humanly possible, almost as if he needed for them to become one. 

Kurt was pretty much painting. Kissing Blaine was something he only was doing for the second time but he already knew it was something beyond his comprehension to describe how perfect it felt. There was something about how in sink they were, how needy they felt and how they never wanted this to end. They were running out of air in their lungs but the need to breath was nothing compared to the need to feel each other.

“Fuck,” Blaine moaned, his lips trailing messy kisses all around Kurt’s mouth down his neck, his fingers desperate clinging on Kurt’s shirt hard as his lips tried to practically devour him. Frenetic, insistent kisses were placed everywhere and anywhere Blaine’s lips could reach and he just needed more, anything else Kurt was willing to give him he would gladly take. “Kurt, please,” He said against his ear. 

Kurt’s whole body shivered at how desperate Blaine was. Not that he wasn’t totally affected by any of that, because hell if he was. The way Blaine seemed to need him like a drug made him somewhat feeling vulnerable, like he was actually just on Blaine’s display to use and abuse and to do whatever he wanted to do with him. Because Kurt would be dead before he was able to deny Blaine anything, specially when those kisses were placed all over his skin and all his brain could do was plead for more, more and more. 

“Blaine.” He moaned when Blaine started to suck the skin bellow his ear, and if the thought of being marked by anyone was one that Kurt once hated, now he couldn’t remember why. 

Blaine was breathing heavily on top of him, literally a sweaty mess, and again, this somehow wasn’t bothering at all. He was just there, doing his best not to thrust up and maki this something bigger than both of them were willing to make. 

“Kurt I– Please, I– Can I touch you?” 

Kurt almost laughed, so much for self control. He finally thrusted up, and that was all Blaine needed as his approval. This was not Kurt giving himself to him, this was Kurt actually trusting him enough for this and Blaine was not about to show him anything other than how much he adored the man under him. 

Slowly he allowed his hand to go up Kurt’s abdomen, the man shivering under his touch and this only making Blaine even more tempted to get to know every nuance of skin he will soon be able to touch and reach, even if only for this one time. 

His hands went up through his abdomen, almost mesmerized with the softness of the skin, and how with every touch of his fingers, Kurt seems to lean more and more to the touch. And when he think the man under him can’t get any more sexy, Blaine’s finger tips reach the small nipples and he can’t believe how sensitive the younger man is there, how responsive he is, how he practically cries under his touch. Blaine has to blink a few times to make sure it is real, that he is actually touching Kurt, he is actually giving pleasure to this man who deserves nothing less than to be worshipped everyday. 

Blaine pinched the small nub of his nipple delicately but intensely causing the man under him to moan loudly and thrust up once again, Kurt this time actually crying, needing any sort of friction he could possibly get. And now, looking down at the man like this, a pleading mess, Blaine could swear he had never been this painfully hard before, and all he could think about is how he deserved any of that.

“Fuck Kurt, you are so beautiful.” He said only above a whisper, watching the man falling apart beneath his touch.

Kurt could only take deep breaths and once the pinch in his nipple got even tighter he indeed screamed, “Blaine!” 

Blaine almost smiled, but he was too focused in memorizing every single effect his touch had on Kurt, “Let me– Can I kiss you?” 

Kurt did all but beg, nodding firmly and moaning the older man’s name one more time, this time not even ashamed of how desperate he was. He wanted, no, needed Blaine closer and more and harder and urgent. Anyway he could get him. 

The curly haired man only blinks before understanding that he has permission to actually kiss Kurt, before understanding that Kurt is actually going to allow him to do whatever he wants to do with his body, he is trusting him with everything he’s got, and Blaine can only wait a few seconds before he gets rid of the man’s shirt, and lowering his head so he is eye level with the pale skin of his chest, slowly dragging his tongue around one of the small nipples and wasting no time before sucking one in his mouth, causing the boy under him to practically melt with his action. 

Kurt could hold himself from moaning and acting like something straight of a porn movie because he couldn’t believe how talented Blaine was with his mouth. He was not even ashamed of how pathetic he probably was sounding because he couldn’t handle himself when all he could see was a head full of curly dark hair and those hazel eyes tightly closed and the small frown in between his brows showing how concentrated he was, he was kissing every inch of Kurt’s skin as if life depending on this, as if Blaine’s only life goal was to give Kurt pleasure and boy was he succeeding… 

Kurt couldn’t stop thrusting up not even if he tried really hard, he wanted more but at the same time, despise his pleas for Blaine’s name he couldn’t get himself to actually ask the man above him, kissing everywhere his lips could reach, what he really wanted. 

“Shh, I am going to kiss you everywhere, be patient. Let me enjoy this.” 

And with that, the man under him relaxed a bit. Kurt was desperate, and even if that was extremely, beyond words, hot as fuck, he couldn’t bring himself to do nothing but slowly tease him, not that he actually wanted to tease the man, no, he just really wanted this to last as much as he possibly could, because really, he wasn’t getting this chance twice in a lifetime.

Blaine’s breath ghosted all over Kurt’s torso, he placed a soft yet wet kiss on the man’s navel just above the pajama pants, and tugged his fingers on the waistband, slowly dragging the pants along with the boxers down Kurt’s legs. And there was simply nothing more beautiful than this, long pale legs, a slim yet toned figure, a long and _oh_ , so hard gorgeous erection begging for Blaine’s touch. Kurt looked so beautiful like this, completely at his display to do whatever he wanted to do with him, and all Blaine wanted to do was savor every inch of skin he could reach. He needs so much to please the man under him, whose deep blue eyes are darker and staring at him between hard desperate breaths, that he can’t even care about the painful erection in his own boxers.

Kurt was shaking by the way Blaine was staring at him, he was awfully aware of the precum leaking from the tip of his cock, and if Blaine wasn’t sure he was a virgin before – even if in fact he was _no_ virgin –, now he would be sure since the man did nothing but kiss his torso and Kurt was already moments away from coming hard. 

By the time Blaine’s hand wrap around the base of Kurt’s cock and his mouth wasted no time before practically swallowing every inch left of the erection, Kurt was already a shivering mess. Blaine moaned as soon as he tasted the salty precum that was already leaking and the feeling of having Kurt shaking under him, basically coming undone was the most satisfying feeling he has ever felt. Better than any orgasm, better than any sip of alcohol. This was pure perfection, the way Kurt was fighting himself not to hold on Blaine’s head, leaving him in full control of the situation, how he was rambling unknown words that sounded awfully like a mix of Blaine’s name and _please, please, please_ and he didn’t need to beg for another second, because all Blaine could do was bob his head desperately up and down, trying to keep his eyes open to absorb the noises and faces and the way Kurt’s body moved in pure bliss while trying to fuck deeper and faster in his mouth. All he could think of was how he was clearly born to give pleasure to this man and how he wouldn’t mind doing this for the rest of eternity. 

And it wasn’t until Blaine’s mouth started to move faster and his movements more sure, and Kurt’s moans louder that the older man dared to drag a single finger down on the younger’s perineum, ending with Kurt’s hands on his head as he came hard down the man’s throat, practically purring in satisfaction and happiness. 

Blaine swallowed like never before, tasting and savoring until the very last drop. And god, he did taste phenomenal, he was simply the most delicious thing ever and Blaine wanted to have him for the rest of his life. 

When Kurt’s legs started to shiver with sensibility, Blaine had to go against his will and let go of the man’s cock, taking a deep breath and using the back of his hand to wipe off his mouth. He dragged his body up, resting his head against Kurt’s collarbone and if he wasn’t painfully hard, he would just sleep for as long as he possibly could. 

Shaky, unsure hands made their way to the boxers Blaine was wearing, one resting over one of his ass cheek, the other quickly finding his erection, and even if the touch made Blaine pretty much cum and cry at the same time, he knew this wasn’t what he meant with all of this. Quickly, he tightly held Kurt’s wrist, raising his head enough to make eye contact with the man under him.

“You don’t have to do this.” He said quietly, trying to sound as sure as he possibly could.” 

Kurt gave him a small eye roll and a smirk and only wrapped his hand even tighter around the erection, wasting no time moving it up and down, using the precum already there as lube. Blaine was thicker and heavier and if the man didn’t seem so comfortable on top of him Kurt would probably drag on his knees and swallow him whole. But there was something about the way their bodies was so close, about how Blaine was holding his head up so he could keep the eye contact as his parted lips groaned Kurt’s names and the way he pretty much grabbed a handful of Kurt’s hair when he shoot in his fist, eyes closing tightly and cock throbbing like never before, that made this experience simply unlike anything either of them had ever tried. 

They lay like that for what seems like hours, and if it isn’t by the way Blaine’s heart is racing with every breath Kurt would’ve swore he was fast asleep. There was clearly something bothering him since he was exhaling anxiety with every heartbeat and Kurt just needed to make him talk. 

“That was…” He started, his hand still caressing the man’s back slowly, trying to calm him down, “Wow.” 

Blaine raised his head once again, eyes needing to see Kurt’s face as soon as possible, “Was it…okay? I know it just happened and I am sorry I just couldn’t stop and you were there and it just felt so right and–“ 

“Shh,” Kurt said placing a small kiss on Blaine’s lips, “It’s fine, I was okay with everything we were doing, I loved it.” 

Blaine’s eyes couldn’t leave his even if he tried and he couldn’t stop his heart from racing yet again, he wanted to ask Kurt if he was okay and if he felt everything he did. 

“I only had sex with like one other guy besides this and I can easily say this was beyond everything we ever did,” And with those words, Blaine frowned staring at the boy under him, “Well, don’t get me wrong, he was great in bed, but this was so much more intense, and just wow.” 

Blaine opened his mouth trying to say something clever but all he could say was, “So you really aren’t a virgin?” 

Kurt snorted, actually snorted, “I told you ages ago I wasn’t. I can’t say I dated the guy but we certainly did enough stuff for me to no longer be considered a virgin.” 

“I see,” It was all Blaine could say, part of him was disappointed because he was never wrong when the subject was well, that. But part of him was just pissed that another human being had the opportunity to see Kurt like he just saw him. Desperate and beautiful. 

“He was a jock back in high school and I, oh dear let’s face it I was no one.” Kurt gave him a little humorless laugh, hand still trying caressing Blaine’s back and he probably was only telling this story to make the situation less awkward, so with that Blaine made himself listen to every single word Kurt had to say even if the thought of another human being touching him like that killed him, “They used to bully me pretty hard, it was full on physical abuse and the names they would call me, everything was awful and just so traumatic that I still can’t believe I turned out to be someone this positive. Anyways, his name was Pete, he was, he was different. He would never push me as hard or call me disgusting names, he was just sort of there, he would help me out of the dumpster after everyone who threw me in there was gone and sometimes even leave me warners in my locker, so I could avoid slushies and being beat up. The first time he kissed me was after a game they won, he just saw me in the empty hallways and he kissed me.” Kurt sighed and Blaine could tell he was having a hard time telling this story, “I felt like I wasn’t alone for the first time, that he was worth going through that living hell because at least he understood me. The only difference was that I was out and proud and he was just sneaking in my room every possible night and having sex and messing around and promising things that he was not even close to make come true.” 

“Motherfucker.” Blaine whispered and the hand against his back stopped moving completely.

The younger man sighed again, “We were a month from graduation when I was crowned prom Queen, Pete announced it on the mic in front of the whole school, calling me a stupid little bitch and a faggy and whatever else. He was standing there, looking me deep in the eyes and I couldn’t see a hint of remorse in them. And there I realized that regardless whatever we lived, it didn’t matter for him at all, not what we lived, to me. And honestly, he was not worth it, and he certainly wasn’t going to come out any time soon. And even if I had enough of evidence to out him and make him pay, it wasn’t worth my time. So I just accepted my crown and moved on with my life. And now I am here.” 

Blaine’s frown was adorable but what was going on in his mind was everything but adorable. He wanted to murder this Pete guy even more than he wanted to murder Adam. God, what is it with good people that bad things tend to happen awfully often with them? He wasn’t sure if Kurt telling him all those things meant for him just to shut about this whole virgin crap, if he was doing this for the sake of being nice and proving to Blaine that he was not the worst thing in the world or if he just did that to end any weird silence after sex that might be going on afterwords. And he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to tell his own shitty first time experience.

“Uhn my first time wasn’t great either. I mean Pete was a fucking asshole and I swear to God if I ever go to Lime I will personally end the dude.” 

Kurt rolled his eyes and moved his hand to caress the messy curls that looked even more beautiful after sex, “Water under the bridge, B. You can talk about your first time if you want to.” 

Blaine nodded and took a deep breath, “Okay. I was 15 and I had just came out to my parents, my dad was…he was mad. Mad like I’ve never seen him before. I remember coming home for a long weekend or something and he just said he was going to fix the ‘gay bullshit’, that is how he calls my sexuality. Long story short, he paid a girl do have sex with me so he would just fix this. It took a while for you know, things to happen but I knew he wouldn’t stop unless I did it and so I felt like I had to.”

Kurt shifted uncomfortably beneath him and his grip got even tighter, “He payed a prostitute to have sex with his underage son so he would make you stop being gay?” 

Blaine nodded.

“That is fucked up Blaine. Like so fucked up.” 

“I know,” The older man sighed, “Didn’t work though, as I just proved I am indeed very attracted to men and I will always be.” 

Kurt gave him a weak smile, “I just don’t understand why you would still want someone like him to accept you or to even want someone like him in your life after everything.” 

Blaine shrugged, “He kinda is my father.” 

“That doesn’t mean anything,” he said, making sure his tone sounded strong so Blaine knew he was being serious, “The fact that he is your family does not by any means excludes the fact that he is an asshole and does not deserve to be in your life. You are amazing Blaine, and you deserve so much better.” 

He sighed, “I mean imagine if it was your father. Even if the guy was a douche you would still be somehow attached to him.” Blaine shrugged, “I’ve tried I just, I don’t know how to hate him. I know I am doing nothing wrong, trust me, but I can’t help but keep hoping that someday he will come around and accept me for me.” 

“Are you telling me that you have faith in a person like him but literally zero faith in yourself.” 

When Kurt felt the boy grow tense under him he knew it was time to cut him some slack and give him a break. Sure, Blaine still had a long way to go, and regarding the circumstances this night was already pretty intense and he didn’t have to just face all of his issues in one night. It was just that after everything that happened, Kurt wanted to make everything right so they could somewhat be together. Call him stupid but he really meant what he said in the rooftop the night they first shared a kiss, and he needed Blaine to be okay before they could even consider being anything else. 

“Kurt?” 

“Yes?” 

Blaine sighed, “You say I am amazing but you ignored me for days now and I know you are still with that British asshole.” Even if he tried he would not be able not to sound like a spoiled 5 years old. 

“I wasn’t ignoring you, just giving you some space Blaine. You seemed like you could use some.” 

Blaine shook his head. “Clearly you weren’t paying enough attention, not that night, not tonight. What I need is you. Nothing else.”

Kurt sighed deeply, “I already said what I had to say about this.” 

“I don’t get it.” The older man said now sounding frustrated, “I clearly like you and by the way I made you cum I can tell that you gotta have some feelings about me.” 

Kurt smiled, “Of course I do, what is there not to like Blaine?” 

Blaine gave him a humorless laugh, “Do you want me to make a list?” 

“See! That is the problem, you are making no progress with yourself, you are pretty much still hopeless and negative and for example, I know you weren’t sleeping properly this week and even tonight you had issues with your dreams. You waited four days to ask for help when you know you could’ve just asked me. All those little things they make me resent that you are even trying and I want you to do better but I can’t jump in a relationship with you if you just gave up already on yourself.” 

“God, can you, can you stop? Please stop telling me I can’t love someone till I love myself. People who don’t love themselves love others the way they want to be loved. And that makes their love just as true and valid as the most self confident person in the world.” 

Kurt frowned, “Are we actually discussing _love_ right now?”

“Yes!” 

“Blaine…” 

Blaine sighed, “Listen, I know it sounds like bullshit but I feel like we are something, something that could be something great, something that is meant to be. And I want you, God I want you. I want what we just did tonight everyday and I’ve never felt this way before.” 

Kurt gave a little chuckle, “Well, Bas did have a lot of stories about you and other men that make me pretty much question all you just said.” 

“Fuck that, you listen to me.” He said now serious and using the strength of his arm to make himself look in Kurt’s eyes, “I have a past and my past includes much more than guys I had sex, it includes guys I don’t even remember having sex with because I was so fucking drunk that I can’t even remember their faces. My past includes an alcoholic man who was lost and didn’t want to be found until he met you Kurt. And I don’t care about any of that, all I care about now is to get better and to make it right with you. And I still don’t know how but I will prove it to you. Until then you can waste your time with any Adam or whoever else you want, I know that we are meant to be and if not, I know we are at least worth a shot, and I promise to prove you that.” 

Kurt took a deep breath, “It’s just scary, you know?“ he mumbled in a trembling voice as he looked down at his fidgeting hands. 

"That’s okay,” Blaine said with a reassuring smile, taking Kurt’s shaky hands into his. “Everything that’s good is pretty terrifying at first. I have been sober for a while now and that is ridiculously terrifying because despise what I thought I would be am not bad at all, in fact I haven’t felt this good in ages and I am not talking about this hell of an orgasm by the way,” And with that the younger man rolled his eyes smirking, “Yes I do have a few sleeping problems but I am glad I am sober, I am glad I am trying. It is scary and an unsure path, but I am doing this for my happiness. And everything that will make me one step closer to that, to you, is worth it.” 

Kurt didn’t say anything, he didn’t need to. And whatever else Blaine had to say was not necessary. Because regardless of how much longer the path to Blaine’s recovery was, what he said this night proved Kurt just enough. 


End file.
